Tears in the Fat Burger

I felt very silly sitting in a Fat Burger restaurant with tears streaming down my face. This is not your everyday experience so let me explain. I am a creature of habit so I have a routine I follow. I am alone for another 2.5 months so I’m going to continue to follow this routine as I have been generally for the past three years since I came to the Middle East. For breakfast I spend time with God, reading my Bible then praying/listening to Him. For lunch I spend time with whatever reality show Im addicted to at the moment (either Amazing Race or Survivor). I can buy the past seasons on itunes for about $20. So I don’t have to wait week by week to see the cliff hanger. I usually watch one episode after the other (Yeah, Immediate Gratification!). So this particular episode of Survivor aired in the US sometime early December. It usually makes me cry but even moreso this year. It’s the episode they always do where the remaining survivors are reunited with their loved ones. Its always an emotional experience. These people shed crocodile tears after being away from their family for 5 weeks. 5 weeks? But still it’s a nice moment that always gets me. What really got me was the affection this particular grown son showed his father (Dan). I was so moved by that because that is something that I do not have at the moment and I have been praying for.

It really hurts because I can no longer speak to my children unless I force the issue through the court system. In fact I haven’t spoken with my children since last Sept. They will neither take nor return my calls or emails. I still love my children and long for the day we can have a normal relationship. Some might say, It’s my choice because I chose to live half-way around the world in the Middle East. They might be partially correct. But I simply have to look at my dear friend Reji. Reji is from Kerala, India and he gets to see his family once or twice a year. Yet his relationship with his children/family is very strong. He chats with them almost daily via webcam. They love their dad. There are countless other stories out there like Reji’s. Globally, having an intact family is more of an exception than the rule.

I have been fortunate enough to be able to afford to fly back to the states 2-3 times a year to see my children. But even that had become increasingly difficult. My ex-wife hid them from me twice in a row in 2010 upon my return to the US. Finally I had to take her to court and the judge saw right through her shenanigans. She will justify that the kids don’t want to see me. She would be right, they don’t. While I visited my kids the last two times, their bodies were there but their minds were not. This is because of the continuing Parental Alienation that the kids are subject to. If one of them were to mention that they missed their dad or want to visit they would be emotionally shunned in their own home. So their behavior is both an influenced choice and emotional survival mechanism. One of my boys mentioned during our visit that they were afraid to have too much fun otherwise they’d get in trouble when they got home.

I’ve mentioned this several times in my blog before but it bears repeating. Alienated kids take on the feelings and advocacy of the alienating parent. The children defend the alienating parent and argue that their thoughts are their own and not influenced by anyone else. My particular case of alienation is really text book. When hate and bitterness are modeled on a daily basis innocent children soon adhere to this poisoning. I think Divorce is the most selfish act anyone can commit other than maybe murder. To take it further, alienating innocent children takes that selfishness exponentially further. I grew up watching Disney Fairy Tales, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White etc... There was always a wicked witch or other character as the evil antagonist. I always thought those figures were fictional, not representative of real life. Oh how wrong I was. Those types of characters are real. The Bible has harsh words of judgment for those types of people. Luke 17:2 It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.

Most often, the alienating parent justifies in their own mind that they are doing this to “protect the child.” But lying to themselves comes easy as they are lying to their other friends and family members. What I have yet to understand, do they actually believe their own lies or are they absolutely delusional. If so, I think that is some sort of mental illness. I just don’t see how they can live withthemselves.

Now I love my children dearly and miss them like crazy. What are my options? Really my only legal option is to go back to court. Unfortunately that puts the children in the middle. Divorce is like one parent grabbing the right wrist of the child and the other grabbing the left. Will a particular parent win? With a strong enough grip and pull, yes. But what about the harm that comes to the child caught in the psychological tug of war. My coming to the Middle East was my way of letting go of the wrist so the child would not be harmed. Yet even though I let go my ex is continuing to damage the children as if were hanging on to the wrist. Why? I don’t know. There are many things I don’t know. One of them being why she is reading this blog right now. So what can I do? Really the only thing I can do is pray. My case is not that uncommon. I think in most divorces you will find certain levels of alienation that occur. But for most every divorced person I spoke with, my case seems to be in the upper extremes.

I know that I will have a relationship with my children one day as they mature and see the truth and recognize the character of each of their parents. Buts its days like today when I get impatient. I don’t want to have to wait 10 years for that reconciliation to occur. I know it will…that’s what I have to keep telling myself. Now God is giving me the strength to endure. I don’t know where I’d be without my beautiful and supportive wife and loving family. “Vengeance is mine says the Lord.” I can’t get involved too much with wanting Justice…that’s up to God. I believe in Karma/reaping and sowing, what comes around always goes around. I think that is a universal truth no matter what religion you follow. Im just glad the millstone is not around my neck.

Forgiveness is a process. Sometimes I have to forgive my former spouse multiple times a day. Today is one of those days. I know this blog is quite inflammatory at times. But I also know that it ministers to others out there as many of you have let me know that it does. So I pray that it ministers/admonishes you. If you are separated from your children like I am, I would like to hear about it. If not, thank God for your blessings and pray for those of us that are struggling with this horrific affliction.