Its getting harder and harder to gratefully accept solitude. Sometimes I want to be alone, othertimes, I wish I had someone. No…I wish I had someone special a lot. I have soooo many acquaintances here on the island, and I have soooo many online cyber friends. But I don’t have really a best friend here yet, or a go to group that I’m always a part of. I miss that. Its hard resocializing after the divorce. Before I never had to worry about what I was doing on a weekend night, or any social activities. I was always with my family and that is the place where I always preferred to be. But the divorce changed everything. Now I have to get back in the dating scene. I enjoy going out and talking getting to know people better. But I miss the emotional intimacy. I miss holding hands and kissing. Its been awhile for that for me. When you have that for 15 years then its gone in the blink of an eye…its takes some adjusting. Oh, I know I’ll meet someone eventually…but I get tired of waiting sometimes. I just want to hurry God up every once in awhile. It’s also really hard for me to be attracted to someone as my standards are ridiculously high. Yet when I find that right combination of beauty and intelligence and spirit, I always get…”I just want to be your friend” That’s ok too, because emotionally im in God’s hands too. It just get tiresome. I know I could have a girlfriend by next week if I really wanted one…but Im not lowering my standards.
So with that in mind, I spent a great deal of my day reluctantly somewhat by myself. We had church today and I spent it with the teenagers. I enjoy teaching them as I think I have some pretty valuable life experience I can pass on to them. Since I can’t really pass it onto my kids as often as I’d like because of the distance, these kids can stand in proxy for them.
I came back and chatted online for a bit (Im completely addicted to the Internet) and took a nap. Worked out like a beast, then went to see a film. I don’t mind going to see movies by myself. In fact I prefer it…it helps me focus on the film. But I think I speak for all expats when the go see a film with other arabs. Will you please “SHUT UP!!!!” A film is not a place to take a phone call, or to carry on a conversation with your date the entire film, or place to catch up with your friend. Yet…I found myself triangulated by all of these. Im a westerner, so its not wise for me to stand up and offer my humble opinion that they should respect others and be quiet. I would often voice my opinions at theaters in the U.S. but not here. Not that I lack in courage, but rather I garner in common sense. Another annoying thing here is the editing. There is no nudity or sexual situations allowed in the country. Pornography is illegal. Now Im not saying this is a bad thing. But artistically speaking, the editing of the film is so bad, entire chunks are cut out of the film which sometimes impedes the story line. The westerners here are also worried…that there is talk of banning alcohol and pork. Now, I don’t mind the alcohol ban since I don’t drink…yet all my friends that do drink are terrified of it. But don’t take away my ham sandwiches and pork bacon…that would get me to freak out.
After the movie (I saw Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood still can bring it. What is he like 80?) I had dinner in the mall, by myself. It was filled with Saudis. Which isn’t all that bad, but I have noticed they generally don’t have much respect for lines. I think this is an asian thing. They have no issues walking right up to the front. If you courteously let them know this is not appreciated…they most of the time are very gracious and apologetic.
So tomorrow is another acting class. I’m hoping not to get super drained mentally again. I do enjoy what I do. Im pretty fortunate. Plus I get to know people on a very personal level through these classes.
Thanks for your emails and comments on the blog. They are much appreciated whenever I get them.
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