Early Warning Systems

 I believe we were created on this Earth to have Relationship with God.  In Genesis 3:8 it describes God walking in the Garden with Adam in the cool of the day.  Abraham was also called a friend of God.  David was a man after God’s own heart.  So with all this relationship business in the Bible it makes sense that God both speaks and listens to us like any normal relationship.  Too often Christians view communication with God as a one way ticket and use God as a type of Santa Claus.  We don’t spend enough time listening to Him or at least I don’t.  This communication becomes even more muddled with sin in our lives.  I know when I have sin in my life it acts like radio interference.  I try to hear from God but I can’t hear from him clearly like before. The noise sometimes drowns God’s voice or sometimes the enemy comes in and mimics God’s voice taking me off the path.  Both issues happen to me.  The Holy Spirit is a gentleman very soft spoken.  I hear God the clearest when I have a pure heart and am living in righteousness.  I feel like I’m finally becoming that person that God designed me to be again after many months/years of compromise.  God is listening to me but I also know that I am suffering in part because of the consequences of my sin.  God always forgives the repentant heart but sometimes the ramifications of that sin linger.  (See my life as a reference.) 

So I’ve been doing a lot of crying out to God.  I’m alone so I don’t have many others to talk with and even if I did, they’d get tired of me complaining about being lonely all the time.  So as I was praying last night, I got a very strong impression that this next week would be a very difficult week for me.  I was to double down on my prayer and routine in order to not fall into temptation again and self-medicate to ease the pain.  So then my mind started to wander.  What does tough week mean?  Will I get into a car crash? Will I run out of money? Will something happen bad at work?  Will my relationship with my children be damaged? Will I get sick? Will I be discouraged?  I didn’t know what to think, but I knew if God was going to give me a heads up about it, I could certainly overcome it. In fact he was giving me the tools to overcome it.   I’ve had these types of “Early Warning Signals” before in my life from God.  The struggles indeed happened and I was able to endure until the storm passed.  So I forgot about it and I went to sleep.  

About halfway through my day, a spiritual heaviness fell upon me.  It was like a forty pound wet blanket weighing down my spirit.  It was a mix of despair, depression, regret, loneliness, and just coldness. I was completely isolated even though I was surrounded by people.   I knew because of the heads up I received not to lash out.  I quietly endured, careful not to make things worse for myself with negative reactions to others I might come across.  I just had to endure it.  It was so intense I forgot about the warning until about 10 minutes before I started writing this blog.  I tried to do the healthy things I do to cope when I’m down.  I had a vigorous workout at the gym.  I tried to sing out praises in my car even though my spirit was breaking.  I could barely get the words out.   And I prayed…and I prayed.  Now I’m doing the thing that helps me the most recently, this blog.  This is just good therapy for me.  If I can help others through my pain and loneliness I feel like it’s not for nothing.  There can be good that comes out of everything.  All things work together for good, even week long struggles.  Just by writing this my spirit is lifted a bit.  1 day down and another 6 to go hopefully.  I felt as if next Monday would be the breaking point for the heaviness.  So now that I got advance warning, I can prepare for the storm and not suffer the undue consequences that one would normally experience. I won’t drown or get washed out to sea.    I can fortify my defenses and ride the storm out.  The storm/heaviness not catching me by surprise.  I wish I could say I look forward to the next week, but I can’t.  I can just endure and survive. So why does God allow these storms to happen?  Why can’t I just pray it away?  If he can warn me about it, can’t He also flick his wrist and make the heaviness dissipate?  I don’t know Why.  Sometimes we never find out the “Why” question.  I just know that God cares about us and our happiness.  He won’t always remove the storm right away, but He’s giving me the strength to endure it nonetheless.  If I can maintain my peace and joy through the midst of the heaviness all the better.  For those of you reading this, thank you for walking this journey with me.  I hope you can be inspired through my struggles and ultimate triumph.   I was a bit disappointed to learn “This too shall pass” is not in the Bible.  So I asked Chat GPT for help.  I learned from Evangel College and Twila Edwards “That All Truth is God’s Truth.”  So if it is truth then it is of God.  Here’s what Chat GPT had to say about heaviness and “This too shall pass.”

The phrase “This too shall pass” does not appear anywhere in the Bible.

However, the idea behind it — that suffering, hardship, and even good times are temporary — is expressed in several biblical passages. Here are a few verses that convey that sentiment:

1. 2 Corinthians 4:17–18 (NIV)
   
   “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
   
   So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
   
   

2. Psalm 30:5 (KJV)
   
   “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”
   
   

3. Ecclesiastes 3:1 (KJV)
   
   “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”
   
   

4. 1 Peter 5:10 (NIV)
   
   “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”

The saying “This too shall pass” actually comes from Persian and Jewish wisdom traditions, and it became popular in English through folklore and later through speeches and sermons.

OK, Rick talking here again.  It’s interesting that four reference verses I share are on my God’s promises sheet which I recite nearly every day.  God knew what this week would be like for me, and he threw me a life saver to keep me afloat.  “This too shall pass!”  

