Rick Beeman

  Inexplicable Hope The surge hit me around 11a, seemingly out of nowhere.  I’ve chronicled the last couple of days have been tough.  I’m really missing my family and grieving at the same time.  This is always made worse after I have the kids and then I have to return them. It’s the extreme of amazing joy to instant sorrow.  It’s quite bizarre really.     It was a remote learning day again for school.  So I stayed up late on Monday doing most of my work so I could have a more relaxing Tuesday.   After I finished the remote learning assignments I headed to the gym at 9:30p.  Why, because I could.  I hadn’t worked out for a couple of days so I wanted to try to make up for lost time.  A new 24/7 Planet Fitness Gym opened really close to my house so it’s very convenient.  Plus, It’s covered under my insurance plan…Win! Normally when I sleep my 10 lb bed hog of a dog Snoopy  sleeps curled up right next to me, I c...

  I feel as if I’m on a roller coaster of emotion.  I had such a spectacular 3 days with my girls.  The thing is, because of the separation my time with them is limited.  So I’m learning to maximize every moment that I have.  I know I should have been doing this all along.    My focus is only on them so I don’t bother writing in the blog or exercising or doing anything else that I normally do when I am alone. Now that I’ve returned them I’m back to feeling alone again.  As high as my high for the past three days was, I’m trying to avoid the low of loneliness.  I know God is there for me and I’ll embrace Him but now I’m just feeling the raw emotion of loss.  It sucks.  So let me recount the good from this past weekend and hopefully that will lift my spirits.   I got the girls on Friday and we like to plan out the weekend’s meals. They like to eat healthy, something I don’t do as much as I should when I’m alone.   ...

  It’s been a tough week as I have documented.  So perhaps my busiest day of the week happened at a good time.  We did have a two hour delay to start because of the icy roads.  It was nice getting an extra bit of sleep in.  It was the first actual day of the semester.  I’m always nervous about the first day as I see how many knowledgeable crew/students I’ll have for our productions.  The good news is that I have two very good and adept editors for both my broadcasting classes.  This means I won’t have to do the extra work and can focus my efforts in other areas.  Plus it seems like the classes are all excited to be there.  I’m trying to establish the reputation as the “broadcast” kids are the cool kids.  It helps that I have several returning students.  They take the lead and help train and teach the new students.  It’s a better experience for them as they develop leadership skills and it’s less work for me.  Win-win....

  Yesterday was intense.  I did not like it.  I can remember the moments in my life where I just stopped and sobbed.  It was surreal because it just doesn’t happen that often.  I felt truly broken while at the same time comforted because God knew ahead of time of how I would feel.  Now you might call that chance encounter I had, a coincidence. You can almost decry any Act of God as a coincidence.  I chose NOT to do so.  If God knows the numbers of hairs on my head (Matthew 10:30) and collects my tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8).  Surely he must care when I am broken in spirit. Yesterday I was truly broken.   I do miss my family.  But God promises that He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3).  That is what I am counting on.  I just have to realize the healing may not come overnight as much as I want it to.  It could be days weeks/months/years.  I have to be prepared for it.  This is...

  I am getting comfortable sitting in my discomfort. I was able to make it out today to go exercise after nearly 2 days of being iced in.  For my fear of abandonment issues and my distaste of being alone, I managed fairly well.  I actually had a few moments of joy thrown in there as well.  I have to slowly retrain my brain into my new reality.  I don’t want to embrace it but I also don’t want to mope around for the rest of my life. Feeling sorry for yourself only traps you further into the muck of despair and discontent.  Instead of fighting for yesterday I am attempting to embrace tomorrow.  Along the way I have to be at peace for today.  It’s all a bit poetic but it seems to be working little by little.  I am living out the serenity prayer in real time.  “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.  With a few setbacks every now and then, I’...

  It’s been such a strange, different and wonderful day. I remember getting the impression last night as I went to sleep that tomorrow was going to be a good day.  Sometimes God speaks to me to warn me of impending difficult days or impending good days.  Most of the time these thoughts or feelings turn out to be accurate.  But I scoffed at this notion.  How could it be possibly be a good day?  I was alone with the prospect of being snowed in for the entire day with everything around me closed or at least I thought it was closed. Last night I drove around Raleigh around 8 pm looking to buy eggs.  I couldn’t find any.  Either the stores were closed or they were out of eggs, bread and milk.    I slept in, and kept sleeping and stayed in bed for another two hours.  Normally on a Sunday I get up for church but church was all online today.  So i stayed in bed until I felt somewhat slothful.  I got up and my street was blank...

  Is it possible to have a good week and a horrible week at the same time? Is it possible to filled with grief/dread while also being filled with Hope simultaneously. Sometimes I am a living, breathing, walking dichotomy.  I feel as if I’m a locomotive riding the rail of sorrow on my left and and a rail of peace on my right.  It doesn’t make any sense.  It’s been a very difficult week but I’m trying not to over react.  Some people have questioned my motives in writing this blog.  I’m not trying to elicit sympathy nor am I trying to win in the court of opinion. It reminds me of when I wrote in the original iteration of this blog when I lived in Bahrain.  I had a reader that started disputing my notions of God.  So we went to Fuddrucker’s to meet and talk.  Instead of an argument of who is the true God Allah or Jehovah, I instead talked about what is wrong with me and what is right with my God.  This so disarmed him that he started regular...

  It has been a really hard week/month/year. I mentioned yesterday about the Spiritual Novocaine that has sustained my peace through a very trying time.  I’m still trying to balance hope amidst the growing reality that encompasses me.  It’s a delicate balance to keep my hopes up while not getting my hopes too far up.  Seems confusing?  Welcome to my life.  I’ve been so disappointed in my own actions which in part led to my present circumstances.  So I guess I’m trying to protect myself from even more disappointments.  I’m hoping this is rock bottom.  I just am loathe to discover if there are any sublevels to rock bottom.  I remember going through my first divorce.  Every time I thought I hit rock bottom there were still a few more sub-levels which I stumbled to.  The difference this time, instead of praying for restoration, which I am, I am instead focusing my prayers on seeking God at every opportunity.  My faith is wholl...

  By all accounts I should be an absolute mess right now.  Perhaps tomorrow I will be.  But for today, I’m filled with such an uneasy peace that doesn’t really make much logical sense.  It has been an incredibly difficult week emotionally speaking.  My greatest fear in life is happening right before my eyes.  It’s like a slow moving car crash that I’m unable to do anything about as much as I try.  If I would have been in this position just six months ago, I probably would’ve needed some type of anti-depression medication just to survive.  For now, the sense of unease is palatable because at this point it seemingly seems unavoidable.  My wife and I are in the process of separating all of our shared accounts, divesting financially and socially of our all our family connections, assets come next.  Think of getting off netflix, insurance, phone plans.  So this separation is getting real.  It went from Theoretical to Practical this ...

  I’ve had an abundance of pendulum swinging days this past year. It seems like I’m living the life of extremes from the despair to the hopeful on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.  The swings have been so extreme that at times I feel emotionally bipolar.  Intellectually, I know that God will see me through this.  I know that I’m supposed to live a life reflecting the fruits of the spirit, Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness and Self-control.  I know when I’m living my life right, which I am and plan on continuing to do so, I will exhibit those traits in my life on a consistent basis in the future.  No where on that list is loneliness, depression, despair, hopelessness which I sometimes experience.  So I know those emotions/feelings are not from God. I have to trudge through until the real fruits re-emerge which they invariably will and have at many times these past few months.  So I asked Chat GPT if I was crazy.  Th...