The heartbreak of parental alienation

OK, I’ve been going on and on about God’s faithfulness and Im a living testimony. But now Im going to complain. Is it a sin to complain? Im not sure. Jesus got angry and there is something about righteous anger. I’ve held my tongue for the most part for the last year or so, but something happened that just got me mad. Whether or not I write about my ex-wife, the relationship with the kids just gets worse. No matter what I do, good or bad, the relationship just gets worse. Ive held out numerous olive branches only for them to come back disdainfully in my face. I have lost any and all types of relationship with my children. Im not sure if they hate me, but they intensely dislike me, well two of the three do anyway. Do I blame them? No. They are teenagers and teenagers are naturally angry to begin with. I still dearly love them. But the hostility and lack of respect they are showing not only me, but my family is inexcusable. A parent should train and model behavior for their children, not just allow them to act in any way that they choose especially when they are making bad choices. You can’t absolve yourself of responsibility and say “they are making their own choices” when the inception of the poor behavior was your manipulation to begin with. I am talking about parental alienation. I am the poster child for parental alienation. You can’t say “Im not getting in the middle of this” after you have already committed you alienating damage. Its like when you light a house on fire and then walk away. As the flames engulf the house, the arsonist says I have nothing to do with this fire, its not my responsibility.

I had to go to court to see my daughter in July. The first time I saw her in two years. The last two times I went to pick up my kids for visitation my ex-wife had hidden them from me. Finally a judge intervened and granted me my rightful visitation. But when my ex-wife can’t win legally, she will attack psychologically with her manipulative ways. She grew up with only one parent with the other being estranged, so this sort of situation is normal for her. She’s just reliving/recreating her own dysfunctional youth by manipulating the children into a destructive path that she walked down. Misery loves company. Anytime a parent causes the children to turn and hate the other parent is just plain wicked. Not only does it hurt the alienated parent, but the long term psychological effect on the children is devastating. How do I know this? I’ve studied it, and have had dozens of people contact me through this blog and other venues explaining that similar stories happened to them. Its interesting almost every single person tells me, “your story Rick is a lot worse then my story.” Its really rather tragic a father losing his children especially a father like me. I was always considered a “great” dad by everyone that ever knew me. Even my ex-wife as we were going through the divorce begrudgingly admitted my only redeeming quality (in her eyes at the time) was that I was a great dad. So what happened that turned me into a poor father? Well a lot had to do with her getting remarried. We weren’t on great terms before that, but we communicated for the best interest of the children. But as soon as the new husband entered the picture it went from difficult to nuclear. I did move to California for work, but I flew back every other weekend so I didn’t miss one week of visitation. But still the strain of the relationship with my kids was getting worse even though I maintained the effort. The alienation or brainwashing was starting to slowly take hold. First my daughter then my boys. Even when I moved overseas, I still made an extreme effort to fly back 2-4 times a year to see the kids. But still the relationship just got worse. Its almost as my ex-wife thought the kids don’t need their father any more because she had a replacement now. I have several emails from the new hubby taunting me to this effect. Again the estrangement of a birth parent this is normal for X because this is how she grew up. But it certainly is not normal for me as I have two very loving parents that have been married for 48 years. Even as the emotional distance mounted I still tried. I found out about two years ago that all the emails (my daughter wouldn’t take or return my calls) were not getting to her. I printed the emails to show my daughter that I had been trying but by that time the damage had already been done. My ex-wife had blocked me from my daughter’s email account (that is why she hadn’t been getting them). Of course she denied it as she denies anything that might negatively indicate her and came up with a lame excuse. About a year ago she encouraged my son to send his phone back to me. Again, part of the process of alienation is that the kids defend the alienating parents They insist that their choices are entirely their own not influenced by anyone but themselves. So my son will argue it was his choice and his choice alone. But someone drove him to the post office, someone paid for the postage, and someone addressed the package. I think what happens is that anytime the kids stand up and reject me they get positive affirmation from their mom. That is how my ex-wife manipulated me in our marriage and that is now being repeated through the kids. Now the latest shenanigan is I tried to call my son for his birthday. But my number is blocked (this is very illegal). How do I know this? Because my parents called him five minutes later and got through, plus they admitted it in an email. Now my kids don’t want to see me and apparently they don’t want to see my parents any more either. You see it is not just me, but the kids are being alienated from all things Beeman. You just can’t take half of who they are and pretend it didn’t exist because you have had a change of heart. If you know my parents, you will know they are very good people that don’t deserve the heartache of losing the relationship with the grandchildren whom they dearly love. They, like me would do anything for these kids. Its really ridiculous how bad this is. The bickering and fights just never seem to end. It seems as the better my life becomes as I heal, the more aggressive she becomes. I have had to defend myself from my ex-wife through the lawyer on four different occasions. I wish I got airline miles for as many times as I’ve paid to retain him. First she tried to have the kids taken from me via Child Protective Services on two occasions, shown up with a sheriff at my house on another couple of occasions, hid the kids during my visitation period, and probably worst of all encouraged them in their negative attitude towards me then tried to absolve herself of any wrong doing. I could give you dozens of other examples but you get the idea. There are only two things that get me angry, 1. When things aren’t fair, and 2. When people take advantage of others. Well, this certainly falls into the category of 1. Its so unbelievably unfair. I guess the frustrating part for me is there is nothing I can do about it. I can just wait. Wait and pray that kids will ultimately see my heart and see the truth for themselves. But unfortunately its probably going to happen when they get older and leave the toxicity (towards me) of the house which they are living.

