Emotional Conudrums

I had one of the best days in Bahrain in a long time.  Perhaps it was because of a long conversation with the Czech the night before, or because Im getting my spiritual life back on track.  I didn’t fall off the rails in my spiritual walk, I just slowly drifted for the last few weeks because of the travel and busy schedule.  I just wasn’t as fervent as I had earlier been.  That of course went hand in hand with the disappointment regarding the children.  I think I figured out why X and new hubby are trying to so hard to influence/brainwash the kids.  The kids said no Bahrain and Europe, no to California and Disneyland, and no to the cruise.  I think they are trying to create an environment where the kids don’t have any fun with me.  If they do, they might think of me in a better light rather than the “big bad wolf” light that X and hubby are trying to portray me to be.  They might even long to spend more time with me.  I know its in God’s hand and light always exposes dark…always.  So it’s a matter of time before the kids see and realize the truth.  I love them dearly and would do anything for them.  One of the many reasons why I chose to come to Bahrain, other than God’s calling was to keep them out of the line of fire in the battle zone that X is waging.  But even half way around the world, she’s figured out a way to send the emotional scuds my way. 

I’m texting back and forth to Tanya about business stuff as I type…so I keep getting interrupted.  She noticed that my demeanor was lighter today.  I didn’t realize that I was carrying around such heavy baggage.  I try not to let it get me too down. 

So I understand it when girls say that Guy’s suck. Because we do…and me in particular sometimes.   The Czech was really interested in me at first.  So much so that it kind of turned me off a tiny bit.  As I meet her, Im thinking to myself why am I not crazy about this girl?  She’s gorgeous, smart, funny, Christian, never been married, no kids, open to living in the Middle East, knew every television show my mother watches (and if you know how much television my mother watches that is akin to beating Gary Kasparov in a game of chess), she works full time to put herself through school, and is incredible considerate and easy to talk to.  Sounds perfect right.  I think I got scared among other things.  Im usually only attracted to either girls that have been been abused.  The last three girls I’ve been in love with have been abused in some way.  I think it’s the rescuer in me.  Having that realization…finally was very helpful.  I liked helping others, but boy did that provide its share of drama.  I mean this is movie script kind of drama.  It does make for some interesting stories.  So the Czech doesn’t come from an abusive environment, unless you consider communism abusive, and her parents are still happily married.  So my sister asked me at Val’s, so do you like her?  I said, yeah, but I think I need her to reject me first to seal the deal and for me to really want her.  Why?  I don’t know.    So that kind of happened.  As soon as she cooled on me, because she thought I was cooling on her…everything kind of heated up on my end.  I don’t like that about me.  I need a challenge I guess.  Well the challenge is out there, and I’ve certainly seen what I needed to see.  Now I’m all full speed ahead in my pursuit of the Czech.  Is it a little too little, a little too late, as Ms. Benatar was prone to say.  I don’t think so.  So maybe that is why my spirits are lifted a little. 

Tanya asked me at the office today, why I wasn’t angry about something that happened that was pretty unfair to me.  (No this time it didn’t involve Texas).  I said Tanya, I’ve had so many unfair things happen to me over the years, if I were to dwell on them there is no way I’d ever be able to have any peace and joy in my life.  There are only 1.5 people in the world that I don’t like.  You faithful readers can probably guess who.  So Will Rogers has something on me.  The famous Oklahoman humorist was famous for saying, “I never met a man I didn’t like.”  Well…”I’ve only met 1.5 men that I didn’t like.  But there’s still time.  Im not dead yet.  Im not one to hold grudges.  I vent yes…but I don’t feel like I hold a grudge. 

Oh yeah.  I forgot I had a meaningful time in the office today.  Khalifa called me into the office to watch President Obama’s speech to Egypt and the Middle East.  Khalifa is trying to convert me into a democrat…or at least not be such a fervent George Bush apologist/supporter.  As Obama was giving his speech, I liked him more and more and more.  His philosophies were the same exact philosophies Im trying to enact over here.  A message of peace, communication and understanding of differing philosophies.  It was nice having that moment and sharing it with Khalifa.  I think it meant a lot to him too.  I was very proud to be an American today.