A Wedding I was dreading to attend

This past weekend I attended the wedding of my niece.  To say I was dreading attending would be an understatement.  It had nothing to do with the bride or groom as they made a lovely couple.  Instead I was being entirely self-centered, focused only on myself.  I hate to admit feeling sorry for myself but I’m not sure what else to call it.  I was just very sad and lonely despite being surrounded by dozens of family members who know me, love me and are aware of my situation.  I guess when you break it all down, I was envious.  I miss being loved and adored.  I was unsure how I would respond when I saw two people that were crazy in love with each other on the best day of their lives.  Maybe that makes me an insensitive, self-centered jerk.   I spent a lot of time in prayer pre-wedding crying out to God.  While I did not have a panic attack, my mind did wander into territories that were not mentally healthy.  I spent an inordinate amount of time in prayer, essentially any moment where I was alone, which was not often.  

Perhaps I should be embarrassed about my envy.  I dreaded hearing the words, “Til death do us part.” part.  I said those same words, twice now and I meant them with every fiber of my being at the time and now.  But I know it takes two to agree to marriage and only one to pull the ripcord to get out.  I’ve been on the wrong side of that ripcord at least once…maybe twice now.  Now I’m not trying to absolve myself.  Part of my humiliation is that I know I’m the common denominator in both failed marriages.  I’m not trying to blame anyone here.  My choices/actions led to decisions of my respective spouses to believe a union with me was no longer tenable.  That hurt.  I’ve played the woulda/coulda/shoulda game in my head constantly. But that is looking in the rear view mirror and is not healthy unless I want to learn from it.    I wish I would have done this and not that and then maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this out right now.  The fact is that even though I failed, I tried and fought as hard as I possibly could to save those marriages.  I spent hundreds of hours (not an exaggeration) in prayer pleading with God to change hearts and minds for reconciliation.  I guess that’s the downside of free will.  There is a line in Bruce Almighty when Bruce asks God (magnificently played by Morgan Freeman

Bruce: How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?

God: Welcome to my world, son. You can’t. That’s the fun part.

So my situation might not change but I might because God can adapt me to face my situation as much as I don’t want to do so. I’m not in control and brother/sister I like being in control.  I would do anything for a second chance other than commit a crime or betray my faith.  But alas that decision is no longer up to me on my own.  I’m powerless in this situation.  If it’s not already painfully obvious, Im sure you can see that I still desperately love my wife and miss the family I used to have.  That’s why this separation is so brutal on me.  That’s why when i looked at the Bride and Groom adoring each other by staring into the other’s eyes, I longed for days gone by that I had that same unspoken experience with my partner.  It seems so long ago now.  

So I sucked it up and went to the party.  I was fortunate enough to have my daughters with me.  Their seemingly unconditional love and acceptance of me helped me through this loneliness.  Even though I was surrounded by hundreds, I felt isolated because I no longer had that intimate partner. A thing so simple as just holding hands with someone you love.   The one that would stick with you For Better or Worse.  If you have that now with your significant one,  cherish it, protect it, nurture it.  Do not be complacent with it or take it for granted like I did.  There is a line from Journey in the 70s.  “When you feel that Love’s unfair, you just ask the Lonely.  When you’re lost in deep despair, you just ask the Lonely.”  That kind of encapsulates where I was before the wedding.  Just feeling sorry for myself.  Nothing positive in my life every came from self-pity and nothing ever will. This is a season Im trudging through hoping to make it through as quickly as possible.  It’s a 100 meter sprint in three feet of mud and muck.    This is a temporary phase I’m trying to illustrate with my words in hoping to encourage others.  Learn from me and my pain, that’s why I’m trying to vulnerable and express myself openly.   I’ll be out of this pit soon enough, not by my own power but because of God’s faithfulness.  “He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.”  I just want the broken-heart to go away NOW……   But I know I must trudge through it knowing each successive day will be better than the day before as long as I don’t mess it up by self-medicating.  I’m doing so much better now than I was on Friday or Saturday.  

So I did go to the wedding and it was wonderful.  I was able to vicariously watch the love between the bride and groom and get encouraged myself.  It was a beautiful ceremony and I was honored to have my precious daughters by my side throughout it.  I was also greatly encouraged by my family members that had traveled from all parts of the nation to attend.  I do cherish the relationship I have with my little sister whom I don’t get to see very much.  God was with me.  The wedding was almost perfect. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and was able to be genuinely be happy for the true love of two young people who deserved this moment of support.  

I know that I will love and be loved again someday.  And I also know that God is enough for me right now in this moment. “My grace is sufficient for you.”   I just get blinded sometimes with my own wants and needs.  I forget and ignore the obvious love and support I now feel from my extended family and friends.  Please don’t feel sorry for me, that is missing why I’m trying to express this.  Instead love and appreciate those in your life in a tangible way right now while you still have the chance.  Two years ago at Christmas, I was able to write and recite to my father a letter expressing how much I loved and appreciated him being in my life as a father.  I shared it while he was still around and could appreciate it.  (Thank you Mike and the Mechanics).  I’m so thankful that I didn’t leave anything unsaid while I still had the chance.  Now that my father is in Heaven, I have no regrets in sharing while I still had the chance.  I don’t know what the future will hold for me and my future relationship.  But I know that God is faithful.  If I ever get another chance, I’m not going to mess this one up this much I’m certain.   I pray that all of you readers won’t miss the opportunity you may have.  

My wife was kind of enough to let me have my dog this week.  So I know there’s at least one creature in this house that loves me unconditionally.  After this weekend, that is enough.