Rick Beeman

  It’s confounding.  I am so filled with hope right now.  Yet nothing really out of the ordinary happened in the physical realm to warrant that hope.  In fact, I’m in the same situation as I was in May when I was at the very bottom filled with despair.  The only thing I can really attribute it to is my faith.  I’ve mentioned before that there is nothing really I can do to fix my situation.  The only thing I know to do is to “Seek God first and All these things will be added unto you.” So that’s what I’ve been doing, Seeking God at every opportunity.  While my situation on the outside doesn’t seem to have changed,  the internal side of has changed.  I really can’t explain it.  Maybe that’s why they say it’s the Peace that passes all understanding because it makes no sense.   I should be just as miserable as I was before but for some reason I’m not.  The only thing that I can reason is that God is faithful.  The cr...

It is so strange, bizarre and exhilarating what is happening to me. I am actually noticing it in real time.  I’m being transformed.  Now I’ve prayed, prayed and prayed to God to do certain things.  I was quite specific and insistent on the exact details of my prayers.  I told God exactly what I wanted Him to do and when.  And I kept praying and praying and praying.  There are always three ways that God ALWAYS answers prayers.  Yes, No, and not yet.  This has been true of my life time and time again.  What He also revealed to me is that God can change my heart.  I prayed for two to three solid years for God to restore my first marriage.  I prayed fervently and passionately.  The good part is that the more I prayed to closer I got to God.  Then the revelation hit.  God hit me with a No to my prayer but with a caveat I later found out.  It was No (because I have something better for you).  I just didn’t realize...

  Each passing day gets a little bit better.  I’m not exactly sure what is going on with my mental state.  Maybe it’s the adage that Time heals all wounds or I’m just acclimating to the new life of mostly solitude.  The important thing for my mental health/sanity is to not look back and long or expect for yesterday to return.  Instead I have to continually tell myself to look forward and hope for better days in the future.  If this is the absolute worst that life can be right now, this is manageable.  Seriously there were times back in 2007 after my first divorce where I convinced myself that I would never be happy again. I really believed that utter despair was my new normal.   Not only was I happy after that, but those years were the most joyous moments of life.  That is really saying something because I’ve had an awesome and joy filled life.  In fact I feel as I’ve lived enough happy moments to fill up four lifetimes.  Because I ...

  I think the realization hit me sometime this weekend. I believe it was Saturday night specifically as I went for a late workout.  It might not seem like a big deal in the overall scheme of things but considering where I was for most of this past year it is significant to me.  I realized, I like my life.   Does that mean I’m over the loss of my family or miss them any less?  Absolutely not.  But considering how I’ve given myself over to my faith and am just focusing on what I can control, I would say I have it pretty good right now.  Could it be better with someone to love me and for me to love someone?  Another absolute yes. Life can always be better and it can always be worse. The key is finding the contentment in the present.  I’ve come to grips with this season and I am supposed to be alone right now.  I still pray desperately for my family.  I know I am supposed to wait on God.  I know I’m supposed to learn to wholly rely...

  I had a different yet totally fulfilling day. I was tempted to feel guilty for doing whatever I want but that is the position in which I find myself.  I spent most of my adult life trying to figure out what to do for the best of the group/unit and then trying to make the best of it.  Now I find myself just needing to be concerned with one.  I wish it were different.  I’m starting to embrace my new identity of being single albeit reluctantly single.  I should say in my singleness I’m leaning into my faith in God like never before.  While I’m alone I’m increasingly less lonely.  While I do miss the companionship of a spouse and the presence of my kids I’m learning to be at peace at all times.  The hard part for me in being alone is that I will always believe it is best for the children to be reared in a two parent home with their mom and dad.  So I find myself with guilt in not being able to provide that stable foundation for my own chil...

  Certain days I’m confident and full of hope.  Other days I’m not.  I really have no idea what my life will look like in five years.  I can see a number of different scenarios playing out.  Sometimes this uncertainty drives me bananas.  I don’t like being out of control.  Yet at this moment the only thing I can control is how I respond to things I can’t control.  Sound confusing?  Welcome to my life.  I do know this.  My hope is not in anyone or any job.  My hope is solely in the Lord at this moment. Now if I would have had this mindset all along I could have saved myself a lot grief and heartache.  It’s a shame that I had to lose everything nearly hitting rock bottom emotionally and psychologically for me to resolidify my spiritual walk. My spiritual walk goes in stages similar to the cycles where the children of Israel went through when they were wandering around in the desert.     I’m happy that God finally g...

