I’ve been thinking about this blog post for two days as I didn’t want to react impulsively. Even now, I might write the post and then delete it as I’ve done numerous times before. I have nearly been in Bahrain one year now. I remember very clearly on my flight over here Oct. 21, of last year God spoke very clearly to me. He said while you are in Bahrain I want you to start a church and I want you to write your book. I started arguing with God, much like Moses did. How am I going to start a church when I don’t know anyone, and who would ever want to read my book, my story? He very clearly told me leave all the details to Me. I believe that the church is my small group on Monday nights, while this blog has taken the form of a book. Will it ever find a publisher if I decide to compile it? I don’t know. Would people want to read it? Well, I do have you reading this, and for that Im grateful. Im not really sure why your read but from tracking the statistics the blog has now gone all over the world. I say all this because I take the content of this blog very seriously. Most of the time I feel led by the Holy Spirit when writing it, as I feel led by writing this tonight. The blog is part cultural education with stories of Arabs and their lifestyle, part biography with my life interacting in a different world, and part testimonial with my walk through the pain and healing of divorce. Is it beneficial? Well, I’ve had quite a few people read and tell me that there marriage was also stormy and after reading this blog they were going to tough it out. They didn’t like the alternative with the picture I was painting from my own life. So If I can help save just one marriage, I think it will have all been worth it. Plus, by writing this blog, I don’t have my mother hassling me about never calling because she can keeps tabs on me through this blog.
There that is the set up. As I’ve mentioned before, it has been a very difficult past couple of weeks as God had forewarned me. I also haven’t made it easy on myself. Im out of routine with my devotional walk and haven’t prayed and fasted like God had instructed me to do. Whenever there have been storms in my life in the past, I’ve been able to maintain peace and joy because of my intimacy with God. But I’ve really struggled in this aspect for the past few weeks and the spiritual attacks from the enemy are certainly part of what God had warned me about. Two days ago, I got this incredibly painful and hurtful email from X. The issue was the date my child support payment goes into her bank account. I pay electronically and haven’t missed a payment since we became divorced almost three years ago now. She wanted me to have the money into her bank account on the 1st (which Im legally obligated to do according to the divorce decree). The way the payment works, is its taken out of my account on the 5th and usually goes into her account on the 15th. Its been like this for two years, now she wants it changed. I tersely replied via email I pay a month in advance so please consider the payment two weeks early rather than two weeks late. Again, this has been taken out of my account on the same date for the last two years. I consider this issue to be petty, but like most conflicts X has turned this molehill into a mountain. This is the response I got from X.
You are wrong. You are not ahead, and never have been. I let you know over a year ago that your payments were behind, and you have never done anything about it. I will email the hospital statement later today. How dare you challenge their legitimacy. I guess because you are dishonest in your income reporting it would be natural for you to question others. You are pathetic. Of course, you haven't been all that concerned with knowing what she has been going through anyway. And you call yourself a great dad. You are nothing but a self-centered, self-consumed narcisstic liar.