An emotional blender of a day.

 I’m trying to stack my good days together. Today was another good day.  I also have to redefine good as being “not bad”  I have this little routine I do in school.  Instead of taking attendance or roll call, I ask a specific question then each student has to stand in front of the class to answer it.  We do it so routinely that it’s not a big deal to them anymore.  What they don’t realize is I’m getting them comfortable in public speaking which is the #1 fear of most adults.  The answers to varying questions are often insightful.  It’s also a subtle way for me and others to share our faith in a safe and non-judgmental setting.  Sometimes I select a short video to share with the students like, what’s your favorite breakfast and I show a video of breakfasts around the world.  Or what is your favorite movie, what is your greatest accomplishment, that sort of thing.

Today the question was who are you most thankful for?  Soul Pancake creates these great short videos I use often for my question of the day.  Here is the video I showed with today’s question:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHv6vTKD6lg

The premise behind this video is that the more you share your appreciation/gratitude of others the more your happiness increases. It was a unique experiment.  Their findings I absolutely concur with.  So I always go first to model the behavior I want to see.  As I was talking about my late father as the person I am most thankful for, I unexpectedly became emotional.  It really surprised/shocked the students to see me start to tear up.  They aren’t used to seeing their teachers in a vulnerable position like that.  But if I’m asking them to be vulnerable with their art/performance I need to model that behavior too.  I explained that I was able to write my father a letter showing him how much I appreciated him.  I read it to him last Christmas while he was well enough to understand and appreciate it.  I started crying because I was so thankful to not have any regrets because I told him everything I needed to tell him while I had the chance.  (Here is a reminder for all of you to do the same.  Don’t wait until it’s too late)
Thank you Mike and Mechanics and The Living Years.  It was quite a beautiful moment actually.  I enjoyed being able to express myself in this manner.  There have been so many tears I’ve shed over the last year, but these were tears of thankfulness and appreciation. My father lived a good long life.  He modeled to me what a great father and husband should be.  I have tried to emulate it but I’ve failed but I can keep trying to get it right.    It was very cleansing and healing cry for me.  I don’t do this everyday.  I think that is what caught the students by surprise.  A lot of times students put teachers in a box, labeling them and dehumanizing them. .   Teachers tend to do the same thing sometimes especially with the challenging students.  But we need to remember we all have reasons that dictate our behaviors.  We try to put people in boxes so we don’t have to think about the complexities in life because that is extra effort.  The truth is not always so simple especially when you consider context.

The overall take from this observation and video is that I need to be more appreciative of people and things I have in life.  Yes this isn’t the way I expected my life to turn out, but still I have a lot to be thankful for.  I need to remember to focus on the things I have and not on the things I don’t have.  Life could be a lot worse. I have it so much better than the rest of the world.    Right now at this moment, I’m trying to continue to be filled with hope.  I’m praying that I survived my Nadir (low point) and that things will improve incrementally from here.  

It’s interesting.  I had the best 48 hours of my life in NYC about 4-5 years ago.  It was a magical time and one that I’ll remember forever.  I remember thinking, is this the highlight of my life?  How can I possibly top this?  Ironically enough, and slowly but surely things started to unravel.   Ever so gradually my life became worse after that culminating in what (I hope) will be the lowest point of my life a few months ago.  Will I ever hit that Apex/High Point again in this lifetime?  I hope so.  It’s worth striving for.  And I’m going to appreciate everyone that has helped me along the way.  I also hope I can help others along the way too.  I’ve found true happiness is found when I put other people’s needs ahead of my own.  It’s still nice to have encouragement along the way too.  Someone wrote me a quick note of appreciation yesterday and it literally made my week.  (It doesn’t take much, I know).  I just know that God is faithful and He will send people/things your way to help you when things look bleak.  I have a small thing, I’m thankful for, I’m unexpectedly getting my dog for a couple of days.  It’s the little things I’m thankful for.  I’m also grateful that I have an outlet to share my feelings with you.  It makes me feel less alone.  I better wrap this up, because my dog is patiently waiting for me to go to bed so he can lean against me all night long.  He’s a bed hog and bed hogs are welcome now. 

100 Requests and the Pathway to Hope

 A strange sensation came over me today. I was still somewhat depressed from the remnants of a great weekend to the polarity of an empty house.  So I’m glad there is a clinical diagnosis for it (https://rickbeeman.blogspot.com/2025/10/adjustment-disorder-with-depressed-mood.html) so it shows that I’m not alone.  This whole depression thing is such a novel concept.  I like to think of myself as the most optimistic guy on the planet.  Yet these circumstances are really challenging me.  One of my places of refuge is the school.  I try to leave my home issues behind.  The students don’t know and most don’t care what I’m going through.  I might have mentioned something about the separation at the beginning of the year but they have minds like goldfish when it comes to other people’s problems.  They have dire (in their minds) issues of their own.  I try to be the cool, firm but fair teacher.  I do have a few issues with students and it all revolves around their PHONES.  What are we unleashing upon society with these kids and their dependence on their pocket computers of escape?  I was wandering through the commons where there are hundreds of kids waiting before school starts, yet more than 75% of them were locked in on their devices not interacting with anyone.  It was a bizarre scene.

