Rick Beeman

  I was due for a bad day. Well it’s not really that bad, just less than ideal.  I had a great day followed by 3 really good days.  That’s four positive days in a row, a new 2025 record!.  Why were they good days?  (because I didn’t blog about it, you don’t know) I had my children for my visitation for the weekend and Teacher Work Day today.  Even just typing that brought a smile to my face.  Three things have been really helping me survive this pain and loneliness during this separation, 1. Prayer, 2. Working out 3. This blog.  There are some other things too but they pale in comparison.  So for the last three days I forewent #2 and #3 so I could completely focus and be present for my children.  Because I only get to see them about 13-15% of the month, I cherish the time that I do have with them.  I think they enjoy it too, especially the dog.  The dog travels with the girls so I get to see him too.  We didn’t do anything...

Today was a great day.  Do I dare say I had Happy moments?  Sure, I dare.  I had a lot of happy moments today.  It's such a respite from the Debbie Downer phase that I've largely been in this year.  2025 has sucked.  But today was a respite in the dark.   I am a child of the 80's (born in 1968) but I graduated high school in 86 and went to college 86-90.  It was one of the best decades of my life, I think second only to the 2010's.  I do believe the 80s was the best decade ever with an honorable mention to the 50's and roaring 20's in the US.  Interestingly the best decades seemed to have come the decade after major world wars.  The 80s gave us Reagan, MTV, Spielberg movies, Big Hair, and Apple Computers.  I was also a big fan of the music of the 80s.  Music was very important to me during my formative years.  I had already seen most of my favorite bands in concert previously (Styx, Reo Speedwagon, Loverboy) But ...

  This is going to be a short one today, in theory anyway. It was an average day but it’s ending on a good note.  Not enough to start a new Good day streak but that might come tomorrow.  I have something special I’m looking forward to tomorrow but I’m not a liberty to say just yet.  That my friends is what is called a Tease for you to come back tomorrow to find out what it is.   God is walking by my side in all of this pain.  I feel His presence.  I have a theorem I would love to prove someday but I’m not sure how.  Lets call this Beeman’s Theorem.  “God’s voice in volume is directly proportional to the amount of darkness that you are experiencing.”  What that means is if you are lost in a pitch black cave, God’s voice might be the only thing you can focus on to escape from the cave. He speaks more acutely when you are in pain.     Now that I’m living my life right again, I’ve been hearing from God much more clea...

  Well I had two good/not so horrible days in a row.  Now I start a new streak tomorrow.  How is that for an optimistic way of saying I had a bad day.  Again, I’m trying to be vulnerable right now, but I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’m trying to be transparent because society conditions us to put on masks of accomplishment hiding any vulnerabilities that we might have.  I’m here to help lead the charge that it’s ok to share weakness.  If the world did more of showing vulnerability, maybe we could share more empathy with each other rather than compete with each other.  If you are hurting, lonely, depressed you are not alone.  There are millions of us out there in that same situation but we’ve been conditioned to hide it.  This isolates us in thinking that we are the only one with the problem(s) and everyone else out there is normal or has it better than us.  I used to be so obsessed with what people thought of me. My insecurities st...

  Two good days in a row…awesome. When I say “good” I think I need to explain how the definition of good is entirely subjective.  It’s meaning has changed quickly in my life.  To me “good” days means days that weren’t awful.  I am starting to string a few of these together.  I felt moments of joy return to my life in fleeting moments.  I’ve mentioned before the difference I’m feeling between happiness and joy.  Happiness is circumstantial whereas Joy is not.  Nothing big happened that would cause me to have a great day, but it was satisfying nonetheless.  In the months of darkness and heaviness I’ve experienced in the last year, it was a welcome respite.   Today was a teacher work day.  I was able to Telework so I didn’t have to do my long drive into school.  I also made sure I got all my work done on Saturday and this morning so I could have my afternoon free.  I’m really digging the teaching schedule.  I should...

  It dawned on me earlier today.  I’ve been married for more than half of my life.  Now this might not seem like a great accomplishment for those of you that are over 50 and have had one marriage to your name (which is the way God designed it to be…but I digress).  I have two 15 year marriages and I just turned 57.  So more than half my life was spent with the responsibility of being a husband/father.  One of the ways I’ve tried to live my life was putting other people’s needs ahead of my own for most of the time.  That’s been the ideal anyway.  So when you’re in a God centered marriage, God comes first, wife second, children 3rd, occupation 4th, then the rest you can fill in according to your convictions.  So more than half my life I’ve tried to put my wife’s/family needs ahead of my own.  So much so in fact that I didn’t have a life/identity outside of being a family man.  That is taking it’s toll on my identity now that I’m separ...

