Doubt

Doubt, I’ve really been struggling with this lately. I don’t have all the answers. It’s frustrating, as soon as think I have life figured out, something happens. One thing that stays the same, that stays constant, is God. It is I who moves back and forth. I think its seasonal to question your faith periodically and also very human. Its also one of the prime attacks of the enemy. After all its very human to be imperfect. I look back in Biblical history. The serpent tempted Eve with doubt. Using what she already knew and then twisting it around. Then you look at the children of Israel who witnessed first hand miracle after miracle, yet still they doubted. The Bible is full of illustrations of people questioning their faith. Peter when he denied Christ those three times after being by his side for countless works of wonder. I guess to turn in introspectively, I have seen God do marvelous works in my own life. I’ve listed so many of them here in this blog. But this morning, I doubted. When I woke up to the news that the Phillies lost, that really shook me. Not because Im a Phillies fan and not because I was rooting for the Giants to lose. Instead, I was rocked because I was certain I heard God tell me amongst other things that the Phillies would win the World Series. Boy was I wrong. I put it out there as a sign of faith. That I heard from God. Maybe I let my flesh and pride get in the way because God had told me about so many other things that have come to pass. I was pretty certain that this one would come about as well.

So what does this mean? Well God is still on the throne and He is still faithful. I just might have misinterpreted the details. I have been prone to do that. But because God has come through with so many other things that he has spoken into my life, just because I missed one, doesn’t mean that all the other ones are invalid. But that is where the enemy springs to life…to cause doubt. If he can get you to second guess your faith he has you wavering, that’s when he can go in for the turn. He comes to lie steal and destroy. Often times the lie will be rooted in truth only twisted just a tiny bit. Sometimes that bit is so tiny, its undetectable unless you carefully examine it. When He tempted Christ in the Garden, he even quoted scripture. But Jesus was able to see through the manipulation of the truth. It’s been a really difficult couple of weeks for me. There is no doubt in my mind that Im under some sort of attack. Because as many good things that have been happening, it seems that more stuff is stirred up to distract. I must be nearing a breakthrough. Remember, if you don’t bother the enemy, he won’t bother you. So what about the Bold Phillies prediction. I thought it was God. But that voice also told me not to go to Vegas. So the second part could have been God. That’s the tricky thing with hearing and recognizing God’s voice. It takes practice, a lot of it. That voice is either 1. God, 2. Yourself, 3. The Enemy. Usually when God speaks (especially when its important) He’ll confirm it through scripture and/or 2 or more different witnesses. Well I didn’t get it confirmed, although it easily could have been if I had asked people in Philadelphia. But my friends in the SF/Bay Area would have considered it abhorrent. So I guess it was my voice then, or perhaps the voice of the enemy. Remember the enemy is the angel of light so he can look, mimic, and sound like God. Whatever the purpose or mode, I feel like I failed. Next time, I’ll have to be more diligent in seeking out the truth. I guess this hearing from God thing is going to take a lot more practice.

But I want to reiterate for my own sake really, that because I was wrong, does not invalidate God nor him speaking into my life or other people’s lives. I’ve been wrong about a couple things. I was convinced that I heard God when he said over and over again that I’d be reconciled with my family. I think then, I got my own desires to act as a filter which skewed me from objectively hearing God’s still small voice. I so wanted it to be true that I couldn’t really hear anything else. There have been other circumstances where I’ve gotten details of the “word” wrong. But each and every time even though I was wrong, God has shown himself through Romans 8:28 “All things work together for good.” I lost one family, and I have a dream wife and an opportunity for a new family now. God is magnificent at redirecting our Spiritual GPS even if we make a mistake or wrong turn along the way.

So, Im going to continue to seek God. Because he is faithful. I think that is why a prayer journal is important. Because in these times of doubt all you have to do is look back and re-read the journal of the countless times where God has been faithful to you. In a sense, this blog is my personal prayer journal. I just have to look back a few months and see God’s faithfulness over and over.

I’m glad I didn’t go to Vegas.