2025 sucked but still I'm filled with Hope

 It’s been awhile since I blogged. I honestly missed sharing but I wanted to make sure I kept my priorities in the right place, thus the absence.  I had the kids a good chunk of the winter break from school and it was fabulous.  My focus was entirely on them.  There was just a lot of giggling and joy spread around.  From the despair of this past year for me it was such a welcome change.  I was anticipating a huge drop off in despair/grieving once I dropped the kids off.  You see, I loved being married, I loved being a great dad, I loved being a family.  To have that ripped away has been very painful.  I’m doing the only thing I know to do and that is to lean into my faith.  I don’t have any answers right now and I don’t know what the future holds.  I only know the promise that “Seek First the Kingdom and His Righteousness and ALL these things will be added unto you.”  I’m seeing that play out in real time.  God is faithful.  My dark days don’t seem to be as dark this go around.  There is a lot of hope in a future that can go either way.  I had a really challenging day today, yet I’m still filled with Hope.  It’s the peace that passes all understanding because it doesn’t make sense in the natural.  

The waves of grief have certainly come at me but I’m handling them a bit differently now.  Instead of being toppled over by the wave, I’m leaning into it.  I’m anticipating it so it won’t knock me over.  I know I can also duck under the wave of grief if I anticipate it.  It seems to be working.  I don’t react and I wait for the negative feelings to subside just like the tide rolling back to the sea. .  They waves always do subside eventually.  Now that period of time of waiting seems to be getting shorter.  I’m learning to continue to Praise and Worship a lot especially when the grief is at its most intense.  I can honestly say, I’m excited about the future.  After the day I had for me to be saying that is truly a work of God.  I’m leaning into the positives while minimizing the negatives.  I have a very good foundation.  

One of the things that I’ve learned about myself is avoiding self-medication when things get dire.  It’s that dopamine hit that helps us escape from reality momentarily.  But the means of self-medication can trap us in a negative incredibly destructive cycle.  So I’m going to come up with a metaphor which might not be scientifically accurate but bear with me.  Methadone is a synthetic drug addicts can use to treat hardcore addictions to cocaine, morphine or a host of other drugs.  Here’s the defintion Methadone: a synthetic analgesic drug that is similar to morphine in its effects but longer acting, used as a substitute drug in the treatment of morphine and heroin addiction.

  Let me be clear, I do NOT have a substance abuse addiction. I’ve never done drugs and I’m not a drinker.  So for my dopamine hit, I’m turning to a type of psychological methadone in binge watching TV shows.  I think this is healthy.  I love watching movies and TV shows so to cope with my loneliness and grief, so I’m watching a lot of shows.  I think that is OK for this season in my life.  My go to fix for this psychological methadone is Apple TV.  They don’t have a huge library but it seems every show they produce is fantastic and well written.  It should be noted, I’m very difficult critic.  Right now I’m watching Down Cemetery Road by the producers of Slow Horses.  Those are two of my favorite shows of the past five years.  So I’m getting a small dopamine hit from those shows and it seems to suffice.  Keep in mind i’m still going hard after my Faith and that is where the ultimate contentment for me can be found.  The other is merely entertainment.  Now I have to be careful to treat everything in moderation.  I don’t want to become too hooked on entertainment as ultimately it’s not very productive.  I still have several major goals I need to accomplish and need balance and routine in my life.  

The overall point is that I’m not dreading my life anymore like I was in 2025.  In fact I wake up each day proclaiming out loud, “This is the day the Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.”  It’s usually the first thing that comes out of my mouth in the morning.  I believe those words now, whereas a few months ago I was speaking them out by faith.  

As far as 2025 goes, I’m so glad it’s over.  It’s easily the worst year of my life.  Only 2005 with my first divorce even comes close.  The year sucked plain and simple.  But God was with me even in all of the year’s suckitude.  Ha…that’s actually a word…kind of.  Here’s how Chat GPT defines it: Suckitude (colloquial/slang) refers to the degree or quality of being extremely bad, unpleasant, or terrible, essentially measuring how much something "sucks". It's the condition or extent of being inferior, objectionable, or disappointing, with synonyms like suckiness or suckage, and antonyms like awesomeness or excellence. 

So I know 2026 will be better because it can’t get much worse (Thanks John and Paul), I lost my family, my father and so much more.  There is an adage that it is darkest before the dawn.  I’m fortunate that I’ve made it through the darkest part of the night and I can see the hints of the sunrise upon the horizon.  I’m so grateful for Hope even if it’s seeming unfounded Hope.  I’m declaring by faith that I’m hopeful.