  I didn’t want to write yesterday. I was having a down day.  I thought, why should I write another “Rick is so lonely” piece.  At one point in life I really thought I was the happiest, most optimistic guy on the planet.  At least that is what I was striving to be.  Yet for the last year I’ve been the opposite of me.  I don’t feel like myself. That is why It’s so foreign to me, this loneliness, depression thing.   I know that this is a temporary phase and I’ll get out of it eventually.  The duration of the depression/loneliness is something that I can’t factor in or control.  I’m trying to make the best of it, and somedays I do.  Yesterday was not one of those days, but today is.  I miss being part of a team,  I miss having a partner, I miss having someone I could be proud of, admire and express my admiration,  I miss tucking my kids in at night and praying with them.  I miss checking on them in the middle of the nigh...

  I mentioned yesterday that I thought I was turning a corner.  Well today was better than yesterday so we are headed in the right direction.  I’m trying to be very brutally honest in this forum.  I do that as both an encouragement to others and to help call my shot when God will redeem me from the pit that I dug myself.  There is no doubt that this wallowing is a temporary space for me.  I am slowly feeling my optimism come back.  Why?  Did anything change?  No, just my perception has changed.  In seeking God whole-heartedly I’m starting to see my identity change.  What was so devastating for me this past year was losing my identity.  I so loved being a husband and a father, but suddenly when I wasn’t, who was I?  Did I have value, did I matter?  Was it always going to be this way?   My entire life I’ve battled with my identity.  While I’m a life-long Christian, that hasn’t always been my primary ident...

It might not seem like it at first glance, but I feel like I’m turning a corner.  Yesterday’s post I was wallowing in loneliness and despair, yet today I feel better.  The spots of despair are becoming lessened while the spots of peace are becoming lengthened.  This doesn’t mean that I won’t have my bad days, its just that the horrible days are finally becoming fewer and farther between.  I’m not 50-50 between despair and peace just yet.  But by my unscientific calculations (guess) I am 25% Peace and 75% despair.  That might not seem like much but for months it was 5% peace to 95% despair with some days being as low as 1-2% peace.  You see I really love(d) my wife/family. Having them ripped away (I realize that it was my doing) felt like my skin being ripped away emotionally speaking. Those were rough times which I NEVER want to experience again.  So even from going from 5% to 25% is a marked improvement and I’ll take it.  Hopefully tomorrow ...

Birthday Blah…This is going to be raw and unfiltered. Although I appreciate all the well-wishes from the dozens/hundreds of friends from all over the world,  Today still kinda sucked. It was  kinda  ok, but mostly it sucked. Being completely self-aware, I’m feeling sorry for myself. If you choose to read on, be forewarned.   Now I could do the whole Joel Osteen thing and focus on what I have, not what I don’t have.  That works sometimes/most of the time but I just don’t feeling like doing it today.  I feel like wallowing in the muck and mire and I’m not sure if that is a bad or a good thing. There is a time for everything right. Isn’t there a time for being lonely and being a curmudgeon? Or is that antithetical to Christ’s teaching?   I just know that journaling about it makes me feel better.  It makes me feel less alone, like I have someone to talk with at the end of the day about my day.  I haven’t had that for a long time, so maybe this bl...

  A strange sensation just swept over me.  It was familiar but I haven’t felt it in awhile.  Nothing out of the ordinary happened to me today.  It was the very definition of routine.  Yet I had a good day.  I’m still alone, I still miss my children, I still miss the family that I used to have, yet it was a good day.  I’ve been wracked by guilt, self-condemnation and loneliness for months now.  I didn’t feel them today.  What is confounding to me is that I have hope or maybe I’ve rediscovered hope. Logic says that I shouldn’t be hopeful because nothing changed from yesterday.    The only thing that I’ve been doing lately is Seeking God first and trusting him for rest.  Today I felt the dividends of that.  I’m not happy.  That much is clear, but today I was ok not being happy.  Today I was OK feeling Peace and Joy.  They seem to go hand in hand.  I must be doing something right.  I’m not one to judge...