OK, so one of the student’s mentioned to another to watch out, I was in a bad mood.  I was.  I try not to be in bad moods often because negativity begets negativity.  I try to model Christ in everything I do.  Being in a bad mood, being mean, angry or lonely doesn’t reflect Christ very well.  One of my favorite quotes is from St. Francis of Assissi “Preach the Gospel always, when necessary use words.”  So I was quite convicted with the bad mood part.  I can tell that most of the students like me.  I’m different than most teachers being Lateral Entry, meaning I had a career before teaching.  I have a different perspective on education and I think it works.   There is even a culture of students wanting to use their extra free time to organize themselves into writing/producing/editing special projects with little supervision from me.  This initiative thrills me.  I always have regrets at the Seniors I’ve trained up leaving only to be pleasantly surprised with the new batch of Freshmen and Sophomores ready to take the reins.  I have my class set up where I can have Beginning (first year), Intermediate (Second year) and Advanced Students in the same classroom.  The advanced students don’t have to do all the homework but they are tasked with helping train the beginning students on the equipment and the nuances of production.  It’s a pretty good system.  Better education/experience for them and less work for me.  Win-win.  I’m a bit sad when my third year students (I’ve had two thus far) graduate.  

So I just have to power through these days.  I came home still in a bit of a lonely stupor.  My evening classes got cancelled so I had a bit of time on my hands.  I went to work out, but had to cut it short due to low blood sugar.  That’s one of the hassles of diabetes.  You constantly have to adjust your Insulin intake when exercising and when not exercising.  It’s a delicate balance.  So after my abbreviated work out, I dug into some personal homework I had meaning to get to.  My dear friend from college is a Pastor in Alabama.  He read this blog and reached out to me.  He’s going to partner with me through this season.  What a God send he is.  One of the tasks that he asked me to do was write a list of 100 things that I wanted God to do for me.  It’s called Faith In Action: The 100 Requests challenge.  One of the verses that accompanies this challenge is Habakkuk 1:2.  

“Write down the revelation

    and make it plain on tablets

    so that a herald may run with it.

3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time;

    it speaks of the end

    and will not prove false.

Though it linger, wait for it;

    It will certainly come

    and will not delay.

So I figured I’d give it a shot.  I’m a writer so i thought I could come up with at least 20-25 and come back for the rest later.  About 20 minutes later I had 109 detailed things I was praying for God to do in my life.  God likes specifics, so I was quite specific.  Suddenly my mood was lightened.  Did anything happen to make me hopeful?  No, the only thing that changed was my perspective.  Suddenly I was filled with hope.  The prayers (some might consider a pipe dream) were my way of crying out to God to test Him.  It’ll be interesting to look back at this list in 10 years time to see what has come to fruition.  The Bible also clearly states, “without a vision the people perish.”  This list/task/homework assignment has given me vision.  I dedicated it to Lord and we’ll see what comes of it.  

I was feeling good after the list and went to Costco for a cheap dinner.  I needed Gas too and it’s close by.  It reminded me of my late father who would often drive 20 miles to get gas that was 10 cents cheaper.  We tried to explain the faulty economics to him but to no avail.  But I figured if I could get gas, eat cheap, and workout (there’s a Planet Fitness across the street) It would be a productive outing.  So I was able to eat and finish the second half of my workout.  Along the way, I’m filled with hope and in a good mood.  I just have to survive the week, scratch that survive the month/year.   I felt the spirit tell me it would be a challenging week and thus far it has been.  I’m hoping my perspective will help me navigate it emotionally well.  Once again, thank you for reading and your support.  It’s nice to come home and have someone (even in a weird cyber way) to share my day with.  It’s healing for me.  I appreciate you.  

Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood (F43.21)

 I was due for a bad day. Well it’s not really that bad, just less than ideal.  I had a great day followed by 3 really good days.  That’s four positive days in a row, a new 2025 record!.  Why were they good days?  (because I didn’t blog about it, you don’t know) I had my children for my visitation for the weekend and Teacher Work Day today.  Even just typing that brought a smile to my face.  Three things have been really helping me survive this pain and loneliness during this separation, 1. Prayer, 2. Working out 3. This blog.  There are some other things too but they pale in comparison.  So for the last three days I forewent #2 and #3 so I could completely focus and be present for my children.  Because I only get to see them about 13-15% of the month, I cherish the time that I do have with them.  I think they enjoy it too, especially the dog.  The dog travels with the girls so I get to see him too.  We didn’t do anything too spectacular this weekend, we just hung out. We love watching movies together and my youngest loves to cuddle every chance she can get. I’m more than happy to oblige.  She doesn’t truly understand the nuance of separating she just realizes that dad is living somewhere else at the moment and isn’t around as much.  She misses me and it absolutely breaks my heart.  So if she wants to cuddle watching movies, then it’s my favorite thing to do in the entire world right now. It was anyways even before the separation.  The other two are aging out of the cuddling phase which is perfectly natural.     It made me so happy to be with them.  There is that elusive “happy” word but it’s accurate.  I was just doing normal stuff with them like the playground, making meals, going out for free ice cream (Im presently obsessed with the Monopoly Go game at McD’s.  The obsession will be over soon.  But because of that I have a lot of free ice cream cones and my kids love McD’s ice cream.)  It was just magical.  It’s like I’ve been walking in a desert for weeks and their visits are like a fresh drink of cool water.  Now, I’m back to being parched for the next two weeks.  I might see them If I’m needed to drive the girls to/from practice.  I was reluctant at first to do that but now I jump at the opportunity if it presents itself.  I love to be needed and I do miss them so. 

