Good Night, Have Fun, Don't Die

 It hit me about half way through my day. It was around 1:00 I think.  I thought to myself, I’m having a pretty good day.  Now that revelation might seem commonplace in ordinary circumstances.  Yet circumstances for me have been anything but ordinary.  The roller coaster continues.  I am trying to temper myself though.  I remember a sermon I heard from TD Jakes several years back.  “Don’t let your highs get too high and don’t let your lows get too low.  When you’re experiencing a high, make a deposit in the bank.  That way when your lows return you can make a withdrawal to balance out.  Or it was something to that effect.  I really feel I’m being tested on that philosophy.  The lows were pretty darn low this past week as I realize the many prayers that I have prayed might not be answered in the way I desire the most.  That harsh reality hit me….Hard.  It felt like my hope and joy were sucked away like a vacuum in space.  Whoosh…they were gone.  I wandered around in a stupor for several days as if a big, thick wool blanket soaked in water was thrown on my back as I tried to have good posture and walk upright.  Now the revelation for me was trying to get comfortable with the wool blanket of despair.  I didn’t try to struggle to get it off, instead I tried to adapt to it.  If this is my new reality I have to become accustomed to it.  I might not prefer it, but I must get comfortable before I start to thrive.  Continuing the metaphor, the Sun Rose.  Eventually the wet, wool blanket eventually dried off making it easier to discard.  That is what today was all about.  

Nothing really happened in my life to turn my despair to a good day and then my good day into a great day.  It was just a gradual shift in attitude.  What I’m finding I’m doing lately is singing a LOT of praise and worship songs.  I sing these not only when I’m in my house, but everywhere I go, in the car, in the hallways and school and in McDonalds.  Now I’m not belting it out by standing on a table with my arms outstretched.  Instead my continual praise is in my heart sung softly and reverently under my breath.  There are a couple verses in Psalms which I’m trying to emulate.  

Psalm 71:8 (KJV):

“Let my mouth be filled with thy praise and with thy honour all the day.”

Psalm 34:1 (KJV)

“I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.”

This seems to be really working.  I know I can’t fix my situation.  Instead I can “Seek the Lord with all my heart and ALL things will be added unto you.”  So I really am trying to be proactive in going after my faith, trusting that God will see me out of this.  God is faithful.  My prayer is that if you readers or anyone in my life really, can see it in me, it will encourage you to also Seek Him First.  

Things were/are going really smoothly at school.  With a new semester upon us, I was a bit worried about getting/training a new crew.  I was quite reliant on the old group.  Yet I have so many students that are sharing my passion in media.  The returning students are helping train the younger ones.  The younger ones are showing great initiative to learn.  I think I’ve established a pretty good culture where being in the broadcasting department is the “cool” thing to do.  So work is going smoothly.  After work, I had a long workout with a gym opening right near my house.  Afterwards I had a quick nap (because I could), ate a healthy dinner (a rarity) and even wrote in the second draft of my screenplay.  I get so much satisfaction from writing.  I really do hope/pray I can be a full time professional writer someday soon.  Although I am learning to embrace teaching.  I have a bunch of great kids this year.  After writing and dinner my evening classes were open so I had the night to myself.  I decided to go to a movie.  I saw an advance screening of Good Night, Have Fun, Don’t Die.  It starred one of my favorite actors, Sam Rockwell, and was by a great director in Gore Verbinsky.  I worked on the legal side of some of Verbinsky’s films when I worked at DreamWorks for a short period while I lived in LA.  I loved the movie.  

I remember leaving the movie just minutes ago so filled with Hope.  That is the key to my mental health, Hope.  I’ve been a dark room for most of the past year and Hope comes upon me like a 10,000 lumen flashlight lighting my way out of the room.  They say, it’s darkest before the dawn both literally and figuratively.  Whenever I go through the dark spaces I’m thinking is dawn about to break?  I’m hopeful that it will soon.  But God’s timing is perfect and I have to trust in him.  I know the Dawn is coming.  I’m ready for it.  Job 13:15 (KJV): “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him.”