What have I done.

This is the second part of a multiple series delving into self-examination and evaluation.  I never want to grow stagnant in my spiritual walk nor my personal development.  By looking back at both my failures and the successes I hope to learn from the past to not repeat negative behaviors.  God’s blessings upon reflection also serve to propel me forward to even greater heights.  I believe my best days are still ahead of me.  Starting at ground zero or rock bottom in 2007 with the loss of my family, I can honestly say each year has been better than the last.  With 2011 bringing the birth of my child and a marriage where we are both on the same continent, it was my best year ever.  There is no reason for that not to continue in perpetuity as long as I remain faithful. 

What I have done. 

From as far back as I can remember I always found the most fulfillment in being creative.  Even as I child I loved performing as that offered me a tangible outlet in creating. I knew I always wanted to be involved with media as it fascinated me.  It wasn’t until college when I took a creative writing course that my passion really exploded. It was at this point that my emphasis shifted into wanting to be a part of creating media rather than just reporting or acting upon/in it.  I was heavily involved with student politics through high school and college.  I won every election I ever ran for and I loved being in leadership positions as it befitted what I thought my natural talents were.  I felt that since I was so good at making speeches and figuratively kissing babies that I was destined for a career in politics.  That all change in 1989 with two very momentous life changing events.  The first is I went to see a movie called Cry Freedom at the Kabuki theater in San Francisco with my father.  I was so moved by this compelling story from Sir Richard Attenborough about the life of Steven Biko and South African apartheid that I wrote the South African Consulate. (I got follow up letters for years from the consulate)  God spoke to me distinctly through that film.  I have since come to learn that God speaks to us through our passions.  I thought if this film so motivated, inspired, and educated me then I want to be part of this medium.  I want to learn all about it so I could use its power to influence the world for the good.  I want to use it spread my worldview as I believe my worldview is the truth.   Those plans were temporarily put on hold because in my 20 year old mind had to go into politics because I was so go gifted at it, or so I told myself. I thought my path was inevitable.  Man plans his way but God directs his steps it says in Proverbs.  I’ve found that God will let you make your own choices unless He has another very specific plan for your life.  Then a door will close and you will be directed through the path where he ultimately wants you to go.  That happened to me in a very difficult and life changing way.  I was student government president of my college in my Junior year.  I thought I was very good at it.  As I ran for re-election, I lost.  I didn’t just lose, but I got obliterated.  Here I went from being the big man on campus to a nobody (in my mind) overnight.  I was absolutely emotionally and psychologically devastated.  In that moment God used my despair to essentially say “Screw Politics” I am making movies.  It wasn’t a 180 degree career shift, it was more like I veered off to a 90 degree angle since I was a Journalism major already.   My senior year I threw myself into my studies of communication and that led directly to me getting a job at the local ABC affiliate as a weekend assignment desk editor.  To have this position as a student was a real coup.  But even then God used the situation.  Being in news the idea is to attempt to be objective.  I don’t want to be objective, I want to influence people and the way they think.  For me it was all about subjectivity rather than objectivity.  I turned down a promotion and went to film school to obtain my Master’s degree.  It was there that my career was even further defined.  For my thesis I wrote a screenplay.  It was writing this screenplay that I discovered my most fulfillment.  I decided to go to Los Angeles to set the world on fire with my screenplays. 

