The struggle

Im struggling with what to write about tonight for the first time in a long long time.  I haven’t been getting too much sleep lately.  There are myriad of reasons for that.  Work is actually going well right now for KSDi.  The other problems are recession issues.  Nader’s bank defaulted on some loans and they got rated very poorly.  I believe the bank is on the verge of collapse.  It is in all the papers.   So that has added an air of tension around KSDi.  I really admire and respect Nader, but this situation is really taking a lot out of him.  There’s not much I can do to help him. 

Part of being so involved with a family business is the responsibility that I have when communication breaks down between family members.  I’m kind of caught in the middle of that right now.  Again.  Actually I’m well suited to being the middle-man mediator.  So its not something that I shy away from. 

 Wow…Im going to cut this way short.  It seems like I’ve lost some of the inspiration I’ve had earlier.  I’m walking through a valley right now.  I’m tired of being alone, and I’m tired of being single.  I know that God has a plan for me.  I know that there are bright days up ahead.  I know I’m leaning on the promise of “All things work together for Good for those who believe and are called according to His purpose.”  But Im just not feeling it right now.  I’m hurting.  I haven’t talked to my kids in a week.  They won’t return my calls.  And I did something, probably not too wise last night.  I never delete my emails.  So I have a log of thousands of emails dating back to 2003.  Its quite a catalogue.  So I was looking for a friends old email in a search engine and out popped a few old emails from X.  They were right as our divorce was about to become final.  I read them and I shouldn’t have.  They brought up all the old memories and hurt.  I’m amazed that I was able to make it through that time.  It was truly by the grace of God.  Because I read them now…and they are pretty painful.  One thing that struck me..is how justified she is/was in her actions.  I honestly think she thought she was doing the right thing as much as I thought I was doing the right thing.  Its like someone looking up at the sky, one says its blue, the other says its red.  Yet each one believes themselves to be 100% right, and the other to be 100% wrong.  To complicate the matters its like we were speaking two different languages as well.  Like one was speaking French, the other Spanish and neither would listen to understand the other. 

It all just sucks.  Pray for me…I just felt like the wind was taken out of my sails.