Thursday, March 8, 2012

What I think Love is


This is the third part in a series where I am examining my life in detail.  This is in part to evaluate my past so I can learn from my mistakes as well as give me hope for the future.  I have answered who am I? and What have I done?  Now I will examine marriage and relationships. 

I was very fortunate to grow up in a God fearing home.  I understand that I won the genetic lottery as I lived a very privileged life growing up.  I didn’t really appreciate all the blessings that I had, and I don’t think many kids do.  For me it was just normal.  I think if you have a healthy childhood, no matter how you grow up, rich or poor that is normal to you.  I have taken many parenting classes over the years.  I have surmised from these several things.  But the principal thing is unity for a parent.  The most important aspect of being a mother or a father is for the husband to love the wife and likewise.  This will give the child amazing security.  All the rest, discipline, provisions, schooling, is all secondary.  The child needs the comfort of knowing that mom and dad are going to stick together.  If they have that then all the rest can naturally develop.

Now I was fortunate that my parents grew up in another generation.  The baby boomer generation.  This is the era where getting divorce was a shameful thing and discouraged in society.  Today it is so commonplace for people to give up easily and get divorced.  Not happy? Change the scenery and get divorced.  Our fast food society has equated relationships into drive through convenience.  What many people don’t realize is the psychological and emotional holocaust that Divorce is.  I have yet to meet a person that says, my divorce was great.  If they say so, they are lying.  I guess I rail against this concept so much so other people can learn from the pain and struggle of my mistakes. I am embarrassed at the fact that I had to go through a divorce.  I hate how it has affected my kids.  But I couldn’t control that.   

So back to the positivity.  My parents stayed together 49 years and counting.  That is the greatest gift they could have given me.  There was never a question in my mind, would mom and dad stick together?  Just that provided the strong basis for a happy childhood for me.  Not that there relationship was perfect, far from it.  Mom would sometimes yell at my dad for doing things which she didn’t approve of.  My dad would just be quiet and take it.  Upon reflection, my marriage has become just like that.  It’s amazing to me how children replicate either knowingly or unknowingly the behavior that was modeled for them. 

I have made a a few mistakes in my life.  The fortunate thing about that is that God has used those mistakes to propel me forward.  I have become pretty good at learning from mistakes.  I want to examine history, as I do through this blog, so I can use my past as a positive force in moving forward.  Though it is important not to dwell too much on the past.  It’s like when you drive.  Look at the size difference between the rear view mirror and the front windshield.  The rear view mirror is a fraction of the size windshield.  If you spend too much time looking in the rear view mirror you might miss your turn off or worse yet crash.  So it is important to keep a healthy balance glancing at the past but keeping your focus ahead of you.  If I would have bemoaned my past too much I would have missed the incredible opportunities that God had for me in the future.  Like Joel Osteen always says, “Don’t concentrate on what you don’t have, focus on what you do have.”  I think that is one of the key ingredients to contentment. 

My marriage isn’t perfect because my wife and I are both imperfect people.  It seems like everyone else has a perfect marriage because we only look at the outside veneer.  Its easy to put on a happy face so no one seems to notice what is deep inside.  Why do we do that?  Why is it when we ask each other, How are you? The response is usually, great, or pretty good when we often don’t mean it.  When I have a bad day sometimes, when people ask me how I am, I will say, pretty darn sucky, or I’m having a really bad day.  It is funny to see their reactions because 90% of them will be caught off guard.  They were only offering a pleasantry, because for the most part they don’t really care how I am doing.  The look of immediate panic on their face is quite amusing.  They don’t know how to react when it becomes too personal.    But I try not to do that too much.  So more often that not, I’ll just reply with a simple, fine thank you.  That’s the thing with most people.  Most people don’t care how you are.  They are concerned with numero uno.  Unless of course is if how you are doing directly or indirectly affects them, then they might take a vested interest.  I know there are exceptions to this rule especially in the church, but I think that this is generally true. 