Then something strange happened.  I made it to Los Angeles and I didn’t find immediate success.  I thought that film was my calling and God was on my side.  It just didn’t work like that.  From a very early age I always felt that God was going to use me to change the world.  In my mind I was confused why it wasn’t happening right away.  As a way of providing for the family I suspended my full time job of writing scripts and did various jobs in the entertainment industry.  I was a talent agency courier, a promotions manager at a syndication company, an office manager at a product placement agency, a marketing manager at the same syndication company.  All this time I was actively writing and shopping my feature film screenplays.  I had written eleven of the course of this time, with four pretty good and one excellent in my mind.  Ultimately my career path led me to become a writer-producer-director of various biographies and documentaries.  It was the last job that brought me the most fulfillment.  While I didn’t reach my goal of writing and directing feature films (I did come awfully close several times to selling those elusive screenplays) I still was creating.  In hindsight God was protecting me.  If I would have found immediate success all those accomplishments would have gone to my head.  I was not the character yet that God wanted me to be.  I had to be broken first by going through His refining fire.  I ultimately was broken again in a another very dramatic way (see personal testimony).  I left Los Angeles in 2001 in part to try to save my failing marriage.  When I left LA, I was extremely wounded psychologically and emotionally.  I felt like I was a failure very similar to the feelings I had when I lost the election.  It was at this point that I surrendered myself completely to God.  There would be no more compromises as I endeavored to be the best Christian, father, and husband that I could be.  I moved to Tulsa and became a writer for a Christian production company.  That job lasted only nine months as I was the first of many layoffs as the company downsized to lay off nearly 90% off their employees.  Again I was wondering where God was in the midst of my career.  Why was I struggling so much?  I went to work as a customer service rep for Cingular Wireless (now AT&T) making $9 and hour.  For a guy with as many dreams and aspirations I had this was difficult.  Finally in a very dramatic way, we as a family were called away to go Taiwan as missionaries.  Not making much money, not having any saved up, we were totally dependent upon God for His provisions. I had never lived week to week like that before.   God was faithful and he didn’t disappoint.  Instead of comparing myself and trying to keep up with the Joneses, I felt as if I had enough.  I was content with all the provisions that God had for me.  It was then that Paul’s “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” really took hold.  After we left Taiwan begrudgingly because of SARS, we came back to California where I worked for a church.  I so enjoyed this position of writing, directing and editing promotional videos that were used in the services.  Of all the positions I’ve ever had, this was the most fulfillment that I ever received because I was directly doing God’s work.  Then another definitive door closed and only one remained open.  It was very clear that God was calling me back to the mission field again this time to Saudi Arabia to work as a writer for an oil company.  Only I didn’t want to go.  I prayed and I prayed that God would find another way because I didn’t want to leave my beloved family.  My then wife and I fervently prayed about it and asked for a sign.  But I wanted a clear sign the size of a billboard. That was my fleece.  God had given us these definitive signs before when we went to Taiwan.  The very next day after this fervent prayer with my then wife at church the entire message was based on Matthew 19:29 “If any man leaves his mother and his father his wife and his land and his children and travels into a foreign land for My sake he will receive a thousand-fold blessing.”  As much as I didn’t want to hear it, it was clear to both my then wife and I that God wanted me to go to the Middle East.   I still tried every which way to get out of it, but every door remained closed and only this one remained open.  I reasoned to myself that despite God’s call, this was my way to give back to my then wife.  I was not able to provide enough financial security throughout my career that a wife deserves.  This was my way of tangibly making up for it.  So I felt that my year of sacrifice could make up for years of financial instability.  How very wrong I was.  In an ironic twist the greatest gift I thought I could give to my then wife in my mind was money.  But my time away ultimately ended my marriage as she decided she did not want a life with me anymore.  God used even this very dark time in my life to again propel me forward towards His will.  My reliance upon Him was strengthened innumerably.    I have felt a reliance upon him and found an intimacy that I had never experienced. 

Now I mention this because it had a definitive impact on my career.  Instead of seeing my self-worth through the eyes of my then wife (who didn’t think very highly of me) I started viewing myself as a child of the King.  I started believing in myself not because who I was, but rather who’s I was.  By believing in Christ in me, I was able to believe in myself again.  The day after that my (very unwanted) divorce became final I got two really big contracts for work.  The timing was God’s way of telling me that He had my back.    Since that point my career has taken off.  Perhaps not financially, but emotionally and psychologically.  (I have to be careful with what I write here because my ex wife reads this blog faithfully).  God called me back to the Middle East in a very dramatic way.  It was strange how this all worked.  For that time period of 2007-present, whenever I lost a job for various reasons, I found another within 24 hours.  This happened three straight times.  I’m convinced that God’s hand is now distinctly upon my career. 

I blogged about these times extensively, but let me quickly review.  I went to Bahrain to be the General Manager of a production company.  What an incredible experience that was. I feel so lucky and blessed to have experienced this.  In just under two years, I have a lifetime of memories.  I got out of Bahrain about six months before the revolts started happening, which again is part of God’s divine protection upon my life.  Then I wound up in Dubai trying to start up a production company there.  Things were going swimmingly as I felt like I was on top of the world.  I had remarried to a beautiful girl, we were blessed with her pregnancy, and she got permission to keep her job and transfer to Dubai to be with me.  But I felt the distinct call to go back to the US.  I got an offer to return to work for her company (SAS, who just so happened to be voted the #1 company to work for by Forbes magazine.) the same day serious questions were raised with my company in Dubai.    It was God’s perfect plan that led me back the US.  Jennifer had problems with her pregnancy.  If we would have still been in the Middle East, we wouldn’t have had health insurance and the bills would have been astronomical.  Im not sure if it would have affected the health of mom or the baby but it was nice to be on the safe side.  Who could tell this was coming anyway? Well God knew and it was part of his divine plan to keep me safe.  That brings us to today.  My contract expires with my company in one month.  Am I worried?  Not at all.   I know that God has seen me through every conflict within the last 10 years because I am living my life right.  There is absolutely no reason why He won’t come through again.  Just seeing His faithfulness historically in my life gives me an abundance of faith knowing he will come through this time and every other time in the future as well.  I guess this is what Faith is all about.