Last night was one of the first nights in Bahrain that I had a hard time sleeping. Its strange while I was going through the divorce and up to two years after…I couldn’t fall asleep without two sleeping pills. I took them regularly. Otherwise I would lay awake for hours. Now it wasn’t like I was living my life wrong…I just couldn’t sleep. Then something weird happen. The night that I was called to leave Texas, that was the last sleeping pill I ever took. Im not sure how much it has to do with having peace in my life or not. But I do have a lot of peace and the sleeping pills are no longer needed. Leaving Texas in 2007 was the beginning of my healing process, X’s marriage to new hubby was the culmination of the healing of it. I mentioned this before but the night she got married….was such a horrible night not just for me but for my parents as well because of what it represented. We all secretly held out hope and prayed for a miracle of reconciliation. So the day she got married was quite traumatic. Yet the next day…I woke up and felt peace… Like I had been released from the marriage. I didn’t do anything different…I just woke up and moved on. It was bizarre. Ever since then I haven’t longed for her as a wife. Yet, I do long periodically for my family, my children, what I used to have…and there is a difference there, I think. I miss my kids desperately. I don’t want to fight for them because X has shown she can manipulate them against me and that causes even more long term damage. For example this past week my son said he changed his mind and wanted to visit me. I was thrilled. Yet the very next day he called me to say…”Mommy told me you left another silly message on our phone, so that shows you really haven’t changed, so I changed my mind, Im not visiting you anymore. “ Now this whole silly message thing…I am an enthusiastic guy…I leave enthusiastic messages..and I left the message on Max’s phone, which I pay for so he can have a daddy line. So why is X so upset when I leave a happy message… It seems like mountains out of molehills to me. I think I might leave silly messages on everyone’s phone. I thing X is addicted to drama. Every two weeks there has to be some sort of conflict manufactured to remind herself that divorcing me was the right thing in her mind. I think it must be the guilt. God spoke to me very clearly when I realized how dire the situation in my marriage had become, (that day sucked), …as I was being blamed for it. God said…this has nothing to do with you (rick), this is between her and I. That was confirmed three times within the next 90 minutes with three different phone calls from three different people I respect. Anytime that God speaks to you, he’ll confirm with his word or with witnesses. So I can fight for my kids…but if X will use them psychologically as pawns…its almost better for me to give up. It so sucks…I just pray that they come around and see the truth sooner rather than later. The years Im missing out with them…are pretty tough to take. I always dreaded Harry Chapin’s “Cats in the Cradle” song. Now that Im living it out…its very painful. I think Reji is going to be disappointed in me with this blog…he doesn’t want me to say anything negative…and I think he’s right. But for some reason I feel compelled to write this and Im not sure why. Perhaps its because my parents are here…and they are the closest family I have right now. Perhaps this is an indication of what I lost. That’s why I ruminate on such things…Can you believe I just used the word ruminate in a sentence?
So my parents are here…and it feels great. They like the place im staying at but are exhausted from their world wind trip to Israel. If any of you plan to visit Israel, Im a short plane ride away if you want a luxurious place to visit. Im looking forward to spending the next week or so with them.
I had an amazing morning today. Had a very productive meeting with potentially a giant client. Then we did the first interview for the documentary on a shipping port that was just built. Part of the interview was conducted in a giant ship to shore crane. Those are the Empire Strikes Back looking things in the Oakland Harbor. So we went up 50 meters and I was standing on this grid with only two handrails to hold on. I didn’t think I was scared of heights but this got me. The wind whipping up didn’t help. Then they asked me if we wanted to go to the very top. I said no at first and Manoj the Sri Lankan, was all for it. So he went up first and I followed. So there we were at the top of 76 meters less secure than when we were at 50 meters. I was so nervous that Manoj was going to drop the camera…or a gust of wind was going to do something bad. Manoj didn’t seem bothered by it all. I sure was. When we went back to the 50 meter section..they started moving this gigantic crane…because it rides on tracks…we had to hold on as our weight was being shifted….that was not fun…We got off shortly thereafter…but not without some breathtaking footage…I know it was breathtaking because it took my breath…by force.
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