Who are you?

 I mentioned yesterday that I thought I was turning a corner.  Well today was better than yesterday so we are headed in the right direction.  I’m trying to be very brutally honest in this forum.  I do that as both an encouragement to others and to help call my shot when God will redeem me from the pit that I dug myself.  There is no doubt that this wallowing is a temporary space for me.  I am slowly feeling my optimism come back.  Why?  Did anything change?  No, just my perception has changed.  In seeking God whole-heartedly I’m starting to see my identity change.  What was so devastating for me this past year was losing my identity.  I so loved being a husband and a father, but suddenly when I wasn’t, who was I?  Did I have value, did I matter?  Was it always going to be this way?  

My entire life I’ve battled with my identity.  While I’m a life-long Christian, that hasn’t always been my primary identity.  It was most of the time, and those were my happiest moments.  When I was a kid I was a big sports fanatic.  When my teams (A’s, Raiders, Warriors) were doing good I felt good about myself.  When they weren’t I felt awful and discouraged.  As I’ve grown older I’ve realized that’s a lot of power to give something that you can’t control.  I think sports, entertainment, political causes, celebrity, wealth, relationships,  fill in the blank have become the modern day golden calf.  Many Bible readers think they would never worship a golden calf and the children of Israel must be so dumb to do it.  But anything that takes up more of your time or passion than God is an idol.  I’m so guilty of this, so please don’t think I’m preaching.  Fortunately I’ve grown out of my sole identity as being a sports fan.  The Raiders and A’s suck, and they’ve sucked for years.  Imagine if I still had my identity in them.  I’d have to be institutionalized.  Fortunately God assists sometimes in taking our Golden Calves away as long as we submit to Him.  We are still arm wrestling over Steph Curry and the Warriors but God will eventually win that one too.  I also root for Steph because He is a strong Christian and a family man so I do have ulterior motives for wanting him to be successful.  

So part of my problem is that my identity was wrapped up in being a husband and a father.  You wouldn’t think that is a bad thing until it was.  God is a jealous God, he won’t honor or tolerate second place.  So I lost my identity for the second time and it hurts.  But here’s what’s different the past couple of weeks.  I’m trying to find my identity not in being a single, lonely guy away from the ones he loves to being a Child of the King.  It’s not an instantaneous transition.  The process is being slow and methodical.  Like I posted yesterday, it’s not my timing.  I’ve quoted the verse, My ways are not your ways, “My plans are not your plans, for My ways are higher than your ways and My plans are higher than your plans.”-Isaiah 55: 8-9.  We can add something to that notion that His timing is not our timing.  I wish it was but alas we have to Wait upon the Lord.  The Bible is full of references of waiting on the Lord.  I’m not too good at that, so to get better….God is having me wait.  Ugh…..

When I left Hollywood it was pretty devastating.  My identity was wrapped up into being a TV producer and screenwriter.  When I left I felt like a failure.  I was a failed producer.  That hung heavy on me for a decade.  Then I became a successful lay missionary and international video producer, that felt very good too, until it wasn’t.  We already talked about the aforementioned identity as a husband/father.  Most recently I’ve come to embrace my identity as a teacher.  I’m actually a very good teacher.  But I need to keep my primary identity still as a Child of the King.  Secondarily I’m a father and a teacher, and a friend…in that order of priorities.  If I keep that list that makes me happy.  

I usually do a question of the day every day in my classes.  Instead of calling out attendance I ask a question of the day for attendance where every student has to stand in front of the class and answer.  I think most of them like this outlet.  Questions that are asked include: What’s your favorite food/movie/tv show/vacation spot/memory etc…It’s different each day.    Today’s question was meaty.  What is your purpose in Life?   I might get in trouble for this but I was willing to risk it.  I always answer first in order to model behavior.  I introduced myself and said my purpose in life is to Preach the Gospel of Christ always and like St. Francis of Assissi said, when necessary, use words.  I saw out of the corner of my eye one student let out a cheer the other a fist bump.  By taking that first step it allowed others the encouragement to also profess their faith which many of them did  Again this is a public school and I could get into trouble.  I figured if I could share my faith in Saudi Arabia where dissing Allah gets your head chopped off in the public square (literally)  on the weekend public execution days, professing it in North Carolina carries significantly less risk.  Because i was bold that led other people to be bold as well.  Teaching by example.  Now that my identity is back on straight, it’s easier to do.