  Going to the dentist just made my day great. I know that seems a bit weird but hear me out.  My wife called me earlier today to ask if I could take our oldest to a Dentist appointment.  I quickly agreed.  I had been planning on going to the gym but this certainly took priority. I was due for a rest day anyway.    This was an excuse/bonus to see my daughter again.  I am starting to appreciate all the little things I either took for granted or discounted before.  I know I should have cherished this time before but life and complacency got in the way.  Now each moment I get to spend with my kids is a blessing because of the disparity of visitation.   I don’t want to lose this point of view again. It’s kind of like when you are enjoying a bowlful of popcorn or candy. Once you get to the last few remaining pieces you start to savor them more instead of just shoveling them in your mouth.  Why is that?   I think because you know the...

  I feel like I’m on an emotional pendulum.  Today was a good day.  I had hope.  It was totally opposite of yesterday.  I think that I might not be stable with all the swings going back and forth with my psyche.  The good thing is that I’m internalizing this.  The only place I’m sharing my feelings is through this forum and with my therapists. Yes that is plural. I’m reaching out to many people wiser than me as I navigate the treacherous waters of despair, hope and joy.    I’m writing this blog for a couple of reasons.  1. Most importantly it’s good therapy for me.  I enjoy being able to write and be creative.  This gives me the most fulfillment.  That is why I wanted to become a writer in the first place. Other than my family and my faith, the greatest joy I I get in life is inspiring others through my creativity.    Yet it is so difficult to make a living as an artist thus I’m a teacher as my day job and I...

 I'm in a really weird position right now.  I'm so disheartened and so discouraged, yet I still have Peace.  How is that even possible?  Hope really isn't there but peace is. Joy isn'r really there either but peace is.   I know that whether I have a good day or a bad day eventually those feelings will end and God will remain faithful.  I don't see how people walk through trials like this without a savior.  I know I couldn't do it.  Right now, I'm just operating on emotional fumes knowing that this feeling in the pit of my stomach is temporary.  God is faithful even though I might not feel it at this precise moment.  Those feeling of Joy will return.  Right now I'm just leaning into the promises of God.  Tomorrow the rest of this week, this month, this year will be better.  

  I had such a wonderful time with my girls this past weekend.  It’s been a few days since I blogged because I was trying to keep my focus and every minute of my day on them. I don’t have them as much as i’d like so each moment with them is precious.   We didn’t really do anything either.  I think we just enjoyed each other’s company.  I always have a bit of a downer whenever they go back home but this is a little different.  This is my new reality.  I just have to learn to accept it.  There is nothing I can do to fix this situation.  The only thing I can do is make it worse.  I’ve been taking the necessary steps in self-development and discovery to ensure that backwards steps don’t happen.  I am blessed with three remarkable girls that each are absolutely unique.  It’s pretty amazing how ideal they all are.  I am so very proud of them.  What sucks about this whole situation is that they are the victims in this (as al...

  Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I wasn’t really looking forward to the holidays.  In fact I was kind of dreading it.  I’m not a big fan of winter, especially this year.  Winter to me always symbolized cold and death.  I know that’s pretty dark.  Even in the old days for the cold days, I used to be able to look forward to cuddling up on the couch in front of the fire staying warm.  The cold symbolized an excuse to get cozy with a loved one in a romantic sense. That was the main thing I liked about the winter holidays.  That option is off the table for me right now.  Right now the cold is a reminder to me that I’m alone.  That said, I’m walking through this season with hope and faith that God has a plan.  My hope is in the Lord.   I’ve had a really nice couple of days.  I feel hope again.  Not that anything changed but I know that life has good things to offer.  My youngest son from my first marriage came to sp...

