Anti-social or content with being alone?

Im not really sure what the answer is to that. It’s a weekend night, (fri.night equivalent) and Im comfortable not going out. I do have a lot of friends on the island, but I don’t think I would want to hang with them. This is such a contrast to how I was even a year ago. If I were to be home, I would consider myself a failure, because I would be reminded I was alone. Now, I might be alone, but Im not lonely. I think this is a season in my life where Im acclimating to being alone and having that intimacy with God. I went to Fuddrucker’s again, I probably go there 3 times a week. I bring my laptop and watch an episode of Heroes, or Lost with my headphones. Im perfectly content with that. On the outside, it seems a little sad and weird. But it feels normal to me. I have plenty of interaction with my staff during the week, meetings with people and the acting teaching, or Comedy shows. I get out socially quite a bit because of that. But I guess I don’t have that special friend just to hang with…and Im not sure I really need that friend at this point. I do have several online friends I look forward to connecting with, either on facebook or other social networking sites. So I’d rather chat online than go to a club. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Im just lucky I guess that Im comfortable in my own skin for once. I know I’ll have a spouse and a new family soon. Then this period of being alone will be relegated to being a chapter in my life. When I was married I remember not having that special “best” friend, because I just as soon would have rather hung out with my family. My kids were amazingly fun. So I never really had that special need for a “Best Friend.” Maybe that is why Im ok with being alone right now. God is using this alone time for me to create intimacy with Him. I always tell people, that you can’t truly love another person, unless you love yourself first. Otherwise that loves becomes unhealthy or co-dependent in time. In my marriage, I didn’t really love myself and I became increasingly needy for affirmation from my former spouse…which just drove her further and faster away. What I should have done, and what I will do in my next relationship is to just get my esteem from the creator and have my spouse merely be an extension of my esteem not the defining aspect of it. Why couldn’t I have figured all this out earlier? But at least I know it now. Perhaps by me writing this in this blog someone might learn something to hopefully avoid the pain and mistakes that I have made in my life.

Im really feeling the effects of the flu and its affecting me temperament wise and energy level wise. I don’t like the fact that I can’t go kayak. So actually that’s one of the things Im telling myself this weekend, that I should just stay home and take it easy all weekend. Rest…rest…rest..

So Im going to cut this short. More tomorrow…of course.