Rick Beeman

I had such a weird sensation come over me tonight.  It probably wasn’t very healthy but Im not sure what is mentally normal anymore.  I came home from a good but unspectacular day of teaching.  The teaching aspect of my life is really going well as I’m embracing my identity as a professional.  I have the ability to impact so many lives and I am.  That’s why I got into the film/tv industry in the first place.  I wanted to impact as many lives as possible.  Instead of doing that in the thousands/tens of thousands/millions, I’m doing it by the dozens or maybe hundreds.  That is OK.  The most profound influence I have is on my children but because of my present circumstance my direct influence is being somewhat diluted because of time and distance.  I only get to see them a fraction of the time I would normally get to see them.  But I’m still trying to make the best of it by driving them to practice and appointments on certain days....

  It was a good day.  That’s refreshing to say after a couple of bad days/weeks/months/years.  I’m so encouraged to have this forum to journal out my feelings.  It really is helping me.  If I can help people along the way as well…bonus.  I was talking to my therapist today.  (Im a big believer in therapy) plus the Bible says Wise is the Man that has many counselors.  He was asking me why I was writing this blog?  It’s a fair question.  I think it’s several fold for me.  When does my testimony for Christ shine the brightest,  When things are going great and I’m happy or when things are dark, depressed and lonely?  For Christian Marketing 101 it seems logical to bring people into the fold with offers of peace, prosperity, joy and happiness.  But right now something else is happening to me which is why I’m communicating my feelings as I venture through them.  I’m starting to experience Peace and Joy.  Now here ...

This past weekend I attended the wedding of my niece.  To say I was dreading attending would be an understatement.  It had nothing to do with the bride or groom as they made a lovely couple.  Instead I was being entirely self-centered, focused only on myself.  I hate to admit feeling sorry for myself but I’m not sure what else to call it.  I was just very sad and lonely despite being surrounded by dozens of family members who know me, love me and are aware of my situation.  I guess when you break it all down, I was envious.  I miss being loved and adored.  I was unsure how I would respond when I saw two people that were crazy in love with each other on the best day of their lives.  Maybe that makes me an insensitive, self-centered jerk.   I spent a lot of time in prayer pre-wedding crying out to God.  While I did not have a panic attack, my mind did wander into territories that were not mentally healthy.  I spent an inordinate ...

  I’m not sure if I’m going to keep this up everyday but it is making me feel better about myself so that is something.  Nothing really changed in my circumstances but my perspective has altered a bit.  At moments I’m extremely lonely.  I love/loved my family, perhaps a bit too much.  So being without them is a bit like being without an identity.  So I have to rebuild that.  While I may be terribly unhappy at the moment, I’m learning that one can have unhappiness and peace at the same time.  It sounds weird saying that but it is true now, and it has been true in various other parts of my life.  I think that is why they call it the peace that passes all understanding.  The peace doesn’t make sense.  It’s also possible to experience joy without experiencing happiness but I’m not there this time just yet.  Happiness is so fleeting anyway.  Some people search their entire lives for moments of happiness.  Joy seems to be m...

  I patted myself on the back a few times because I thought that was a clever title.  I was touched and honored by having some dear friends reach out to me letting me know that I wasn’t alone.  That did encourage me and I was very appreciative.  But fishing for encouragement was not the reason why I started re-writing this blog.  This is good therapy for me.  I know this is a season that I must trudge through alone.  God is with me.  Sometimes I feel his presence deeply, sometimes I feel like I’m walking alone.  It’s that old “Footprints” poem I guess.  I know that God is faithful.  And I am also NOT trying to blame anyone for my current state of being.  I brought this all upon myself.  I think it’s made worse because this is not my first rodeo, Unfortunately.  During my first divorce I didn’t start the healing process until I started to look in the mirror and took accountability for my actions.  That was a very ...

 Well, I'm back on this blog after being away for 12 years.  I thought those 12 years away were happy years, at least they were from my perspective.  But they were not from the point of view of my wife.  I come back to this spot a broken and humble man.  My life is experiencing a low point of which I've only experienced one other point before. This time I think it's even lower because of the joy I experienced recently.  So why even write/journal about it?  My therapist recommended that I journal my experience.  I know in times past several of my readers reached out directly to me letting me know that I played a part in helping save their marriages.  So if I can help just one other person through my anguish, I'll take it.   Currently, I am a separated from my family and I HATE it.  I miss them dearly and am not good at living alone.  I'm not going to offer any salacious details as to what led to my separation nor am I going...