Spiritual Novocain

 By all accounts I should be an absolute mess right now.  Perhaps tomorrow I will be.  But for today, I’m filled with such an uneasy peace that doesn’t really make much logical sense.  It has been an incredibly difficult week emotionally speaking.  My greatest fear in life is happening right before my eyes.  It’s like a slow moving car crash that I’m unable to do anything about as much as I try.  If I would have been in this position just six months ago, I probably would’ve needed some type of anti-depression medication just to survive.  For now, the sense of unease is palatable because at this point it seemingly seems unavoidable.  My wife and I are in the process of separating all of our shared accounts, divesting financially and socially of our all our family connections, assets come next.  Think of getting off netflix, insurance, phone plans.  So this separation is getting real.  It went from Theoretical to Practical this week.  I do still hate it.  I hate every single part of it.  Not just for my sake and my preferences.  I hate it for my girls.  They are the innocent victims.  I would do anything to protect them from this, but I alone share that particular concern at the moment.  As I face the reality of my crumbling marriage I realize I have been in large part in denial about all of it.  I just figured If I prayed hard enough, praised God hard enough, and quoted the right scripture surely God could produce a miracle, Right?  If one just needs a small mustard seed amount of faith to move a mountain, I have at least a walnut’s sized amount of faith. Couldn’t that at least save a marriage?  I’m saying all the right words and phrases in my prayers.  I’m calling out to God constantly but as we inch closer to that date the grim reality can’t help but to seep in no matter how much Hope I put forth. 

There are always three answers to prayers.  Yes, No, and not Yet.  I have to start facing the reality that the answer might indeed be “NO”,  as much as it pains me to admit that.  I hate to say or write the D-word that happens 12 months after physical separation (in the state of North Carolina).  I remember an old sermon from the late Jack Hayford I heard nearly 30 years ago.  Hayford’s admonished that one should never utter that D word in an argument or any context.  I can’t even write it out and I’m loathe to say it.  Hayford’s premise that there are Demonic forces attached to that word and when you utter it out loud it unleashes them to attack you.  (I guess it’s a spiritual version of saying Beetlejuice three times.)  So whether you believe Hayford’s premise or not there is something dark and sinister about that word.  In fact, that word was never spoken at all in my first Divorce and I can’t remember it being spoken aloud during this iteration of my separating from my spouse. Why?   There has to be something about that right?  Again I hate this and I completely understand why God Hates Divorce (Malachi 2:16).  I can see why God hates it because it affects not just two individuals but extended family, associates, businesses and generations. Every aspect of life seems to be affected by that horrible word.   I HATE HATE HATE that word!  But again my vote doesn’t count at the moment.  It takes two people to fall in love/get married and only one person to file.  

So with my aforementioned preference out of the way.  Why do I feel like I do at the moment?   It was a good day for me?  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?  Simple answer is I don’t know.  I know intellectually why, but not why practically.  In my season of helplessness, I’m doing the only productive thing I know how to do, PRAY.   Seek first the Kingdom and His Righteousness and All these things will be added unto you.  I’m seeking God like I’ve never sought him before.  And that is saying something because I’ve sought God throughout my life A LOT.  But the more I seek Him the more I’m not having the answer to my prayers responding in the affirmative.  Does that mean I don’t have enough faith?  I don’t think so.  What I’m finding is the more that I pray, even when I don’t get the answers to which I seek, I am still feeling God’s grace and mercy in every other aspect of my life.  I have peace that passes all understanding and that helps the answer or lack thereof to my prayers go down a bit easier.  Think of it as the Spiritual version of a “Spoonful of a Sugar…”  I’ll throw another metaphor into the mix.  I like speaking in metaphors.  Jesus’ parables worked for him so if He can do it, I can try to replicate it.  After all, aren’t we all called to be like Christ or at least attempt to be like Christ?  What I’m going through right now is a bit like Spiritual Novocaine.  Imagine going to the dentist without any Novocaine (Shout out to Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man-1976)  It would be torture.  But with Novocain it’s relatively painless.  So my impending D-word should be insanely debilitating emotionally but still I’m filled with Hope that shouldn’t be there.  It’s got to be God’s spiritual novocaine with his Grace.  Perhaps tomorrow I’ll feel the pain, or the next day or the next.  For now, the uneasiness is there within my soul but there is peace.  

It reminds me of the story of Horatio Spafford an American Lawyer and Businessman.  who wrote “It is Well with my Soul.”  Spafford lost his only son to Scarlett Fever in the 1870s.  He then suffered financial ruin in the Great Chicago Fire, Spafford sent his wife and daughters to Europe.  While on the ship Ville du Havre on the way back, they were tragically lost in a collision, with only his wife surviving.  Anna Spafford later sent Horatio the famous telegram: “Saved alone.” Spafford, upon learning the news, wrote those lyrics as a testament to his enduring faith, famously stating, "It is well, it is well with my soul".  He wrote those words as he passed the scene of the accident that claimed his daughters.   I can’t imagine that type of devastation, I know that some have gone through that or worse.  In that context I take the health and well being of my children over the D-word any day.  But think of how many millions one person’s tragic story and his response of faith to it has blessed so many.  Even now I sing that in faith.  Maybe that is one of the reasons why I’m writing this blog.  I can’t write music but I can use my words.  This blog is my version of “It is well with my Soul.”  If I can bless others through my heartache maybe some beauty can come from the ashes that is my present situation.  I know God is faithful.  He’s gotten me out of predicaments before and surely He will do it again.  For now on this day, It is well with My Soul.