It was a good day. That’s refreshing to say after a couple of bad days/weeks/months/years. I’m so encouraged to have this forum to journal out my feelings. It really is helping me. If I can help people along the way as well…bonus. I was talking to my therapist today. (Im a big believer in therapy) plus the Bible says Wise is the Man that has many counselors. He was asking me why I was writing this blog? It’s a fair question. I think it’s several fold for me. When does my testimony for Christ shine the brightest, When things are going great and I’m happy or when things are dark, depressed and lonely? For Christian Marketing 101 it seems logical to bring people into the fold with offers of peace, prosperity, joy and happiness. But right now something else is happening to me which is why I’m communicating my feelings as I venture through them. I’m starting to experience Peace and Joy. Now here is the dichotomy with that. I’m lonely and unhappy while simultaneously experiencing Peace and Joy. How is that even possible? I’m not sure but I’m the living embodiment of it. It’s like two rails of train track in my life, one is peace and the other despair both headed to the same destination (forward I hope). God never promised we would be free from our problems but that He would be with us throughout our problems. “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” comes immediately to mind. So I’m at this weird place of hope and despair running concurrently in my life depending on which hour of the day you catch me in.
A couple of good things happened to me today. My sister and her family as well as my mother came by my new place for a quick visit before they flew out of RDU. Even though I’m not pleased with being by myself, I’m still somewhat proud of this new identity I’ve been forced to embrace. I’m making the best of it and Trusting God to see me through the rest. Another thing is that when I dropped the girls off yesterday, my dog Snoopy, perched himself next to my car sitting still and not moving. It was as if he was saying, “You’re taking me with you, whether you like it or not.” So my wife was kind enough to let me have the dog. I do feel a little conflicted about it still. It’s nice to come home to something that is excited to see you. My girls were always excited to see me when I came home but now that is out of the picture for the moment, the dog is the next best thing. I do feel a bit guilty in that I’m taking the dog away from the girls. (They don’t seem to be too broken up about it.) Also, with my work schedule, I’m gone from my townhome for about 14 hours a day. That time away doesn’t seem very healthy for a dog. A cat yes, but a dog? I’m not so sure. But still it’s nice having something that wants to cuddle you at night.
I probably shouldn’t mention this….OK, I guess I have to now. I’m trying to keep this blog entirely about myself and my own journey. But last night when I dropped the girls off I visited with my wife for a couple of minutes. Maybe 3 total. It was not contentious, not angry, and not overly friendly either. It was just two wounded adults conversing in an informational manner. I did wound her and I take complete accountability for that. I hate myself for doing that to her. But just being civil felt so good. That small interaction made my day and I’ve been running off the fumes ever since. I wouldn’t say it was a positive interaction. Rather it was neutral or just non-negative. I still desperately want to reconcile. God made me in a manner where I can see even the slightest hint of a razor thin silver lining even from the most ominous dark cloud. I’m a perpetual optimist most of the time (except for the last year). So I welcome that optimism back if possible. I’m perhaps too optimistic at times, some have called me Pollyanna. Others have equated me with Ned Flanders at times (which I took as a compliment because of his faith.) Overall I’ve had more good positive years in my life than bad, so my way of thinking hasn’t been a complete disaster. I’ve also got six wonderful children that love me. So overall, it’s been good. I’m also extremely hopeful that life will turn back around for me. I’m hoping sooner rather than later. I so appreciate the words of support I’ve been reading from you dear friends. But again that’s not why I’m writing this. I’m writing to encourage you and not to be encouraged. I heard a minister once say, if you need a job, pray for someone else to get a job. If you need to be healed, pray for another person to be healed. If you need to reconcile your marriage, pray for another person to be reconciled. (Right now I’m praying for two very dear friends who are going through the same emotional devastation as I am, but they probably have it worse). So I’m praying for my friends to be reconciled, or for God to heal them from their emotional pain. I’m not sure if that mode of praying for others is Biblical but it makes logical sense. JOB 42:10 says “AFTER Job, prayed for his friends that God restored all that he had.” So maybe the key to restoration is getting off the carousel of self pity and onto focusing on the needs of others. So I need to be encouraged, so I’m writing this to encourage all of you. I’m not sure if it is working for you…but it is sure it is encouraging me. It’s like when I was doing missionary work in Taiwan and the Middle East. I thought I was making an impact on the world around me, but the biggest impact was taking place within me.
I think I came up with a term that this style is called or should be called, Backward design prayer. I checked with Chat GPT and apparently it isn’t a thing yet. Maybe God is revealing it to me, but I’m certain I’ve heard it somewhere before, I just don’t know who to credit. There is an educational term called Backward Design, where you start with the end goal in mind then work backwards with the lesson plans to achieve the end goal. I think that is how I’m praying for others to keep the focus off of myself. Just for curiosity's sake, I asked Chat GPT for a backward design prayer for reconciliation for separated spouse. Here is what GPT came up with:
Step 1 – Desired End (Goal):
A restored and reconciled relationship marked by forgiveness, healing, and renewed love.
Step 2 – Evidence of Goal:
• Both hearts softened
• Willingness to forgive and communicate
• Patience and hope during the process
Step 3 – Prayer (working backward toward that end):
Prayer Example:
“Father, my deepest hope is reconciliation with my spouse, and I bring that hope to You. Begin by softening my heart and healing my wounds, so I can love with patience and grace. Please also work in my spouse’s heart, bringing peace, understanding, and openness to restoration. Guide our steps so that forgiveness becomes stronger than resentment, and communication stronger than silence. Thank You for being the source of love that can make new what feels broken. I trust the timing and outcome to You, while holding fast to the desire for our marriage to be whole again. Amen.”
Now I don’t want to give myself false hope of a reconciliation. I hate to get my hopes up only for them to be dashed against the rocky cliffs of despair again. But then again, where does faith come in to play? I’m not so sure.
I recently went to an in-person intensive rehab facility for what therapists categorize as “Process Addiction.” Process can be defined as anything unhealthy. But God really moved and broke me while I was there. I’m trying to look in the mirror and take extreme accountability for all my failures as a husband and father. It was there that God met me in yet another profound way. Whether or not I reconcile with my wife or not, God is still on the throne. God is still faithful if I’m separated, single or married. God still has my best interest at heart as long I as I do what I’m supposed to do. That faithfulness is what gives me peace and joy no matter what the outcome of my current circumstance. I trust God. Today was a good day.
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