  I was getting tired of writing about downer days.  I’m sure you were probably tired of reading about them as well.  I had like three bad days in a row.  Now nothing overtly negative happened to me those days.  It’s just that my “Hope” meter was on empty.  I know intellectually that my Hope comes from the Lord and that He is always faithful but that doesn’t help with the immediate loneliness and despair that periodically hits. The enemy knows this and is trying to keep me down.    Hope comes in waves and I was bereft of any sort of tide coming my way.  I know what I need to do.  Just like I did last night, put my head down and get through it.  I used to be a distance runner.  I was never fast, in fact I was pretty slow with short legs/strides, but I could run for miles.  It was the endurance that I was good at.  (I’m paying the price for that today with no cartilage in my arthritic knees but at least I have four mara...

  I wasn’t sure I was going to post today but I am forcing myself to do so. I’m a bit down and lonely today.  I saw my kiddoes for a few brief minutes at church.  So if the grief comes in waves, I’m experiencing a wave right now.  I know I’ll pull through.  I know intellectually that God is faithful.  I know I am doing all the right things.  But I’m still down.  I should probably just go to sleep and start fresh tomorrow.  I need to stay in the moment.  In the moment there is peace right now, but not an abundance of joy.  What I need now is hope.  Hope for the future is what drives me.  I’m not going to make this worse on myself.  Im looking forward to the short week.  I get my kids next weekend so that is something I can look forward to.   I know there are a lot of people out there that have worse problems than I do.  I just have to keep everything in perspective.  This too shall last.  ...

  I had a really nice day today. It was an encouragement for the last couple of days where I was a bit down.  I realize I just have to suck it up during the bad days and survive.  This is my new normal.  I just have to consider the days with the children as bonus days.  They always lift my spirits.  It started yesterday.  Because I didn’t have my kids I got to go see a movie.  I love going to movies and actually prefer seeing them on my own.  I splurged a bit on myself and joined AMC’s movies A-list where for $23 a month I can see up to 3 movies a week.(not a paid endorser for AMC but I should be).  To make this work financially I need to see at least 1.5 movies a week.  I’ve been able to do that for the most part.  I do have a lot more time on my hands being alone.  So yesterday I was able to see a Norwegian movie, Sisu 2.  I didn’t feel like I had to pay for it since It’s a part of my package.  So I’m able to s...

  It was another downer day. Nothing specific happened to make it such a day.  I think it’s just the process that I have to go through.  I’m learning as I’m trying not to over-react when I get in down and lonely moods.  The holidays are obviously a bit tough.   My girls are so excited for Christmas and I just can’t share in their excitement.  I don’t want to be a debbie downer around them so I’m forcing on a happy face.  It’s a fake it, till you make it kind of thing.  My eldest is really wanting a live Christmas tree which we’ve never had before.  So I’ll probably go and choose one with her.  I have zero Christmas decorations.  So everything will have to be from scratch this year.   So I made a conscious choice just to endure the down day.  I tried to do things that help my mood.  I went to see a Norwegian movie after school and had lunch. I just love watching foreign films.  The ones that come over and hit...

I learned something about myself today that might seem obvious to most of you.  Maybe it should seem obvious to me but I'm a slow learner.  Yesterday was a down day for me.  I couldn't really explain it because nothing inconsequential happened or at least nothing really bad happened.  So why was I down.  Upon reflection today I think I figured it out.  I had a really great week last week.  I just strung together a bunch of good to great days and I rode that wave of emotional elation as long as I could.  Yet I fell off the board yesterday and I couldn't figure out why.  I was just down.  But then it hit me.  I think I might have fooled myself a bit.  Thinking that I had seven great days in a row maybe I thought I was over my pain/loneliness and it would mostly be rainbows, puppy dogs and sunshine from here on out.  Oh, I was a bit wrong.  While I am an eternal optimist I now realize how inaccurate those feelings of min...

  Im a bit down today. Not really too sure why, but then again I wasn’t really sure why I was up for the last couple of weeks.  Maybe the grief and joy comes in waves.  One small explanation is that I am a bit disappointed.  I made a scheduling error with a doctor appointment which meant I wouldn’t get to see my youngest today.  I was really looking forward to it.  Her smile just lights up my day.  She’s at the age where she is just so happy just to be with me even though we aren’t doing anything.  I think I might have gotten a bit spoiled seeing my children nearly every day for the past week.  I had grown accustomed to that.  But now that it isn’t presenting itself just for 1 day it has put me in a funk.  So what did I do wrong?  Did I just come to rely upon the daily interaction to give me a false sense of hope and family?   I’m not too sure.  I really have been treasuring each moment that I have with them.  An...