OK, so back to my marriage.  Having had a failed and a successful marriage I think I have garnered the keys to a good relationship.  The key is being self-less.  As soon as you start thinking about what you deserve out of your marriage, then you are in trouble.  The more “I” that you dwell on, the more unhappy you will become.  God has taught me this over and over the past two years of my marriage.  He spoke to me very clearly.  I am supposed to get my affirmation and sense of self-worth from Him and not be reliant upon my wife for that.  When I do that, my marriage is a beautiful thing.  I take the focus off of myself and my needs. I look to God to fulfill that part of me which he always does.  When this happens it is easier for me mentally to be a blessing to my wife.  This in turn helps her be less selfish and be more of a blessing to me.  Then it becomes a perpetual cycle (and the sex is better too).  Can a Christian say that?  I guess I just did.  The key to a healthy relationship when two people can continuously be self-less.  That is why its so important to have God be a part of the relationship.  Having God gets the focus even further off of self.  The saying is a three strand cord is not easily broken.  I think God designed marriage to be this way.  He created us so that we could have peace and joy be the hallmarks of our life.  He didn’t design us to be miserable which is what some marriages can become.  I have seen heaven on earth and I have seen hell all through the eyes of marriage.  My marriage becomes hellish when I become more selfish.  So when do I become more selfish? Usually it revolves around if I have sin in my life.  Part of the guilt that I experience compels me to cast blame to anywhere but myself. It’s almost impossible to look in the mirror when this happens.  I have also found that when I am in a sinful state I naturally become more self-centered.  I deserve better than this, I deserve to be treated in a different way etc. Then I will usually try to justify my selfish action blaming others for it.   When I become this way that naturally leads to conflict with my wife.  Then it is a perpetual cycle in the negative way.  Marriage is like an engine really, you have to work to maintain it, so it will run smoothly.  I have mentioned before in this blog that my wife is like a Ferrari.  It’s a lot of work to maintain a high performance sports car, but when you do, the performance is unparalleled.  Now I could have easily chosen a Hyundai, dependable low maintenance but doesn’t excel in the performance category.  This is not to bemoan my choice of mates, because I would choose my wife a thousand times over.  I know she was the one that was destined for me, yet even created for me.  But I knew of this maintenance thing before we got married.  I knew exactly what I was getting into and I willingly signed up for it. I knew it would be hard work but I knew that she would be worth it.   Now when our marriage, or the Ferrari hits a few bumps I can do one of two things.  I can either blame the car, or I can blame myself for not properly taking care of the car.  If I want to have a happy marriage, I need to look at the mechanic not the vehicle.  When this happens I can more objectively fix the car by first fixing the mechanic.  The car won’t be fixed by me yelling at it to get better.  I have to work at it.  Sometimes it’s a lot of work if I haven’t been properly maintaining it, or sometimes it’s a quick and easy tune up.  So the onus is upon me to make this work.  When the Ferrari is running properly which it usually is, life in a high performance vehicle is a blast.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Another metaphor I have heard is that a wife is like a rose.  It’s the husband’s responsibility to make sure that she blooms.  That also means a husband needs to put up with a lot of fertilizer (crap) in order to help that flower bloom. 

Right now in my life I feel very fortunate.  This marriage has been a lot of work.  But every relationship is a lot of work.  We deceive ourselves if we think its going to be easy.  Why is it hard work though?  Its hard because our natural desire is to be selfish.  So all the hard work comes from fighting against that nature.  The more we can be self-less in a relationship the more harmony there will be. This is another reason why children are such a blessing.  Kids are an easy and natural way for us to take the focus off ourselves and place it on them.  I am convinced that the meaning of life and the secret of happiness is found in this precept.  If we keep the focus off ourselves which is our natural inclination then that opens the door to peace, joy and contentment.  That is how God designed it all to be. 

2 comments:

Joyce said...

Rick - I'd say that you've done a better than average job of looking at yourself - truly looking. So few people do - it's refreshing. I believe that you and Jennifer will live a long and happy life and that you will love each other more in fifty years than you do now - isn't that an awesome thought?!

Unknown said...

Even a complete newbie like me understood it.
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