Everytime now that I drop them off I fall into a deep depression.  The lingering sadness of the empty townhouse (It’s not a home, just a roof with walls) is palpable. My place is so quiet now.  It’s mess because of the little tornadoes that they are, but I don’t mind that.  It just is visual reminder that they were here.    So it was good timing that I went to see my therapist as soon as I dropped them off.  I am a big believer in therapy.  Proverbs says Wise is the Man that has many counselors.  So I’m seeing two therapists now plus all of you readers. If you want to throw your opinions/advice my way I’m more than interested in reading them.  I want to be a better person throughout all of this.  OK, back on track, apparently there is a clinical term for what I’m going through right now.  It is called: “post-visitation depression” or “post-visitation sadness” according to ChatGPT it means: Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood (F43.21) – The sadness and difficulty coping occur in response to the ongoing stressor of shared custody or divorce for noncustodial parents who feel a profound sense of loss when visitation ends.

Yep that’s me. (Full transparency because that is what I do) I think what is even harder about this Adjustment Disorder for me is that I still desperately love my wife, so I miss all four of them.  I feel powerless to change my situation.  The only thing I can do is pray like crazy and NOT revert back into old habits that created this mess of a situation in the first place.  So my prayer through all of this is healing.  

If you are reading this and are contemplating Separation/Divorce PLEASE DON’T! (unless you are in physical danger or other extenuating circumstances). Reach out to me privately, I’d love to chat with you.  Learn from my mistakes.   

What sucks about all of this is the children are innocent victims and they get hurt the most.  I saw the emotional devastation that my first divorce had on my kids and I’m doing everything I can to avoid that with this batch.  I’m kicking myself for repeating my mistakes and not learning from all of them.  But it’s in the past and I’m trying not to be defined by my past actions. (If anyone has a cheap DeLorean outfitted by Dr. Brown, I’d love to talk with you.)  But in the meantime I can’t beat myself up anymore.  It says in Revelations 12:10 that “the enemy is the accuser of the brethren.”  Guilt does not come from God, conviction yes, but never guilt.  So the guilt I’m feeling is stealing my Peace and Joy.  I have to protect that.  I reference Romans 8:28 nearly every day.  “All things work together for good for those who believe and are called according to His purpose.” Right now, I know I’m doing my part by believing and being called according to His purpose.  “I also don’t get out of bed (most mornings) without saying aloud “This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.”  Im trying to rejoice and be glad and some days are better than others.  How long will it take for “good” to come?  One week?, One Month, One Year, One Decade, One lifetime?  King David who is a man after God’s own heart asked God four different times (at least) for God to hurry up.  Some of the problems David encountered were his own doing and some were not (just like me).  The verse that resonated the most with me: Psalm 141:1 “Lord, I cry unto thee: make haste unto me; give ear unto my voice, when I cry unto thee.”

So I concur with that.  Make Haste God, not for my sake but for my precious children.  They don’t deserve this.  It’s my fault not theirs. 

YES.....alone

Today was a great day.  Do I dare say I had Happy moments?  Sure, I dare.  I had a lot of happy moments today.  It's such a respite from the Debbie Downer phase that I've largely been in this year.  2025 has sucked.  But today was a respite in the dark.  

I am a child of the 80's (born in 1968) but I graduated high school in 86 and went to college 86-90.  It was one of the best decades of my life, I think second only to the 2010's.  I do believe the 80s was the best decade ever with an honorable mention to the 50's and roaring 20's in the US.  Interestingly the best decades seemed to have come the decade after major world wars.  The 80s gave us Reagan, MTV, Spielberg movies, Big Hair, and Apple Computers.  I was also a big fan of the music of the 80s.  Music was very important to me during my formative years.  I had already seen most of my favorite bands in concert previously (Styx, Reo Speedwagon, Loverboy) But one I hadn't seen yet was YES the progressive rock band started in the 70s but exploded in the 80s courtesy in part because of MTV. My favorite all time album is from YES 90125 released in late 1983.  

