Three days in Florida

I’m going through a lot of strange emotions right now. I haven’t posted in the blog in a couple of days, because I’ve been on vacation, its nice to take a break. But if you read between the lines the blog still has been generating a lot of activity via all the comments. I think it would be a lot easier if X and new hubby just stopped reading the blog. I just don’t see why they do write this. Its not as if any of their new friends read this. And for the most part very few people know who they actually are. Its seems like they would have more important things to do with their time rather than seek outlets to express bitterness, rage, sarcasm and hate. Life is too short for that. Im not writing this for them or any specific person in particular (although it does save me several phone calls and guilt trips from my mother as she keeps tabs on me this way.) This an introspective look at one man as he traverses the emotional pitfalls of divorce, recovery and rebirth. There aren’t a lot of books or literature written about divorce as opposed to weight loss or celebrities. So I feel compelled to to share one side of the story. Its just interesting, that I didn’t seek out my divorce nor give my spouse a biblical reason (debatable of course) to divorce me, instead I tried to do everything within me to save it. Yet I don’t consider myself to be that bitter. Im saddened by the loss of the relationship that I with my children, that continuously hurts. The loss of my family as I had known it is certainly the hardest thing I’ve had to endure. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Perhaps that is why I fee compelled to write to share my own pain so others might learn and hopefully avoid it. As I travel through this recovery process I think its important to note that Im not happy about my situation. But what is happiness really? Its an emotion that is fleeting like a smile or a water vapor. That’s why Dr. Laura never really concerns herself with feelings because they are so temporal depending on set of circumstances that rapidly change and then fade away. I think Americans have it a little wrong as they have an inherent right to be happy. The founding fathers, set up life, liberty, and the right to pursue happiness, not to be happy but to pursue it. Americans have a tendency that if they aren’t happy, they take a quick fix and try to find shortcuts to happiness. I think what I’ve learned that there are more important things in life than being happy, righteousness for example. Given the choice of happiness and righteousness I would choose righteousness. This isn’t to imply that Im not happy at certain times in my life. In fact, Im happy most of the time, but that is not what defines my goals in life. Instead by striving for righteousness a byproduct that is created is peace. And even though I’ve had a lifetime of turmoil concentrated into a space of three years I’ve maintained that quest for righteousness and thus had my peace for the most part through that time. I think that example is what God is using me for through my life and through this blog. Its important to have inner peace in life and not merely happiness. Now happiness and joy are often a byproduct of peace. I’ve learned firsthand that its possible to be joyful and not happy. As my world was falling apart according to the natural I still maintained my peace. That is a weird weird feeling. Its like having an emotional forcefield around you. I remember that during the worst times, people would ask me how I’d be doing. I would respond, it doesn’t make any sense, but Im having a really good day. I should be having a horrible day, but for some reason, Im having a great day. That is God’s protection in action. That no matter what your circumstances, you can still maintain your joy. Having joy is not dependent on outside circumstance but being happy is. In a sense if you are living your life with God’s guidance, you can absolutely control your peace and joy, whereas you can’t control your happiness. A lot of people strive to control their own lives and destiny, but very few choose to do it the way God had intended.

The reason why I haven’t written because I was spending a very nice couple of days with Ms. Florida. I decided not to bemoan the fact that X was making it difficult to see the kids. Rather than mope for three days I decided to be proactive and meet a new friend face to face. It was a very nice trip. Its strange as Im dating now. The emotional element plays a part but not as much as it played when I first got married. Maybe that was because I was too young. When I first got married…Love could conquer all…it didn’t matter about anything else. Now that Im older and wiser, I realize that love plays a factor but spiritual compatibility, demographics, baggage, kids, history, personality etc… all play an increasingly bigger role. So in a sense its more of an interview than dating. Man does that sound unromantic, because it absolutely is. But Im a very romantic guy, that’s why its weird to put it out there. I think most divorced people would agree with me on this. Im also in a different situation right now personally by choice. Im not really interested in dating to find a potential girlfriend. Ive had several opportunities to have girlfriends. Instead Im dating to find a potential wife. If that potential isn’t there from the outset, its really difficult for me to continue to see that person on a romantic basis. It just seems insincere. That said…I really had a nice time with Ms. Florida and it will be interesting to see how/if this develops. I understand that being with me has its own set of challenges (as Im sure a few would attest to…lol). I have baggage and I have drama. It would take someone pretty resilient to not only enter the emotional situation but my present living situation as well. My present location of the Middle East has to be daunting. Im called to be there and because of that, Im having a great time and a wonderful adventure. To someone not called to that lifestyle Im sure it would be incredibly intimidating. God has spoken to me again and again and again. That he has my emotional life and my potential future spouse already in the works for me. He has come through with everything that He told me thus far, Im sure he’ll follow through with that as well. There’s a lot of peace generated with that knowledge knowing I don’t have to worry about it. The happiness is out there…whether or not I get doesn’t really matter to me right now. I choose peace and joy.