It was an interesting day. I need to learn to temper my highs and lows. I heard a sermon by T.D. Jakes once. He was exhorting to not let your highs get too high nor let your lows get too low. When you get on a high, take some of that emotion deposit it into a bank account and then make a withdrawal when your lows come. I think its all about even keel. I haven’t learned the art of that dance yet. I still go through a bit of extrmes. I swear Im not bi-polar, I don’t think. I was thinking about Christmas trying to make it just another day. I have no decorations up in my house. And other than sending gifts to my kids, really haven’t done that much.
So I get in my car to go to lunch. Not really feeling sad, until I turn on the radio. John Lennon’s “Happy Christmas” song was playing. I just started crying for some reason. I had to pull off to the side of the road. Now here is the weird part. I wasn’t really sure why I was crying. Im not sure if it was a happy “God is so faithful cry” or a “I miss my family” cry. Either way… it felt a little strange. I did have a talk with my daughter again. We’ve talked twice this week. Nothing really major, just and exchange of information. Even though it was basic enough, it still made my day. I do love that girl so, even though our relationship is so different. Everyone tells me…the children will come back eventually. You just have to love them…which I do…unconditionally.
My Christmas party got cancelled tonight…so it looks like its only four parties in five days. I could have gone to a club tonight, but I decided to stay home, embrace my loneliness…or should I say alone time. I try not be lonely. I just have to focus on the positive. My kids might not be with me…but they are healthy and whole. That is a blessing right there. I know God has a plan for this odyssey, that I’m on…I just have to keep the faith.
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