So I was quite excited to see that YES was coming in concert to Durham.  I need to see the bands of my youth quickly as the band members keep dying off (RIP Ace Frehly).  So I went to look for tickets 2 months ago.  The only tickets I could find were $1000 each.  (YES was playing in a smaller venue in the Carolina Theater in Durham with only a capacity of 1048.)  So while I love the 80's I don't love them that much.  Plus, I don't have anyone to go to a concert with me.  I don't have many friends I hang out with just yet.  That is part of my challenge.  But as the date got closer I kept checking habitually for tickets to get cheaper.  I found if I ordered them directly from the venue I wouldn't have to pay the exorbitant 3rd party fees.  Still there weren't any good seats available.  The only seats I could find were the nosebleed seats in the second balcony.  Plus, there were only a couple of seats left.  I reasoned if the concert sold out, I have good excuse NOT to go.  It would save me money and I'd get to sleep on time (Im getting old).  But I kept checking.  The nose bleed seats were slowing being bought up.  OK, it was not meant to be, I reasoned.  Then last week I checked again ready to buy the nosebleed seats when a couple of seats in the PIT (right in front of the stage) suddenly opened up.  Not only that but those seats originally listed in the VIP section with a $500 price tag.  Now those same seats were only $15 more than the nose bleed seats.  I snapped it up quickly.  The next day the seats were gone.  So instead of second row from the back, I was now in the second row from the stage dead center.  (Pics attached).  I had something to look forward to.  

But still I bought only one ticket.  I thought to myself, are people allowed to go to these sort of things alone?  I wasn't sure, I had never been to a concert alone (movies yes, but concerts no).  It's not like I would stand out, I would go enjoy the music and the experience by myself.  I'm starting to become accustomed to being alone.  Having someone to share those experiences with would sure be nice but it's not in the cards for me right now.  I'm making the best of it.  I got to the show early.  The lobby was packed with a bunch of old people.  It's not lost on me that I'm an old people now too.  I just thought a venue full of my peers made me laugh. I don't feel as old as they looked.   One thing for certain is the crowd would not stand up during the entire concert and ruin the view.   That's a perk of all those seniors. I jest....kind of.   

The show started right on time at 8 with no opening act.  The show was awesome.  I really enjoyed myself despite the fact that they didn't play any of my favorite songs from the 90125 album like Owner of a Lonely Heart, Leave It, Hold On, It can happen to you etc...   I had so much fun, just by myself.  That was so refreshing to me that it can be done.  I'm even so jazzed that I'm writing this blog way past my bed time.  I have to be up for work in 5 hours.  I believe the feelings I'm having at this moment is confirmation that God does indeed have my back. God wants his children to be joyful and even happy sometimes. “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.”— John 15:11.  “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”— Psalm 16:11

.            So does God care about the little things like one of his followers wanting to go to a concert to be happy?  You bet he does.  Psalm 147:3 says "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds."  I'm certainly broken hearted and today I felt like my wounds were tended to emotionally and psychologically.  God cares about the minute details even while He's managing the universe.  He's actualy concerned with my Peace and Joy and wanted me to be whole again.  Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.  It's been really difficult to delight myself in the Lord in 2025.  But on Oct. 16 I was able to Delight in him even though I was alone...YES!

The Good Old Days

 This is going to be a short one today, in theory anyway. It was an average day but it’s ending on a good note.  Not enough to start a new Good day streak but that might come tomorrow.  I have something special I’m looking forward to tomorrow but I’m not a liberty to say just yet.  That my friends is what is called a Tease for you to come back tomorrow to find out what it is.  

God is walking by my side in all of this pain.  I feel His presence.  I have a theorem I would love to prove someday but I’m not sure how.  Lets call this Beeman’s Theorem.  “God’s voice in volume is directly proportional to the amount of darkness that you are experiencing.”  What that means is if you are lost in a pitch black cave, God’s voice might be the only thing you can focus on to escape from the cave. He speaks more acutely when you are in pain.    

Now that I’m living my life right again, I’ve been hearing from God much more clearly and I needed that.  I got further proof this morning.  Yesterday I wrote about my Late father and Late Uncle always sitting around and talking about the Good Ole Days.  Yet this morning in my “Bible in Year” chronological reading plan, I heard this verse:  Ecclesiastes 7:10 Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?”  For it is not wise to ask such questions.  Didn’t we just talk about this yesterday?  I took that as God is listening to my heart’s cry.  At least I know that He reads this blog.  

I need to go to bed a bit early today.  Tomorrow is going to be a big long day.  Details to follow. 

