Nothing seems to work!

 It’s been a really difficult week for me. Growing up in the church, I was taught from a young age that if you believe hard enough you can pray anything into existence.  Mountain into the sea? No problem, it just takes the faith of the mustard seed (which is tiny.)  Well I’ve been praying, praying praying for my situation to change.  I came to the realization that no matter how hard I pray or for how long, no matter how much faith I have, my situation might not change. That hurt and it hurt bad.   This slow realization (I’ve been in denial a lot, thinking my faith would pull me through) that my situation might not change hit me hard this week.  The emotional pain was palpable.  Despite my grief and my temporary darkness, I’m one of the happiest and most positive people you’ll ever meet.  At least I try to come across that way.  I feel like I haven’t been “me” for a year now.  There will be moments of levity but it’s been a struggle.  I know there are going to be good days and bad as I have detailed in this blog.  It’s a good thing I’m an acting teacher because I’m acting like I have it all together while I die a little inside each day.  

Now please don’t mis-read this next part, nor worry about my welfare.  I would NEVER do anything to harm myself or others.  But there were moments when I was crying out to God, that if He chose to take me home early (preferably in my sleep), I wouldn’t object.  I think we’ve all been at that point of absolute despair at one time or the other.  With the pain being so intense that we are left begging for a respite.  What I was trying to convey in my prayer to God was my desperation for relief.  If he knows the hairs on my head and the number of the grains of sand on all the beaches in all the world, certainly he understands the grief and loneliness that I’m experiencing.  That’s why I cry out all the time when I am alone.  I remember going to bed Thursday night emotionally, physically and psychologically exhausted when I had this conversation with the All Mighty.    Then something so simple yet so profound happened.  The Sun rose.  Yes, that’s it.  The Sun rose again.  There was another day.  Despite my pleas for change, life goes on whether we like it or not.  As the new dawn emerged I awoke refreshed with the pain a little less palpable than the night before.  What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.  I am determined to not let this grief kill me.  God promised me it wouldn’t.  I don’t see how people survive separation/divorce without their faith.  I know I couldn’t.  What also helps is that I shifted my identity from that of a grieving husband to that of a grieving child of God.  Identity is everything to me right now and God is faithful.  I’m remembering that old Children’s church song Donna Thorson used to sing to us at Bethel Temple, “The Wise man built his house upon the rock. The foolish man built his house upon the sand, and when the rains came the house on the sand went SPLAT!” The house is my identity and it is firmly placed in Christ.  That is the thing that keeps me going.  

Now I didn’t wake up the next day and everything was magically set back to normal.  Instead I woke up to a renewed attitude of thankfulness. The heaviness from the night before just wasn’t as intense.  Maybe I survived a spiritual attack and God offered me a psychological respite.   I survived the utmost of despair by doing nothing about it.  I just sat in it, felt it, and familiarized it.  I didn’t try to hide it, run from it or fix it.  I just sat in it.  Suddenly that Fear didn’t seem as real as it was the day before.  An acronym for F.E.A.R. I’ve heard is False Evidence Appearing Real.  We tend to react to bad scenarios as if the worst case will ultimately ensnare us.  The worst case rarely comes to fruition.  I just have to realize that there are worse things that can happen besides my ultimate fears.  My kids are healthy, I have a job, I have a future most of all I have hope through my faith in my savior.  Is it perfect?  Far from it.  But I can adapt.  I have to force myself to embrace the reality of today instead of trying recreate the joy of my yesterdays for my tomorrow.  I really understand the concept of the Good Ole Days now.  Im determined to remake Good Ole Days in my future.  I have to embrace that there will be dips in the road like there was last week, but those are going to become fewer and far between.  I’m learning to deal with those extremely bad days by doing nothing.  Nothing seems to work.  ;-)