Blahday

I was feeling a little bit anti-party this past weekend. I was invited to two big shindigs, one last night, and another today. I just didn’t really feel like going. I tried to blame it on my voice. Who wants to go to a party when they can’t understand what you are saying. So I’ve been taking it easy all weekend. That’s not to say I haven’t made it out because I have. Today I got up to play Russ racquetball. For the third straight game I didn’t hit him. I was feeling really lousy at the start of the game. So I wasn’t sure if I should play him or not. But after the game I felt better. For me that’s a little bit counter-intuitive (man I like that word) you would think if I go through something strenuous I would feel worse, but quite the opposite is happening. Its weird when you play squash and racquetball at the same time. They seem like similar games, but they are absolutely different. Darren refuses to play racquetball because he is afraid it might mess up his squash game.

I was really looking forward to coming home and taking a long nap. I also wanted to work on a proposal this weekend. But I wound up watching the office and chatting with friends online. I skipped the barbecue party I was supposed to attend. I wanted to take Tanya’s kids out to see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I do miss being a dad. Seeing her kids, I think they are 9 and 6 sure makes me miss mine. Im missing out on so many experiences with them. But I have to reassure myself with me so far out of the picture geographically, at least there is less conflict for them to directly experience with X. They are not caught in the crossfire. I wish there was someway X and I could be amicable and communicate about the children what is best for them, but she refuses to speak me. It’s email only. She is so angry at me. I think that was one of the many purposes why God called me all the way over here, to protect the kids. I know he has a plan and I have to be patient enough to wait on him for it. Sometimes, like today, it gets really tough. If I could have my children over here…I’d be in heaven.

I told myself I was going to come home and work on the proposal. You know what? I’m amazingly unmotivated right now. This doesn’t happen to me too often. Im thinking of going to bed really early and getting a really fast start tomorrow. Kind of a dull blog today, and I apologize for that. Im in kind of a dull mood. In the beginning of the weekend, I really embraced my solitude. I had so much stress/nervous energy this week the quietness was inviting. Now I’m sick of it, and ready to get back to work. Its going to be a very busy couple of weeks. We have a new salesman starting tomorrow. I have to stay focused. It sure would have helped if I would have done some work this weekend…I just didn’t feel up to it.