Suckitude

 Well I had two good/not so horrible days in a row.  Now I start a new streak tomorrow.  How is that for an optimistic way of saying I had a bad day.  Again, I’m trying to be vulnerable right now, but I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’m trying to be transparent because society conditions us to put on masks of accomplishment hiding any vulnerabilities that we might have.  I’m here to help lead the charge that it’s ok to share weakness.  If the world did more of showing vulnerability, maybe we could share more empathy with each other rather than compete with each other.  If you are hurting, lonely, depressed you are not alone.  There are millions of us out there in that same situation but we’ve been conditioned to hide it.  This isolates us in thinking that we are the only one with the problem(s) and everyone else out there is normal or has it better than us.  I used to be so obsessed with what people thought of me. My insecurities stole my Peace and Joy.  Now, partially because of my age and spiritual walk I’m not that interested in what people might think of me.  Sure I want to be liked, who doesn’t?  But that’s not my overriding factor anymore.  Not caring what others think helps me be insecure about much bigger things that matter, like loneliness, rejection and heartache. (That was kind of a joke)  But even those things can be given over to God.  God’s curious timing.  Today in my Through the Bible in a Year plan, I was on Ecclesiastes 3.  Here’s the text so you don’t have to look it up.  Ecclesiastes 3: There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3     a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6     a time to search and a time to give up,

    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7     a time to tear and a time to mend,

    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8     a time to love and a time to hate,

    a time for war and a time for peace.

So right now I think it’s ok for me to have a time to weep and to heal. I still have Time to Hope as well.   It’s the right time for me to be alone. I might not like it, but my preferences haven’t been factored into the situation.   It’s the right time for heart ache and loneliness.  This is a distinct season which I am going through right at this moment.  I looked into the storm as it approached me and is now encompassing me on all sides.  I can stand firm knowing that soon (Lord I hope it’s very soon) The season of despair will be over and be replaced with a Time to Laugh, a Time to Embrace, and a Time to Love again.  I know it’s coming.  I just have to withstand this storm as it rages on every side of me.  There will be times like the last two days where the sun light will break through the dark clouds and offer a respite like my daughter and I saw yesterday.   Then those rays of sunshine will be engulfed again by the storm.  I’ll just withstand knowing that the storm will not knock me down as long as I’m prepared and brace myself for the impact.  Things will get better, I know that I know that I know that it will.  God is faithful and He ALWAYS keeps his promises.  It’s the details of exactly “How” they will get better that still are to be determined.  

I’m in such a weird headspace right.  I’m in limbo land.  I’m not married, but I’m not divorced either.  What am I?   Well, legally I’m separated.  But what about emotionally and psychologically.  I don’t know what I am. I just know that I’m a child of God and a father.  Everything else is up for debate.   I’m in limbo without a clear definition of my status.  I’ll be in limbo for at least the next 10 months unless a miracle happens.  I’m all for praying for miracles too.  That’s why I want time to fly by.  I wish I could transport to the future.  The pain I feel is a bit like the pain the Jim Carrey character felt in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”  In that film, the brilliant screenwriting Charlie Kaufman created a world where Jim Carrey could surgically erase part of his memory that included his EX so that his heartache from a bad break up would go away.  Then at the end he changed his mind (Uh-Oh spoiler alert) knowing that that pain is necessary for growth to occur.  While I certainly fantasize about ways that my heartache can be alleviated, I know that it’s not rational or feasible.  I could drink it away or self medicate again but that only makes the pain return at a delayed time with even stronger repurcussions.  Plus it’s not like the past years have been horrible.  Up until about a half year ago it was the best 15 years of my life.  I miss those good years.  I’m an old man on my lawn longing for the good old days.  Everytime they would get together my late father and his younger brother Tim, my late uncle would reminisce about the Good old days of Connellsville PA and their youth.  Single and without kids that is all my Uncle had, the memories of the good old days. My uncle was a grown up Hippie who lived his life according to his terms until the day he died.  Although the last few years my Uncle did embrace God and his spiritual side like the way he was raised.    My father lived quite the opposite life devoted to family.  He occasionally would miss the good old days as well but he also had the attitude that he was currently living in the present “Good Now Days.”  Two perspectives of Emerson’s Road Less Traveled.  My Uncle took the path on the left while my father took the path on the right figuratively, literally, spiritually and politically.  

So I know I had the “Good Old Days.”  Certain days I wake up thinking this is all a bad dream and I’ll wake up soon.  Then I have to embrace the reality.  Reality sometimes sucks.  I don’t think Solomon wrote that in Ecclesiastes: A time for Awesomeness and a Time for Suckitude.  Ha, I thought I just made that word up “Suckitude” but I did not get the red squiggle line underneath it indicating it was a misspelled word.  So curiosity got me, and it is actually a word. 

Noun

suckitude (uncountable)

1. (colloquial, informal) The condition, quality, extent, or measure of how much something or someone sucks; suckiness. 

Derived terms

• suckitudinal

Well…Its not in Webster’s Dictonary but it is in Urban Dictionary and that’s good enough for me. 

Let me use it in a sentence.  Today was filled with Suckitude.  I can embrace today because I know tomorrow will be better.  I’m healthy, fit, have a good career, a house over my head, children that love me and are healthy.  I have a lot to be happy about even with the occasional Suckitudinal day. 

Two good days in row....Woo-hoo!

 Two good days in a row…awesome. When I say “good” I think I need to explain how the definition of good is entirely subjective.  It’s meaning has changed quickly in my life.  To me “good” days means days that weren’t awful.  I am starting to string a few of these together.  I felt moments of joy return to my life in fleeting moments.  I’ve mentioned before the difference I’m feeling between happiness and joy.  Happiness is circumstantial whereas Joy is not.  Nothing big happened that would cause me to have a great day, but it was satisfying nonetheless.  In the months of darkness and heaviness I’ve experienced in the last year, it was a welcome respite.  