When I first read that email, I laughed and forwarded it to my family. Its just so extreme its hard to believe. While I do have my faults, very few people in my life think Im a bad guy. At least not to this level. I have mentioned before that it seemed like every three weeks there is some sort of conflict that is instigated by X, even with me being half way around the world. This happens like clockwork. So about a month back I was wondering if this sort of thing was common. It turns out it is. There is this thing called Drama Addiction. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/what-recovery/60777-drama-addiction.html
Now, I normally don’t respond to these sorts of instigations from X as any response I make usually makes the issue 10 times worse. Even by writing about this, like this, Im sure there are going to attempts at repercussions from her. But still I felt like I should write about this as yet another warning to others out there, if you are thinking about getting a divorce…please consider any alternative. Its just too painful and too devastating. This drama thing, its almost as if the tinder is being gathered by X with plenty of lighter fluid dousing the wood, but I need to provide the spark and then it become an inferno. As she’s reading this Im sure she’s blowing up right now. But why does she read this? We’re divorced, she shouldn’t care about me anymore and what I think. Now reading this email from her hurt as I dwelt on it, because I still care about her and the children and in certain ways will always care about her. The Bible says pray for those who persecute you. So because of that, I pray for her and her husband more than anyone else in the world. It was hard at first, but it has become easier almost routine now. Its hard to resent, dislike, or hate a person if you are praying for them regularly. The point I want to get across is that I did not want this divorce. I fought with everything in me to save the marriage. I prayed and prayed and prayed. But for some reason God chose not to answer my fervent prayers, but instead he gave me the strength to be able to handle his answer. So x sought and got the divorce, and got the children, and got remarried, and started a new life…so where does all the hate come from? Divorce is a big lie. You think you’ll be happy once you get to the other side, but I don’t believe that to be true. Now God is a God of incredible grace and he forgives all our sins if we confess and acknowledge those sins. But there are consequences to our sin. God has forgiven me for my pornography addiction, but perhaps losing my marriage was a consequence of that sin. Some people think that pornography (If a man looks on a woman with lust in his heart, he has committed adultery) is grounds for divorce while others do not. That isn’t up to me decide/judge anymore. But God has given me extreme grace like Im sure he has given X and anyone who seeks him for it. So God has blessed me with an amazing career, amazing children, good friends, and a bright future. Pretty much all my dreams are coming true with the exception of having a family again. Im lonely and long to have someone in my life to love again. I know it will happen in God’s timing. Certain days I feel strong, and certain days, like when I read this email, not so much. Not because its from X has hurt me, because I try not to let her hurt me anymore. Im bothered because of the vitriol in this letter. She has this attitude and plays such an influential role in the lives of my children while I do not. That really sucks.
So please take this particular blog entry for what I intended it to be. It’s not a bash X session, instead its warning to the extreme consequences of divorce. As justified as I am in my mind that Im right, X is as equally justified that she’s right, only God will be the judge. Unless there is abuse or repeated unrepentant infidelity, there are no excuses for divorce. So if you’re married please take the time hug your spouse, tell them how special they are and how much they mean to you. The alternatives, simply aren’t worth it.
1 comment:
Ah, once again, YOU missed the point of the emails I sent you. (And, once again, rather than responding to me in email, you choose to respond via your blog rather than to me). I told you last month, if you misrepresent me in the blog, I will respond to clarify. So here I go.
The reason I sent you an email was because I received another medical statement for Lindsey's medical care. It was not to instigate conflict. It was to inform you of what I received (my legal responsibility), and your portion. Again, your response is where the drama tends to begin. I find it interesting you didn't post my original email, which was just the medical statement info and readdressing the pattern of late payments with medical reimbursements and child support. If your renters payments were always 2 weeks late, would you decide to skip that payment and consider all future payments two weeks early? I doubt it. I am bringing it to your attention, because I am tired of you ignoring how the decree has laid out the way things are supposed to work. You don't follow it in regards to child support, income notification, visitation, or behavior injunctions. I am tired of letting you get away with it because it's not worth dealing with you. You are accountable not only to me and the children for 100% compliance, but to the courts as well--you can make the molehills that turn into mountains ago away if you would just do what you are supposed to do--then I would have nothing to complain about, would I?
In reality, my anger towards you presently isn't as much about the payments and non-compliance, as it is how you have not done ANY follow up with Lindsey about her medical situation. (You even questioned the legitimacy of the bill because you have not looked into what's going on). I have let you know about doctor visits, follow up visits, medication RX,, etc., and in 5 weeks time you have not inquired about her diagnosis, recovery, sent her a get well email, an ecard, a phone call just for her to see how she was, and of the 3 children, she was THE ONLY ONE to call you and wish you a happy birthday, which you did not even acknowledge. How can you say the chasm in your relationship with her bothers you when you do NOTHING to let her know you are curious or even care about what she is going through? I can promise you, if she gets an email, card, or call from you after this post, I will let her know that it was only because I said something--not because you did it on your own. You may be bothered by the "vitriol" in my email to you, because you think this attitude plays such an influential role in the lives of the children...the reality is, when you only call once every 2 weeks, and on those calls don't listen to them; when 80% of the emails you send them are links to articles/videos about yourself, when you are more interested in telling them all about yourself, your life in Bahrain, your accomplishments and adventures, YOU are the one that forms the belief system that you care more about yourself than you do them. I don't have to say a word to them, but I will to you when you don't do what you are supposed to do.
"X"
Post a Comment