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Nothing seems to work!

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  It’s been a really difficult week for me. Growing up in the church, I was taught from a young age that if you believe hard enough you can pray anything into existence.  Mountain into the sea? No problem, it just takes the faith of the mustard seed (which is tiny.)  Well I’ve been praying, praying praying for my situation to change.  I came to the realization that no matter how hard I pray or for how long, no matter how much faith I have, my situation might not change. That hurt and it hurt bad.   This slow realization (I’ve been in denial a lot, thinking my faith would pull me through) that my situation might not change hit me hard this week.  The emotional pain was palpable.  Despite my grief and my temporary darkness, I’m one of the happiest and most positive people you’ll ever meet.  At least I try to come across that way.  I feel like I haven’t been “me” for a year now.  There will be moments of levity but it’s been a struggle....
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No Novocain for you!

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  Yesterday was such a horribly intense day. It just sucked for a myriad of reasons.  I was just awestruck at the intense emotional and psychological anguish I was under.  I felt like I should just curl up on a fetal position and just wish everything away.  But I knew that the intensity would pass, although I hoped it would.  In my mind I pictured my hair flying back being toppled over by an intense psychological bomb exploding.  The pain and anguish were real.  As much as I’m trying to pray reality away, the more I’m slowly starting to accept that maybe my reality won’t change.  Maybe yesterday was my day of true acceptance of it, but I didn’t want to accept it.  It hurt and it hurt bad.  I wrote last week of the concept of “Spiritual Novocain” where in some circumstances I should feel pain but I don't. Yesterday I felt it.  It was the opposite of spiritual novocain.  In a metaphorical/emotional sense, this was me going to get...
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Today sucked

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  Today sucked.  It was a very hard day.  I felt like I was punched in the mouth.  I know I don’t share a lot of details in this blog in order to protect some.  As I was telling my broadcasting class today as they were telling their stories, the details are important in order to paint a more complete picture in the imaginations of your watchers/listeners.  When you share only the facts with no details it’s like sketching a picture using only pencil and shades of gray.  When you add details to the story it’s like you are adding colors and pictures.  So my apologies in advance for only sketching in pencil.   Just like a normal punch I was stunned at first and very disheartened.  Then something strange happened….nothing.  Nothing happened yet the further I moved away from the event the more relief I got.  I didn’t even cry out to God nor did I pray or praise.  Instead I just sat in it and didn’t make it worse.  Minu...
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Inexplicable Hope

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  Inexplicable Hope The surge hit me around 11a, seemingly out of nowhere.  I’ve chronicled the last couple of days have been tough.  I’m really missing my family and grieving at the same time.  This is always made worse after I have the kids and then I have to return them. It’s the extreme of amazing joy to instant sorrow.  It’s quite bizarre really.     It was a remote learning day again for school.  So I stayed up late on Monday doing most of my work so I could have a more relaxing Tuesday.   After I finished the remote learning assignments I headed to the gym at 9:30p.  Why, because I could.  I hadn’t worked out for a couple of days so I wanted to try to make up for lost time.  A new 24/7 Planet Fitness Gym opened really close to my house so it’s very convenient.  Plus, It’s covered under my insurance plan…Win! Normally when I sleep my 10 lb bed hog of a dog Snoopy  sleeps curled up right next to me, I c...
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Three loud, awesome, and messy days followed by unwanted quiet and cleanliness

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  I feel as if I’m on a roller coaster of emotion.  I had such a spectacular 3 days with my girls.  The thing is, because of the separation my time with them is limited.  So I’m learning to maximize every moment that I have.  I know I should have been doing this all along.    My focus is only on them so I don’t bother writing in the blog or exercising or doing anything else that I normally do when I am alone. Now that I’ve returned them I’m back to feeling alone again.  As high as my high for the past three days was, I’m trying to avoid the low of loneliness.  I know God is there for me and I’ll embrace Him but now I’m just feeling the raw emotion of loss.  It sucks.  So let me recount the good from this past weekend and hopefully that will lift my spirits.   I got the girls on Friday and we like to plan out the weekend’s meals. They like to eat healthy, something I don’t do as much as I should when I’m alone.   ...
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Distracted by a busy day of activity

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  It’s been a tough week as I have documented.  So perhaps my busiest day of the week happened at a good time.  We did have a two hour delay to start because of the icy roads.  It was nice getting an extra bit of sleep in.  It was the first actual day of the semester.  I’m always nervous about the first day as I see how many knowledgeable crew/students I’ll have for our productions.  The good news is that I have two very good and adept editors for both my broadcasting classes.  This means I won’t have to do the extra work and can focus my efforts in other areas.  Plus it seems like the classes are all excited to be there.  I’m trying to establish the reputation as the “broadcast” kids are the cool kids.  It helps that I have several returning students.  They take the lead and help train and teach the new students.  It’s a better experience for them as they develop leadership skills and it’s less work for me.  Win-win....
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The Day after the Brokenness

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  Yesterday was intense.  I did not like it.  I can remember the moments in my life where I just stopped and sobbed.  It was surreal because it just doesn’t happen that often.  I felt truly broken while at the same time comforted because God knew ahead of time of how I would feel.  Now you might call that chance encounter I had, a coincidence. You can almost decry any Act of God as a coincidence.  I chose NOT to do so.  If God knows the numbers of hairs on my head (Matthew 10:30) and collects my tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8).  Surely he must care when I am broken in spirit. Yesterday I was truly broken.   I do miss my family.  But God promises that He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3).  That is what I am counting on.  I just have to realize the healing may not come overnight as much as I want it to.  It could be days weeks/months/years.  I have to be prepared for it.  This is...
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