Today was a teacher work day.  I was able to Telework so I didn’t have to do my long drive into school.  I also made sure I got all my work done on Saturday and this morning so I could have my afternoon free.  I’m really digging the teaching schedule.  I shouldn’t have been so averse to teaching for all these years. My wife talked me into teaching for the stability.  While it might not be as exciting as the Film/tv industry it’s certainly more sustainable.  Plus I have a captive audience to tell all my entertainment stories to.  I have A LOT of stories. 

It’s so nice on the days where you can wake up without an alarm.  So I got up somewhat early and finished my work related obligations.  Then I was able to go for a nice long walk to Burger King.  I know, the idea of fast food counteracts the idea of exercise, so that is why I walked.  So they would (In my mind anyway) cancel each other out.  As I was about to leave I got a call that I needed to hang out with my middle daughter today. “Oh no…don’t throw me in the brier patch” cried Brer Rabbit.”  OK most of you won’t get that reference.  When I was a kid I loved a movie called Song of the South from Disney.  It was a mix of live action and animation.  It featured the song “Zip pad dee do da.  Zippity Day. My oh my what a wonderful day” sung by Uncle Remus.  Now I grew up in the 70s before the era cancel culture.  Yes in hindsight that movie is incredibly racist because it took place on a plantation with the representation of slaves.  I believe it was set in the 1850s.  So yeah, maybe corporate Disney was right in erasing it from it’s books. (Half of Disney’s old catalogue couldn’t be produced today.) Remember that Snow White/Sleeping Beauty’s spell was broken with a kiss.  Did the prince get their consent beforehand?    Those films were still an important part of my childhood and I didn’t grow up racist.  Racism is a learned behavior from your parents and friends.  I often tell people one of the greatest things I’ve ever accomplished was living overseas as a minority.  I have empathy now with other minorities.  I can relate to them like very few Americans can relate to them.  That’s why I HATE when minorities are mistreated.  On my father’s side my grandmother’s family emigrated from Germany in the 1900s to escape the growing threat of Nationalism and the Third Reich before it got bad.  On my mother’s side  in the 1830’s my ancestors were forced from their land in Florida by the US Government because of Manifest Destiny. What a load of crap Manifest Destiny was.   Manifest Destiny was essentially the government saying If we want your land, we’re going to take it because you know…Merica.  Imagine 100,000 people moving halfway across the US to land West of the Mississippi (Arkansas, Oklahoma) to lands that no one wanted. Why?  Because white people wanted those swamplands and the beach front properties.   Thousands of people died on the journey because they just didn’t have buses to move all those people they weren’t invented yet.  America has done some pretty shameful things over the years and Im about as Patriotic as they come.  But I’m also honest.  I don’t want to see mistakes of the past being repeated.  Im worried.  I’m not a big fan of ICE.  

Ok I’m off my soap box now.  Where was I?  I unexpectedly got to hang out with my middle daughter.  It’s such a breath of fresh air having someone I love with me.  We didn’t do much.  We just hung out, watched a few shows and had dinner together.  That was a really good day.  It doesn’t take much to make me happy these days as long as we’re moving forward and not backwards.  Time heals all wounds.  As long as there is another day in the books, I’m one day closer to that healing.  King David in the Psalms asked God to make Haste to deliver him from oppression.  I’m doing the same thing asking God to make Haste for me.  I can’t force God to do anything.  But prayer helps me adapt to my situation easier. Each day seems to be getting better than the day before as long as I’m doing my part in not messing it up.    Days where I can see my family again certainly aid in that endeavor.  I love them so much and miss them terribly.  I did experience this loneliness before when I lived/worked in Saudi Arabia for a year.  This is much harder.  Even though I’m less than 10 miles away…emotionally it feels like I’m half a world away.  Still when I see them, I’m not that far anymore.   I’m grateful and I’m joyful for that.  I’m going for three days in a row tomorrow. 

I didn't ask for all this flexibility...but I'm making the best of it.