I have mentioned in this blog over and over again how blessed I am. But being blessed happens in a lot more ways than merely financial blessing. When I compare myself to my co-workers of India, Pakistan, or the Phillipines, yes Im amazingly blessed. I heard it said once that if you have $20 in your pocket you are richer than 95% of the world. I see that truth on a first hand basis almost daily. But not only am I blessed but it is very easy to be a blessing to others as well. I feel like I have to clarify this as X is now suing me once again. I will take care of my children and my responsibility. I have never missed a child support support payment ever. Even though there were stretches of unemployment. Since my divorce I’ve been able to pay every single bill. God is meeting all my needs. Now he has given me the ultimate blessing with a beautiful, supportive, and amazing new wife. X and her new hubby read this blog everyday, sometimes multiple times a day, because I mention how blessed I am they are thinking Im making big money. So they are thinking they are in for a big payday. They are going to be quite surprised when we do go to court when they find out the truth. I do make a modest salary, its even considered average when you compare it to the rest of the U.S. but extraordinary when you compare it to my non-American co-workers. One thing I’ve learned is that no matter what I have, with God it is enough. Apparently with my ex-wife it is the opposite of that. I have spent so much money on frivolous legal fees as I have to defend myself from her petty attacks. Its like she won’t give up. She is always fighting me about something. So Ms. Ex-wife. Here is a note just for you. You decided to break our marriage vow, you sought the divorce, you got custody of my beloved children, you got remarried, you turned them against me, you had a new child, why are you still so angry? Why do you insist on fighting me still. It seems like you got everything you wanted but still you are not satisfied. You create angst and drama where there should not be any especially with the children. You can fight with me or any outside force for as long as you want. But until you can look yourself in the mirror and be objective then you will never be satisfied. Blaming other people for your problems is easy. But once you start its like you start digging a hole. With each fling of blame you dig a little deeper. Pretty soon the hole you are digging is over your head and the only way out of the hole is down. So the blame gets thicker and thicker. You are trapped blaming anyone other than yourself for your own problems.

So if you want to go back to court again…Im going to win. I have righteousness on my side, so really I can’t lose because All things work together for good for those who believe and are called according to his spirit. I know that I know that I know that I am called from the spirit of the Lord. That is a pretty good defense attorney.