I had such a weird sensation come over me tonight. It probably wasn’t very healthy but Im not sure what is mentally normal anymore. I came home from a good but unspectacular day of teaching. The teaching aspect of my life is really going well as I’m embracing my identity as a professional. I have the ability to impact so many lives and I am. That’s why I got into the film/tv industry in the first place. I wanted to impact as many lives as possible. Instead of doing that in the thousands/tens of thousands/millions, I’m doing it by the dozens or maybe hundreds. That is OK. The most profound influence I have is on my children but because of my present circumstance my direct influence is being somewhat diluted because of time and distance. I only get to see them a fraction of the time I would normally get to see them. But I’m still trying to make the best of it by driving them to practice and appointments on certain days. Even though it’s only a few minutes it is better than zero minutes. My youngest is always so excited to see me by running to me and giving me giant hugs. I need to look on the positives that my daughters are beautiful on the inside and out and just a joy to be around. I miss them so.
So I got back home after dropping the dog back to the girls. I felt selfish keeping him. Little girls need their dog. So as I was coming back home after a workout, I felt unusually hopeful. Why was I so filled with hope? Nothing extraordinary happened. I didn’t do anything different and nothing in my circumstances changed, but I was still filled with hope. Maybe that was a spiritual thing. Then just a half hour later a dark depression fell over me. It was like it was a clear sunny day then the storm clouds rolled in. Inexplicably my mood changed from light to darkness. Again nothing extraordinary happened. Why? Are the moments of peace and joy the exception and not the rule? Or is it the opposite right now? It was very frustrating to me. I know that brighter days are right around the corner. But sometimes that corner seems so distant. I am a big believer in spiritual attacks. I’m in the enemy’s crosshairs at the moment, this much is certain. But I’m also quite certain that I can overcome this. I just have to remain steadfast in my faith. I remember listening to an old sermon by Charles Stanley. “If you’re not bothering the devil, He won’t bother you.” So I take encouragement in the darkness as I must be doing something good to rattle the cage of the enemy and prompt such attacks. That helps. I have to take a step back and analyze it from a 10,000 foot level. That is why the journal/blog is so helpful for my point of view. It offers more spiritual clarity to me.
I get to school quite early. I usually arrive around 6:30am. It’s still dark outside when I arrive. But when I was driving through the thick trees of Old Falls of Neuse Road (where there are no streetlights and windy turns) it can be quite treacherous especially during the rain like this morning. I was reminded of the adage it’s darkest before the dawn. That’s where I feel like I’m at, right at this moment. I’m in the period right before the dawn breaks. But how long will this darkness persist? When will dawn break over the horizon? I’m so ready for happiness again. Now, I do have moments of peace and joy but they are intermittent. It’s been nearly 15 months of lack of happiness for me now. There have been occasional bursts of happiness but they are intermittent. I still remember the last time I truly felt happy. We were on a family cruise last July 2024. I had all my children (from first and second marriages) together minus one lone hold out. That’s a story for another day. It was also the first and only time I got to meet my son-in-law Kerry before he suddenly and tragically passed away just a few short months ago. There was something magical about being on that ship together. But as soon as we docked things started slowly unraveling for me. The unraveling was so slow I didn’t even realize it until it was too late. Something happened when we docked and for the life of me I don’t know what it was.
I brought up the fact that I thought our marriage was under spiritual attack with my wife a few months back but she scoffed. Either she didn’t believe in spiritual attacks or maybe she thought I was trying to blame my own spiritual short-comings on a spiritual entity rather than be accountable and own my sin/mistakes. It is clear to me that my choices caused my marital rift. As much as I’m trying, praying, hoping, pleading to fix it, I just have to come to the realization that reconciliation might not be in the cards. It pains me to say that. I want to get my hopes up and ride the wave of optimism and faith but certain days are harder than others. Does that mean I don’t have enough faith? Didn’t Jesus say if you have faith enough to move a mountain it will be done? Getting someone to love me again enough for a second/third/fourth/innumerable chance seems easier than moving a mountain, but maybe it’s not. Maybe the relationship is the mountain? Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you desires of your heart.” It’s hard to find that delight lately, but I’m searching for it. And I know that God can change the desires of my heart to align with His will. Prayer might not change my situation but I trust it will change me to accept my situation. I’m an eternal optimist filled with hope sometimes, but now I feel as if the helium balloon of hope is slowly losing its buoyancy. Tomorrow I'm sure will be a better day. I just have to be careful not to make today or tomorrow any worse. Right now there are only one set of footprints in the sand. Tomorrow, hopefully there will be two sets. Again, please don’t mistake this blog as a plea for sympathy or encouragement. I’m just journaling my feelings. God is faithful, I know. So I’m trying to be quite articulate with my pain as a future testimony when God will indeed lift me out of the “Miry clay making my footsteps firm” again. It is a bit like Babe Ruth calling his Home Run shot in the World Series in 1932. I’m calling my shot now that God will deliver me out of this hopelessness into his abundance of peace and joy. Now it’s just a matter of when and not if and what those exact details might look like. I shall overcome with the strength and grace of my savior. Of this I’m certain.
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