Well, I'm back on this blog after being away for 12 years. I thought those 12 years away were happy years, at least they were from my perspective. But they were not from the point of view of my wife. I come back to this spot a broken and humble man. My life is experiencing a low point of which I've only experienced one other point before. This time I think it's even lower because of the joy I experienced recently. So why even write/journal about it? My therapist recommended that I journal my experience. I know in times past several of my readers reached out directly to me letting me know that I played a part in helping save their marriages. So if I can help just one other person through my anguish, I'll take it.
Currently, I am a separated from my family and I HATE it. I miss them dearly and am not good at living alone. I'm not going to offer any salacious details as to what led to my separation nor am I going to blame my wife. I made mistakes over the course of my marriage and I am now paying for those mistakes with the worst time in my life. Because of my public facing career, I cannot get into specifics of what I've done. But if you know me well enough feel free to reach out to me privately and we can talk.
I feel as if I'm on an roller coaster of emotion. Certain days are bearable and certain days are absolute Hell. Those bad days I find myself discouraged, hopeless and full of despair. The counter-intuitive aspect of all this is that I am a follower of Christ. I should be filled with the fruits of spirit of Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness and Self-control. Certain moments I feel that, and certain moments I do not. I need to re-emphasize that I'm not blaming anyone for my despair. I know what I'm going through is a consequence of my own selfish choices. I was hurting and I chose to self-medicate and that made everything even worse. I am relying on the promise of Roman 8:28, All things work together for good for those who believe and are called according to HIS purpose. I understand that from a logical perspective but from a practical perspective it seems light years away. I know it is darkest before the dawn, but how long will this nightmare consume me?
All of this seems to be made worse because I lost my father a few weeks ago. Losing a parent is never easy but I was comforted in the fact that he lived to be 88 and lived a full and happy life. It is a relief that he is no longer in pain. I just remembered being at the funeral surrounded by family members all sharing a collective grief. Yet the more people I was surrounded with the more lonely and isolated I felt. Yes I have so many friends, family members, associates and colleagues that love me, but I still feel alone. The more people that surround me physically the more isolated I feel. I don't have that one intimate relationship anymore. That partner that offered me comfort and the security of family. I know in my heart that this is temporary. I just have to be able to endure it. I know that God is faithful. I've seen him move in my life countless times in the past. I know that this season of despair will end, but how long will this season last? Only God truly knows.
I know I'm feeling sorry for myself in the moment. I feel like that is a sin. I've also been crying out to God constantly during this time. They say comparison is the thief of joy and I whole-heartedly believe that. But it can also work in the opposite way. In my mind my life seems to be pretty bad right now. But I have three very close friends from different points in my life, going through something very similar or even worse. I can't get into specifics but they include two struggling relationships similar to my own and a severe physical challenge with the other. My prayers are with those three friends. I'm reminded of the book of Job. Job was blameless and upright yet still lost his family, friends, and belongings. I cannot compare myself to Job because I certainly was not blameless nor upright. But I'm trying to walk that walk now in the moment. It says in Job 42:10 that AFTER Job prayed for his friends, God restored all that he had. So maybe that should be my strategy, get the focus off of myself and start praying for my friends. This self-pity party doesn't do anyone any good. I know I will emerge somehow victorious through all of this in the future. Not because of any of my own strength but because God is faithful even when we are not. I won't give up. I will continue to seek Him. I'm not sure how often I will write in this iteration of my blog but I feel a bit better after jotting down these few words. If you pray, please say a prayer for me so I can be upright and righteous from this point. Also pray for my beloved children. They are the victims in all of this. They did nothing wrong but still they have to suffer the consequences of my choices. That really discourages me. I did this to them. Hopefully, someday I can make it up to them. Thank you for reading. -Rick
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