No Novocain for you!

 Yesterday was such a horribly intense day. It just sucked for a myriad of reasons.  I was just awestruck at the intense emotional and psychological anguish I was under.  I felt like I should just curl up on a fetal position and just wish everything away.  But I knew that the intensity would pass, although I hoped it would.  In my mind I pictured my hair flying back being toppled over by an intense psychological bomb exploding.  The pain and anguish were real.  As much as I’m trying to pray reality away, the more I’m slowly starting to accept that maybe my reality won’t change.  Maybe yesterday was my day of true acceptance of it, but I didn’t want to accept it.  It hurt and it hurt bad.  I wrote last week of the concept of “Spiritual Novocain” where in some circumstances I should feel pain but I don't. Yesterday I felt it.  It was the opposite of spiritual novocain.  In a metaphorical/emotional sense, this was me going to get my tooth pulled out without the novocain.  I must say, I’m not a big fan of that feeling.  Yet I did the only thing I knew to do, that was to cry out to God.  He didn’t fix it.  At least he didn’t fix it right away.  

I also had a problem at work.  I’m thinking “How much more of this can I take?  I reacted well under the pressure, just sitting in it. The acting skills came in handy as I tried to show everyone my “This doesn’t hurt that much face.”  No one really seems to care if you are having that bad of a day anyway.  What made matters worse is Thursday is my long day as well.  I was gone mostly from the house from 6a-9p.  Now, I might be exhausted but I feel slightly better.  So it’s a upgrade going from horrible to pretty bad.  But it’s forward progress.  I know there will be seasons of despair and grief that I must go through.  I’m not looking forward to it.  Sometimes I’ll feel the flames of grief and sometimes I don’t.  I’m still crying out to God constantly.  Sometimes I feel his presence in the midst of the trial and sometimes I don’t.  This week is one of those times I don’t feel it.  It just gets me to question my faith which I know is absolutely wrong.  God is faithful I know.  I just don’t feel it at the moment but I’m sure I will soon.  I am being very raw and vulnerable in this blog.  I don’t think it’s a sign of weakness or me feeling sorry for myself.  I’m loathe to feel sorry for myself.  I could throw myself a pity party and get a bunch of throw pillows in the pit of despair I dug for myself. This will temporarily make the discomfort more comfortable.    But those comfortable pillows in the pit will only encourage me to stay in the discomfort.  I’m determined to climb out at soon as possible.  I know that God will meet me soon.  These moments of despair will be a fading memory like the despair I experienced from 2005-2008.  There were so many happy and joyous moments after that.  I’m just as convinced there will be happy and joyous moments after 2026 as well.  God promises as much as long as I do my part.  

I will be fine through all of this ultimately, but not by my power.  God is faithful.  I just have to wait this out.  There will joy again, just maybe not today.  I’ll continue to pray, praise, seek God and trust.  This will all work out.  Until then, I’m going to bed and starting afresh tomorrow.