Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood (F43.21)

 I was due for a bad day. Well it’s not really that bad, just less than ideal.  I had a great day followed by 3 really good days.  That’s four positive days in a row, a new 2025 record!.  Why were they good days?  (because I didn’t blog about it, you don’t know) I had my children for my visitation for the weekend and Teacher Work Day today.  Even just typing that brought a smile to my face.  Three things have been really helping me survive this pain and loneliness during this separation, 1. Prayer, 2. Working out 3. This blog.  There are some other things too but they pale in comparison.  So for the last three days I forewent #2 and #3 so I could completely focus and be present for my children.  Because I only get to see them about 13-15% of the month, I cherish the time that I do have with them.  I think they enjoy it too, especially the dog.  The dog travels with the girls so I get to see him too.  We didn’t do anything too spectacular this weekend, we just hung out. We love watching movies together and my youngest loves to cuddle every chance she can get. I’m more than happy to oblige.  She doesn’t truly understand the nuance of separating she just realizes that dad is living somewhere else at the moment and isn’t around as much.  She misses me and it absolutely breaks my heart.  So if she wants to cuddle watching movies, then it’s my favorite thing to do in the entire world right now. It was anyways even before the separation.  The other two are aging out of the cuddling phase which is perfectly natural.     It made me so happy to be with them.  There is that elusive “happy” word but it’s accurate.  I was just doing normal stuff with them like the playground, making meals, going out for free ice cream (Im presently obsessed with the Monopoly Go game at McD’s.  The obsession will be over soon.  But because of that I have a lot of free ice cream cones and my kids love McD’s ice cream.)  It was just magical.  It’s like I’ve been walking in a desert for weeks and their visits are like a fresh drink of cool water.  Now, I’m back to being parched for the next two weeks.  I might see them If I’m needed to drive the girls to/from practice.  I was reluctant at first to do that but now I jump at the opportunity if it presents itself.  I love to be needed and I do miss them so. 

Everytime now that I drop them off I fall into a deep depression.  The lingering sadness of the empty townhouse (It’s not a home, just a roof with walls) is palpable. My place is so quiet now.  It’s mess because of the little tornadoes that they are, but I don’t mind that.  It just is visual reminder that they were here.    So it was good timing that I went to see my therapist as soon as I dropped them off.  I am a big believer in therapy.  Proverbs says Wise is the Man that has many counselors.  So I’m seeing two therapists now plus all of you readers. If you want to throw your opinions/advice my way I’m more than interested in reading them.  I want to be a better person throughout all of this.  OK, back on track, apparently there is a clinical term for what I’m going through right now.  It is called: “post-visitation depression” or “post-visitation sadness” according to ChatGPT it means: Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood (F43.21) – The sadness and difficulty coping occur in response to the ongoing stressor of shared custody or divorce for noncustodial parents who feel a profound sense of loss when visitation ends.

Yep that’s me. (Full transparency because that is what I do) I think what is even harder about this Adjustment Disorder for me is that I still desperately love my wife, so I miss all four of them.  I feel powerless to change my situation.  The only thing I can do is pray like crazy and NOT revert back into old habits that created this mess of a situation in the first place.  So my prayer through all of this is healing.  

If you are reading this and are contemplating Separation/Divorce PLEASE DON’T! (unless you are in physical danger or other extenuating circumstances). Reach out to me privately, I’d love to chat with you.  Learn from my mistakes.   

What sucks about all of this is the children are innocent victims and they get hurt the most.  I saw the emotional devastation that my first divorce had on my kids and I’m doing everything I can to avoid that with this batch.  I’m kicking myself for repeating my mistakes and not learning from all of them.  But it’s in the past and I’m trying not to be defined by my past actions. (If anyone has a cheap DeLorean outfitted by Dr. Brown, I’d love to talk with you.)  But in the meantime I can’t beat myself up anymore.  It says in Revelations 12:10 that “the enemy is the accuser of the brethren.”  Guilt does not come from God, conviction yes, but never guilt.  So the guilt I’m feeling is stealing my Peace and Joy.  I have to protect that.  I reference Romans 8:28 nearly every day.  “All things work together for good for those who believe and are called according to His purpose.” Right now, I know I’m doing my part by believing and being called according to His purpose.  “I also don’t get out of bed (most mornings) without saying aloud “This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.”  Im trying to rejoice and be glad and some days are better than others.  How long will it take for “good” to come?  One week?, One Month, One Year, One Decade, One lifetime?  King David who is a man after God’s own heart asked God four different times (at least) for God to hurry up.  Some of the problems David encountered were his own doing and some were not (just like me).  The verse that resonated the most with me: Psalm 141:1 “Lord, I cry unto thee: make haste unto me; give ear unto my voice, when I cry unto thee.”

So I concur with that.  Make Haste God, not for my sake but for my precious children.  They don’t deserve this.  It’s my fault not theirs.