Who I am.

I am doing this exercise with my men’s group at church.  The purpose behind it is to take an honest valuation of who you are right at this very moment.  It is so hard to be self-aware sometimes especially if we don’t like some of the things we see in the mirror.  So many of us live in denial.  It might not be full denial but partial.  We can all justify our actions.  I remember watching an old Maury Povich show where they were interviewing a murderer.  The killer admits that he murdered the guy.  But it wasn’t the murderer’s fault you see, at least in his mind.  The victim shouldn’t have been standing on the corner that day.  So in the murderer’s mind it was the other’s guy’s fault for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  We all justify our actions. That is why it says in Proverbs that “A man’s ways is right in his own eyes, but God weighs the heart.”  We can put on a full mask or partial and we can present a character of ourselves to our family, friends, associates, co-workers.  Sometimes that mask is absolutely genuine, other times we cover up parts of ourselves that we want to remain private.  We can lie subtly to others and eventually we may start even believing the lies ourselves altering our own perceptions of reality.  It is revisionist personal history that leads to denial, which leads to delusion.  The further along we go along that treacherous path the more we lose focus of reality.  Its so easy to justify everything in our lives.  I think I try to take the opposite road of this.  Do you have five minutes?  I’ll tell you everything that is wrong with me.  Not literally, but I try to be very forthright as it is part of my testimony.  Even I from time to time keep things hidden.  But the good part is, nothing is hidden from my wife.  I am completely candid with her.  Plus Im the world’s worst liar.  Even if I wanted to cover something up, I’d be found out eventually.  For me its just easier to get it out into the open the first time. 

So this exercise Im doing is pretty exhaustive.  Where have I been? Where am I now, Where will I be? How will I get there?  Since I try to live my life as an open book, I thought I would post these as I complete them.  For those of you that know me, many of this will be a rehash of what you already know.  Still there may be a surfer or two out there that stumbles upon this that may gain a bit of inspiration.  Wherever you may come from, I appreciate you reading this. 

Where have I been?

Accurate insight into my Christian beliefs and my personal walk with God can best be found with my testimony.  For a quick synopsis one would only need to look at the book of JOB:  A faithful man that had everything, lost everything and was blessed again with a second chance. 

I was fortunate to grow up in a God fearing home.  My parents made sure I never missed a Sunday day or evening service. I was actively involved in all facets of the church.  Giving my heart to the Lord at such a young age, I never really questioned my Christian walk; it was always a natural part of my being.  I studied the Bible and went to a Christian school and eventually a Christian college and Post-graduate school.  I was deeply versed in the faith.  I got married while I was still in Graduate school to a fellow believer.  After that we both moved to Hollywood as I embarked upon beginning my career and my family.  While in Los Angeles I never strayed from my faith, yet I was not as fervent as I could have been.  The nearly 10 years I spent there were sometimes dotted with small compromises that ultimately took their toll in the long term.  At this point, I had three wonderful children and what I thought was a pretty good life.  That’s when things took an unexpected turn.  My then wife’s father died after a long illness, and she relocated back to her hometown of Tulsa, OK.  I was informed that if I wanted to save my marriage I had to relocate.  I left my career and LA determined to save my family.  God restored the marriage.  I determined at that point to try to be the best husband and father that I could be.  After two years in Tulsa, we were called as an entire family to missionaries in Taiwan, working for a Christian production company.  It was one of the best years of my life serving the Lord and it had a tremendous positive impact on our family.  Yet SARS hit and my then wife felt like it was prudent to leave.  I didn’t want to leave but she was pretty insistent.  We both later agreed for the sake of my health it was best to leave since I’m a diabetic and have a history of upper respiratory illness’.   After two years living in Northern California working for a church, I felt the same call to go back as a missionary this time to Saudi Arabia.  I didn’t want to go and leave my family, but God’s call was unmistakable and undeniable.  I have learned to trust Him implicitly. I didn’t want to go and leave my precious family but every door closed but one.   As a family we decided that I would go alone at first and once I deemed it safe, I would bring the family over.  The plan was working fine at first as I found that God used me and blessed me in amazing ways while I was over in Saudi.  However, by the time I determined it was safe; my then wife had a big change of heart.  She decided she no longer wanted to be married to me and used the year apart as a preparation for separation and ultimately divorce.  Once I discovered the other lifestyle that she had been living I was on the next flight back to the US, leaving Saudi Arabia in less than 24 hours.  Once I got back, I didn’t recognize the person that I had known for the last 20 years. There was another person behind those eyes.    I tried fervently to save my marriage, but it was too late.  The next three years were brutal as my worst fears with the disintegration of my family were realized.  But even as Hell was thrust down upon me from all sides, I had an amazing peace as I knew that Lord was with me even in my darkest hours.  I was living this amazing dichotomy.  My feelings told me I was so unhappy and so miserable, yet at the same time I had this indescribable peace and joy.  Those of you that have been through Hell and walked with God know this peace that passes all understanding that I’m talking about.  It doesn’t make logical sense sometimes, it just works.  Feelings come and go like the tide, but God remains the constant. 

            I was able to heal and God had restored me.  God used this painful process to draw me closer to Him.  The day my ex-wife got remarried, I felt the supernatural release from my marriage. It was then I stopped trying for reconciliation as God had brought closure to that period of my life.  Shortly after that I got the opportunity to return to the Middle East as a lay missionary this time to Bahrain.  I had just turned 40 and embarked on the next chapter of my life.  God blessed me with an amazing experience as I amongst other things started a Bible study that had regular Christians, Atheists, Hindus, and Muslims attend.  God overflowed me with blessings, spiritually, physically, professionally, financially, psychologically and finally emotionally. I have so many vivid and wonderful memories of my time there.  Most of all them are chronicled in the archives of this blog.   While in the Middle East, I was led to correspond with this beautiful girl in North Carolina.  It was literally love at first Skype.  I was certain that she was the one that God had for me.  After an intense online courtship we quickly married and it has literally been “Happily Ever After” since that point.  We now have a beautiful seven month old baby daughter and life is pretty great again.  Not too many people get a second chance at life.  I am relishing each new moment.   I am an extremely blessed individual.  I am thankful for my creator having the grace and foresight of knowing exactly what I needed and when I needed it. 

As far as insight into my Christian beliefs, I grew up with the doctrine of Assemblies of God.  But in my many international travels I have learned that the essential ingredients remain 1. Love God, 2. Love your neighbor as you love yourself.  If you have those two tenets down, the rest will come naturally.