The Hope hit Mid-day

 The hope hit me mid-day. I was having a regular, decent morning.  I’m enjoying my work and not begrudging it.  There are a lot of aspects of it that are very fulfilling.  After lunch and mid-workout a surge of hope and positivity hit me.  This wave of hope came over me like a cool breeze on blistering sunny day.  I could get used to this surge of hope.  Hope gets me feeling positive.  Positivity helps aid in my faith and thus contributes greatly to my peace and joy.  I mentioned a couple of days ago that learning to embrace the “nothing” has been very therapeutic for me.  But this hope is surged by an external circumstance which is OK.  I get to see my girls tomorrow and I’m so excited.  I haven’t seen them in about two weeks other than the occasional quick hello when I’m dropping off a child.  Seeing them reminds me I’m not so alone.  It’s so wonderful to have something to look forward to.  They are a reminder to me that I still have a family even if the time isn’t what I am accustomed to have.  It’s a count your blessings thing.  I think they are just as excited to see me.  They do miss me in their own way, especially the little one.  I think because she is young it’s difficult to grasp the logic that her dad doesn’t live with her full time anymore.  That really breaks my heart.  

I’ve been really leaning into my praise and worship lately.  I have a rather unique praise and worship closet.  After my workout I go to this Total Body Enhancement thing at my gym.  It’s a little light booth that looks like a stand up tanning bed.  In it, they blast Red light (non-UV) light at you while you cool down with overhead fans while standing on a vibra shake platform.  I am not sure if it actually does any good or not yet.  They say it takes 5-6 months of weekly use to see a result.  Whether this red light therapy works or not is immaterial. The machine is very loud.  So I put in my airpods and blast worship music from Lakewood Church, Michael W. Smith, and Philips, Craig and Dean.  I’m not sure if anyone can hear me over the roar of the machine but even if they do, I don’t care.  This is my 12 minutes of intense worship as a post-workout treat.  I found myself leaving today will praising and worshipping away as I left.  There is something magical about worship.  I heard a preacher once say, Praise precedes the answer.  I hope that is true but even if it’s not it still puts me in a great mood.  It’s my way of showing thankfulness to God in advance both for his mercy and the fact that he is going to deliver me from this pain one way or another.  I’m so filled with hope right now.  I don’t know how it’s going to look, but I know that I’ll be ok after it’s all said and done.  I have a pretty good life still.   I just pray that my family will be ok as well as that is out of my direct control for the most part.  That is frustrating as I like to have some semblance of control.  But I think that is what is using this period for.  I have to be totally reliant on Him.  I really don’t have much of a choice but to be reliant on him.  The only alternative options will lead to denial and self-medication.  I’m in a very good spot right now.  Again I’m in this “good” spot at the moment knowing tomorrow I may be crashing again in the pit of despair.  But I know God will dig me out of that Pit as long as I do nothing but trust him.  That usually works.