Rick Beeman

  It’s been a really difficult week for me. Growing up in the church, I was taught from a young age that if you believe hard enough you can pray anything into existence.  Mountain into the sea? No problem, it just takes the faith of the mustard seed (which is tiny.)  Well I’ve been praying, praying praying for my situation to change.  I came to the realization that no matter how hard I pray or for how long, no matter how much faith I have, my situation might not change. That hurt and it hurt bad.   This slow realization (I’ve been in denial a lot, thinking my faith would pull me through) that my situation might not change hit me hard this week.  The emotional pain was palpable.  Despite my grief and my temporary darkness, I’m one of the happiest and most positive people you’ll ever meet.  At least I try to come across that way.  I feel like I haven’t been “me” for a year now.  There will be moments of levity but it’s been a struggle....

  I feel as if I’m on a roller coaster of emotion.  I had such a spectacular 3 days with my girls.  The thing is, because of the separation my time with them is limited.  So I’m learning to maximize every moment that I have.  I know I should have been doing this all along.    My focus is only on them so I don’t bother writing in the blog or exercising or doing anything else that I normally do when I am alone. Now that I’ve returned them I’m back to feeling alone again.  As high as my high for the past three days was, I’m trying to avoid the low of loneliness.  I know God is there for me and I’ll embrace Him but now I’m just feeling the raw emotion of loss.  It sucks.  So let me recount the good from this past weekend and hopefully that will lift my spirits.   I got the girls on Friday and we like to plan out the weekend’s meals. They like to eat healthy, something I don’t do as much as I should when I’m alone.   ...

  It’s been a tough week as I have documented.  So perhaps my busiest day of the week happened at a good time.  We did have a two hour delay to start because of the icy roads.  It was nice getting an extra bit of sleep in.  It was the first actual day of the semester.  I’m always nervous about the first day as I see how many knowledgeable crew/students I’ll have for our productions.  The good news is that I have two very good and adept editors for both my broadcasting classes.  This means I won’t have to do the extra work and can focus my efforts in other areas.  Plus it seems like the classes are all excited to be there.  I’m trying to establish the reputation as the “broadcast” kids are the cool kids.  It helps that I have several returning students.  They take the lead and help train and teach the new students.  It’s a better experience for them as they develop leadership skills and it’s less work for me.  Win-win....

  It’s been a rough couple of days for me. Nothing much has changed.  However, the grief seems to come in waves.  This time it was accompanied by sorrow.  I think the impending winter storm was a reminder to me that I’m on my own.  My core fear is the fear of abandonment (which I’ve learned from lots of therapy) and right now I’m feeling it.  I know that God has never will ever abandon me as he promised “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  (Hebrews 13:5 and a few other places).  So I’m relying on that promise to see me through this time.  I know this period of sorrow is temporary and I’m not over reacting to it.  Instead I’m trying to do something different.  Normally when we feel pain we want to fix it immediately or as soon as we can.  But this emotional/psychological pain is different.  I can’t fix it immediately.  I know I can’t fix my situation, I can only make it worse.  So I’m trying to do something ...

  It was another downer day. Nothing specific happened to make it such a day.  I think it’s just the process that I have to go through.  I’m learning as I’m trying not to over-react when I get in down and lonely moods.  The holidays are obviously a bit tough.   My girls are so excited for Christmas and I just can’t share in their excitement.  I don’t want to be a debbie downer around them so I’m forcing on a happy face.  It’s a fake it, till you make it kind of thing.  My eldest is really wanting a live Christmas tree which we’ve never had before.  So I’ll probably go and choose one with her.  I have zero Christmas decorations.  So everything will have to be from scratch this year.   So I made a conscious choice just to endure the down day.  I tried to do things that help my mood.  I went to see a Norwegian movie after school and had lunch. I just love watching foreign films.  The ones that come over and hit...

  I feel as if I am in a spiritual and psychological battle with an In his prime Mike Tyson. I’m trying to withstand the heavy blows. This morning I woke up with such a heaviness that was pretty inexplicable.  I make a habit of the first thing that comes out of my mouth (outloud) after the alarm bell rings is “This is the day the Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.”  Its a good way to start out the day.  Since I’m alone most of the time I just talk out loud to God like someone you are having a conversation with.  It’s not awkward when you are by yourself.  I’m also quite honest with Him.  Like God I don’t like this…or God I’m lonely…or God I need hope.  I also throw in a lot of praise and thanksgiving in order to balance it out.  Sometimes God answers in pretty cool ways, often times he does not.  That’s the time where there is one set of footprints in the sand. iykyk This morning on my commute into work I just felt th...