I feel that life is a little bittersweet right now. I still feel like Im top of the world personally. I have a beautiful wife who really is more than I ever could ask for, my professional dreams are coming true right before my very eyes, Im living in probably one of the coolest places on the planet, I have loads of friends, Im influencing people for Christ both through this blog and in my life, my parents are proud of me, Im more physically fit now than in awhile, the future looks great, and most importantly my intimacy with God is stronger than it ever was. So where does the bittersweet part come in, with the loss of divorce. I have blogged about this in the past. And just this week I was reminded again about the positivity of me talking about it. A person who shall remain nameless wrote to me thanking me for cautioning about the ills of divorce. Because I articulated my pain, this person decided to stick with their marriage, even though it was difficult and today she is doing fine. Its examples like that, that give me hope. Maybe my ministry isn’t just walking around the arabs, maybe its online as well. I always feel the Holy Spirit flowing through me as I write. I feel inspired. That is why, when I stumble and sin, its brutally difficult for me to write anything. That was so neat about writing the blog yesterday about the Names of God. I knew people would disagree with me, maybe some people think Im off my rocker now. But that is OK. I will write what I feel compelled that the Holy Spirit is telling me to write. I’ve been following that still small voice for years now, and it has not led me astray not even once. There have been several times I have ranted on this blog, then at the last minute deleted everything. As a writer that is difficult to do.
Im feeling it a little this week. Even though I’m living the life. I get up when I want. My maid asks me every day what I want to eat, and she makes it. I take swims either in the pool or in the gulf. Im living the dream life really, but if I have no one to share it with, what does it matter? Mark 8:36 “What does it profit a man if gains the whole world but loses his soul.” I don’t think Im losing my soul by any means, but I don’t have anyone physically to share it with at this precise moment. Im crazy in love with my wife and that is giving me the emotional fuel to keep going. But after living with her as man and wife for two months, I felt a little like what God has designed marriage to be. It wasn’t heaven, but it was certainly on the same direction as heaven. I think that God is compensating me for my faithfulness with all this external blessing. If anything, faithful readers of this blog will see in a tangible way the reaping and sowing principal of God’s blessings. I know that once Jennifer gets here, it will indeed be heaven on earth for me. But I have to wait just a few more months for that dream to be a reality. In the meantime we both have a lot of work to do, and Im trying to focus all of my solitude on God. Isn’t it strange how when God wants to get our attention he eliminates distraction. Not that Jennifer was a distraction, but it was just hard getting into a spiritual routine with her. I did pray for her every morning and night but we weren’t able to get into a devotional routine. I wasn’t that disciplined with my own spiritual walk either. Too many distractions/excuses for me. Not that I was walking away from God. But it was more like walking parallel with God not walking towards him as direct as I should have been.
Im leaving a little bit out here, but Im just feeling the pains and ramifications of divorce and loss. It hurts and it always will. Im fortunate that God has blessed me with a wonderful loving wife, who’s not perfect, just perfect for me. Still I miss my kids. I love them. I just have to wait and be patient and someday my relationship will be restored. In the meantime God is protecting me emotionally. I don’t know how I would have survived without God.
I think Im a little reflective because I just saw Wall Street and a Im not giving anything away by saying part of the movie revolved around the subplot between Gordon Gecko and his estranged daughter. It just reminded me of everything.
My life is filled with solitude for the time being. I found a church or Jennifer found a church. She can find anything even though she’s a half world away. I need interaction with people. I need friends. Im not meaning to throw myself a pity party. But when Im alone, the pain of not having those three special children around really hurts. I again have to trust God that even this great loss is all apart of his perfect plan for me life. I’m very fortunate about that.
No comments:
Post a Comment