I am doing this exercise with my men’s group at church. The purpose behind it is to take an honest
valuation of who you are right at this very moment. It is so hard to be self-aware sometimes
especially if we don’t like some of the things we see in the mirror. So many of us live in denial. It might not be full denial but partial. We can all justify our actions. I remember watching an old Maury Povich show
where they were interviewing a murderer.
The killer admits that he murdered the guy. But it wasn’t the murderer’s fault you see,
at least in his mind. The victim
shouldn’t have been standing on the corner that day. So in the murderer’s mind it was the other’s
guy’s fault for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. We all justify our actions. That is why it
says in Proverbs that “A man’s ways is right in his own eyes, but God weighs
the heart.” We can put on a full mask or
partial and we can present a character of ourselves to our family, friends,
associates, co-workers. Sometimes that
mask is absolutely genuine, other times we cover up parts of ourselves that we
want to remain private. We can lie
subtly to others and eventually we may start even believing the lies ourselves
altering our own perceptions of reality.
It is revisionist personal history that leads to denial, which leads to
delusion. The further along we go along
that treacherous path the more we lose focus of reality. Its so easy to justify everything in our
lives. I think I try to take the
opposite road of this. Do you have five
minutes? I’ll tell you everything that
is wrong with me. Not literally, but I
try to be very forthright as it is part of my testimony. Even I from time to time keep things
hidden. But the good part is, nothing is
hidden from my wife. I am completely
candid with her. Plus Im the world’s
worst liar. Even if I wanted to cover
something up, I’d be found out eventually.
For me its just easier to get it out into the open the first time.
So this exercise Im doing is pretty exhaustive. Where have I been? Where am I now, Where will
I be? How will I get there? Since I try
to live my life as an open book, I thought I would post these as I complete
them. For those of you that know me,
many of this will be a rehash of what you already know. Still there may be a surfer or two out there
that stumbles upon this that may gain a bit of inspiration. Wherever you may come from, I appreciate you
reading this.
Where have I been?
Accurate insight into my Christian beliefs and my personal walk with
God can best be found with my testimony.
For a quick synopsis one would only need to look at the book of
JOB: A faithful man that had everything,
lost everything and was blessed again with a second chance.
I was fortunate to grow up in a God fearing home. My parents made sure I never missed a Sunday
day or evening service. I was actively involved in all facets of the
church. Giving my heart to the Lord at
such a young age, I never really questioned my Christian walk; it was always a
natural part of my being. I studied the
Bible and went to a Christian school and eventually a Christian college and
Post-graduate school. I was deeply
versed in the faith. I got married while
I was still in Graduate school to a fellow believer. After that we both moved to Hollywood as I
embarked upon beginning my career and my family. While in Los Angeles I never strayed from my
faith, yet I was not as fervent as I could have been. The nearly 10 years I spent there were
sometimes dotted with small compromises that ultimately took their toll in the
long term. At this point, I had three
wonderful children and what I thought was a pretty good life. That’s when things took an unexpected turn. My then wife’s father died after a long
illness, and she relocated back to her hometown of Tulsa, OK. I was informed that if I wanted to save my
marriage I had to relocate. I left my
career and LA determined to save my family.
God restored the marriage. I
determined at that point to try to be the best husband and father that I could
be. After two years in Tulsa, we were
called as an entire family to missionaries in Taiwan, working for a Christian
production company. It was one of the
best years of my life serving the Lord and it had a tremendous positive impact
on our family. Yet SARS hit and my then wife
felt like it was prudent to leave. I
didn’t want to leave but she was pretty insistent. We both later agreed for the sake of my
health it was best to leave since I’m a diabetic and have a history of upper
respiratory illness’. After two years
living in Northern California working for a church, I felt the same call to go
back as a missionary this time to Saudi Arabia.
I didn’t want to go and leave my family, but God’s call was unmistakable
and undeniable. I have learned to trust
Him implicitly. I didn’t want to go and leave my precious family but every door
closed but one. As a family we decided that I would go alone
at first and once I deemed it safe, I would bring the family over. The plan was working fine at first as I found
that God used me and blessed me in amazing ways while I was over in Saudi. However, by the time I determined it was
safe; my then wife had a big change of heart.
She decided she no longer wanted to be married to me and used the year
apart as a preparation for separation and ultimately divorce. Once I discovered the other lifestyle that
she had been living I was on the next flight back to the US, leaving Saudi
Arabia in less than 24 hours. Once I got
back, I didn’t recognize the person that I had known for the last 20 years.
There was another person behind those eyes.
I tried fervently to save my
marriage, but it was too late. The next
three years were brutal as my worst fears with the disintegration of my family
were realized. But even as Hell was thrust
down upon me from all sides, I had an amazing peace as I knew that Lord was
with me even in my darkest hours. I was
living this amazing dichotomy. My
feelings told me I was so unhappy and so miserable, yet at the same time I had
this indescribable peace and joy. Those
of you that have been through Hell and walked with God know this peace that
passes all understanding that I’m talking about. It doesn’t make logical sense sometimes, it
just works. Feelings come and go like
the tide, but God remains the constant.
I was able to heal
and God had restored me. God used this
painful process to draw me closer to Him.
The day my ex-wife got remarried, I felt the supernatural release from
my marriage. It was then I stopped trying for reconciliation as God had brought
closure to that period of my life.
Shortly after that I got the opportunity to return to the Middle East as
a lay missionary this time to Bahrain. I
had just turned 40 and embarked on the next chapter of my life. God blessed me with an amazing experience as
I amongst other things started a Bible study that had regular Christians,
Atheists, Hindus, and Muslims attend.
God overflowed me with blessings, spiritually, physically,
professionally, financially, psychologically and finally emotionally. I have so
many vivid and wonderful memories of my time there. Most of all them are chronicled in the
archives of this blog. While in the Middle East, I was led to
correspond with this beautiful girl in North Carolina. It was literally love at first Skype. I was certain that she was the one that God
had for me. After an intense online
courtship we quickly married and it has literally been “Happily Ever After”
since that point. We now have a
beautiful seven month old baby daughter and life is pretty great again. Not too many people get a second chance at
life. I am relishing each new
moment. I am an extremely blessed
individual. I am thankful for my creator
having the grace and foresight of knowing exactly what I needed and when I
needed it.
As far as insight into my Christian beliefs, I grew up with the
doctrine of Assemblies of God. But in my
many international travels I have learned that the essential ingredients remain
1. Love God, 2. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. If you have those two tenets down, the rest
will come naturally.