 It dawned on me earlier today.  I’ve been married for more than half of my life.  Now this might not seem like a great accomplishment for those of you that are over 50 and have had one marriage to your name (which is the way God designed it to be…but I digress).  I have two 15 year marriages and I just turned 57.  So more than half my life was spent with the responsibility of being a husband/father.  One of the ways I’ve tried to live my life was putting other people’s needs ahead of my own for most of the time.  That’s been the ideal anyway.  So when you’re in a God centered marriage, God comes first, wife second, children 3rd, occupation 4th, then the rest you can fill in according to your convictions.  So more than half my life I’ve tried to put my wife’s/family needs ahead of my own.  So much so in fact that I didn’t have a life/identity outside of being a family man.  That is taking it’s toll on my identity now that I’m separated again.  But we’ve covered that previously.  That’s another tricky thing about being separated, How does a someone make friends in their middle-aged years?  There’s an old church joke I’ve heard and I think I might have mentioned it a couple of weeks ago.  What was Jesus’ greatest miracle?  Making friends after the age of 30.  My male readers are laughing.  Friendship takes an investment of time and energy.  For half my life I’d rather put that energy into my wife and kids.  They are the lifetime investment theoretically anyway.  I didn’t have nor make the time for friendships.  I still have life long friends from high school, college, grad school (before I got married) hat I connect with occasionally more so now.  There is no one local I can call just to hang out with.  I don’t want to impose myself and be intrusive into someone else’s family.  Im learning to be OK with this and trying not to consider myself lonely.  If you were a fly on my wall in my townhouse, you’d think I was crazy/schizoophrenic or bipolar.  Because even though there isn’t anyone around, there is a lot of conversation happening.  I spend a lot of time talking out loud to God.  I have many conversations.  I think that’s the way we were designed to be.  Didn’t God walk in the Garden with Adam?  It says in Proverbs 18:24:” A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Abraham was also called a friend of God.  It’s one of my favorite Lakewood Church songs as well “Friend of God.”  So even though I’m alone there are conversations happening.  Most of the conversations recently include me crying out to God.  “God I don’t like this!, God I’m lonely.  God I’m miserable. God restore my family. God fill me with your spirit. God help me be righteous.  God fill me with Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness and Self Control.  When I run out of things to talk about I resort to praise and worship which really helps as well.  

With that said, I’m building on what I wrote yesterday about Making the Best of It. This involves one of the potential benefits of living alone with no other outside responsibilities.  I work around 50-60 hours a week for two main jobs.  I work out at the gym 5-6 days a week for 1 hour+. I reward myself with a massage chair at the end, so that’s my incentive.    I also spend a great deal of time going to church and in my own personal devotional space.  So it’s not like Im wasting a lot of time through my day.  Though I could stand to read a few more books but that’s another blog.  Today was an unusual day, which was welcome.   I was able to sleep in without setting an alarm clock.  After waking up at 7:30a on my own,  I decided to go to early service.  My girls, when I have them, usually like to go to late service.  So I made the executive decision to take myself to early service at Summit Church, West Cary Campus, my home church.  There are a lot of people praying for me/my family/situation at that church.  I swung by Biscuitville before the service to get my free Birthday Bacon Egg and Cheese Biscuit.  I went to church.  Lately I always go up front to get additional prayer because it can’t hurt and prayer works.  So after church I went to work out for an hour.  It was arm/chest/shoulders day.  After the workout I went to McDonalds.  OK, this might be considered unethical, so please leave a comment if I offend you.  It also might make me seem incredibly hypocritical since I spout on about God all the time in this blog.  But my routine is I take a sandwich in to McD’s and get a free french fries with the purchase of a soda so I eat out for $1.61.  Now that they are playing the new Monopoly game as well, I get two Monopoly game pieces.  McDonalds has received so much of my money through the years I feel like this exchange evens out over my lifetime.  So I go eat lunch and watch whatever series I’m binge watching at the time so I don’t have to eat alone.  Right now it’s Slow Horses on Apple TV (the best show on TV right now).  At the tail end of lunch I was trying to figure out how to spend my afternoon.  I am recording the Raider Game so I can watch it later (Im a glutton for sports punishment apparently).  If I record it and watch it later, I can skip through the commercials and speed through the game if/when the Raiders eventually fall behind to lose. Low expectations help me not be disappointed. What’s the definition of Sports Insanity? Going to watch the Raider game and thinking they might win.   But what to do before then?  I check the movie times.  I joined AMC’s monthly A-list.  So that means for $23/month I can see unlimited movies.  I have a lot of time on my hands now with family obligations only taking up a fraction of the time I used to have to take. I also LOVE watching movies.  The mental/psychological break gets my mind of being alone for a bit.  It’s a nice respite.   So there was a movie starting in 30 minutes.  I try to time it so I come 25 minutes after the posted show time so I skip the trailers/commercials.  It’s more efficient that way.  I usually get there just in time for Nicole Kidman to spout out about the wonder of movies in an empty movie theater.   The timing worked out perfectly.  So I finish lunch and head out to the new PT Anderson movie: One Battle After the Other, which is/was brilliant.  It got 90% on Rotten Tomatoes.  I refuse (with very few exceptions) to see a movie with lower than 80% RT score.  I also ordered dinner from Too Good To Go.  Essentially that’s a discount website.  Instead of restaurants throwing out food, they package unsold/unused portions you can go pick up before they throw it out at a fraction of the price usually before closing.  I think it’s being a good steward.  My wife/kids think it’s dumpster diving.  But hey I can do what I want right? Flexibility.  So as soon as finish this blog in about 4 sentences I’m headed out to grab Buena Papas Potato Bar for dinner and bringing back to watch the Raiders lose (probably).  I didn’t ask for all this flexibility, but I’m making the best of it.  Today was a great day.  Thank you for sharing it with me.