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Doing what I want, when I want, albeit reluctantly

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  I had a different yet totally fulfilling day. I was tempted to feel guilty for doing whatever I want but that is the position in which I find myself.  I spent most of my adult life trying to figure out what to do for the best of the group/unit and then trying to make the best of it.  Now I find myself just needing to be concerned with one.  I wish it were different.  I’m starting to embrace my new identity of being single albeit reluctantly single.  I should say in my singleness I’m leaning into my faith in God like never before.  While I’m alone I’m increasingly less lonely.  While I do miss the companionship of a spouse and the presence of my kids I’m learning to be at peace at all times.  The hard part for me in being alone is that I will always believe it is best for the children to be reared in a two parent home with their mom and dad.  So I find myself with guilt in not being able to provide that stable foundation for my own chil...
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Don't just do something, Stand There.

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  Certain days I’m confident and full of hope.  Other days I’m not.  I really have no idea what my life will look like in five years.  I can see a number of different scenarios playing out.  Sometimes this uncertainty drives me bananas.  I don’t like being out of control.  Yet at this moment the only thing I can control is how I respond to things I can’t control.  Sound confusing?  Welcome to my life.  I do know this.  My hope is not in anyone or any job.  My hope is solely in the Lord at this moment. Now if I would have had this mindset all along I could have saved myself a lot grief and heartache.  It’s a shame that I had to lose everything nearly hitting rock bottom emotionally and psychologically for me to resolidify my spiritual walk. My spiritual walk goes in stages similar to the cycles where the children of Israel went through when they were wandering around in the desert.     I’m happy that God finally g...
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A Dentist Appointment leading to a great day.

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  Going to the dentist just made my day great. I know that seems a bit weird but hear me out.  My wife called me earlier today to ask if I could take our oldest to a Dentist appointment.  I quickly agreed.  I had been planning on going to the gym but this certainly took priority. I was due for a rest day anyway.    This was an excuse/bonus to see my daughter again.  I am starting to appreciate all the little things I either took for granted or discounted before.  I know I should have cherished this time before but life and complacency got in the way.  Now each moment I get to spend with my kids is a blessing because of the disparity of visitation.   I don’t want to lose this point of view again. It’s kind of like when you are enjoying a bowlful of popcorn or candy. Once you get to the last few remaining pieces you start to savor them more instead of just shoveling them in your mouth.  Why is that?   I think because you know the...
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Living out Plot Point 2 in real time

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  I feel like I’m on an emotional pendulum.  Today was a good day.  I had hope.  It was totally opposite of yesterday.  I think that I might not be stable with all the swings going back and forth with my psyche.  The good thing is that I’m internalizing this.  The only place I’m sharing my feelings is through this forum and with my therapists. Yes that is plural. I’m reaching out to many people wiser than me as I navigate the treacherous waters of despair, hope and joy.    I’m writing this blog for a couple of reasons.  1. Most importantly it’s good therapy for me.  I enjoy being able to write and be creative.  This gives me the most fulfillment.  That is why I wanted to become a writer in the first place. Other than my family and my faith, the greatest joy I I get in life is inspiring others through my creativity.    Yet it is so difficult to make a living as an artist thus I’m a teacher as my day job and I...
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Today sucked but God is control

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 I'm in a really weird position right now.  I'm so disheartened and so discouraged, yet I still have Peace.  How is that even possible?  Hope really isn't there but peace is. Joy isn'r really there either but peace is.   I know that whether I have a good day or a bad day eventually those feelings will end and God will remain faithful.  I don't see how people walk through trials like this without a savior.  I know I couldn't do it.  Right now, I'm just operating on emotional fumes knowing that this feeling in the pit of my stomach is temporary.  God is faithful even though I might not feel it at this precise moment.  Those feeling of Joy will return.  Right now I'm just leaning into the promises of God.  Tomorrow the rest of this week, this month, this year will be better.  
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A fabulous weekend and a bittersweet moment at the end.

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  I had such a wonderful time with my girls this past weekend.  It’s been a few days since I blogged because I was trying to keep my focus and every minute of my day on them. I don’t have them as much as i’d like so each moment with them is precious.   We didn’t really do anything either.  I think we just enjoyed each other’s company.  I always have a bit of a downer whenever they go back home but this is a little different.  This is my new reality.  I just have to learn to accept it.  There is nothing I can do to fix this situation.  The only thing I can do is make it worse.  I’ve been taking the necessary steps in self-development and discovery to ensure that backwards steps don’t happen.  I am blessed with three remarkable girls that each are absolutely unique.  It’s pretty amazing how ideal they all are.  I am so very proud of them.  What sucks about this whole situation is that they are the victims in this (as al...
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A Thanksgiving Guest

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  Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I wasn’t really looking forward to the holidays.  In fact I was kind of dreading it.  I’m not a big fan of winter, especially this year.  Winter to me always symbolized cold and death.  I know that’s pretty dark.  Even in the old days for the cold days, I used to be able to look forward to cuddling up on the couch in front of the fire staying warm.  The cold symbolized an excuse to get cozy with a loved one in a romantic sense. That was the main thing I liked about the winter holidays.  That option is off the table for me right now.  Right now the cold is a reminder to me that I’m alone.  That said, I’m walking through this season with hope and faith that God has a plan.  My hope is in the Lord.   I’ve had a really nice couple of days.  I feel hope again.  Not that anything changed but I know that life has good things to offer.  My youngest son from my first marriage came to sp...
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