I’m not sure if I’m going to keep this up everyday but it is making me feel better about myself so that is something. Nothing really changed in my circumstances but my perspective has altered a bit. At moments I’m extremely lonely. I love/loved my family, perhaps a bit too much. So being without them is a bit like being without an identity. So I have to rebuild that. While I may be terribly unhappy at the moment, I’m learning that one can have unhappiness and peace at the same time. It sounds weird saying that but it is true now, and it has been true in various other parts of my life. I think that is why they call it the peace that passes all understanding. The peace doesn’t make sense. It’s also possible to experience joy without experiencing happiness but I’m not there this time just yet. Happiness is so fleeting anyway. Some people search their entire lives for moments of happiness. Joy seems to be more sustainable. That is my goal but I have to build up to that. The Bible tells us not to judge lest ye be judged with the same measure. But it also says you shall know them by their fruits. Meaning you can tell if a person is walking in a Godly manner if they exhibit the fruits of the spirit in Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, and Self Control. I ask for God to fill me with those Fruits daily. Honestly, I’m not presenting all of those in my life consistently at the moment but it is my goal to do so. I think it will just take time and lots of prayer.
That is one thing that is the silver lining of the Hell that I’m enduring. Im seeking God like I’ve never sought him in years and years. Why do we often have to be broken in order to truly seek Him? Why couldn’t I have been desperately seeking him like I am now when life was good. Perhaps it’s just laziness and/or complacency. Nonetheless, I’m doing it now, walking in faith that the Fruits will be evident in my life soon. Once they are, I believe I’ll be able to face the adversities that I’m encountering with more grace. In the meantime I need to focus on the positives. A sermon by Joel Osteen really resonated with me that I heard nearly two decades ago. “Don’t focus on what you don’t have. Focus on what you have.” I’m trying to live my life by that mantra now. I have an identity in my career that I find fulfilling. I enjoy going to work. I enjoy having a second job that limits my time being alone in this townhome, I’m able to pay my bills, eat healthy and work out like a fiend. I have plenty of time (sometimes unwanted time) on my hands. I also have friends and family that love and support me. My health is top notch with my diabetes being under great control. Wow…after writing all that I feel better about myself. I do get to see my girls and they are lights in my dark world. It’s hard when I have to drop them back off. I do miss my dog too. When I drop the girls off, the dog stares at me from the glass door begging me with his dark eyes to take him with me. That breaks my heart as I’m the master. That’s the bittersweet part about my visitation with the girls. When I have to leave them I’m reminded that I’m separated again. It’s a temporary respite from the loneliness that is delayed for 48 hours. But my girls are smart and healthy and I need to focus on that.
I so want this next year to fly by quickly, but yet I feel as if it’s going by at a snail’s pace. I was listening to a podcast about a year ago talking about the perception of time. The adage, time flies when you’re having fun or Where did all the time go is a psychological fact. The premise of this particular podcast from Hidden Brain or it might have been Inner Cosmos, is when we get into routines doing the same thing over and over again, the brain goes on cruise control not having to process or think because there is no new stimuli to decipher and interpret. So the perception of time is sped up. So the premise is that if you want to slow time down, do something different to trick your brain. Use your non-dominant hand, take a different route to work, do things differently that you are accustomed to doing. By altering your routine you trick your brain into allowing you to feel as if time is slowing down. That is exactly what is happening to me, BUT I DON”T WANT TIME TO SLOW DOWN! I want it to speed up so I can get out of this valley faster. Everything I’m doing now is different. New place to live, new path to work, new experience of being alone, new silence that echoes through my townhouse, new route to work, new identity, new routine. Everything is new at the moment and that is causing time to go really slllllllllllllooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww. I want the opposite. It feels like I’ve been in September for the last 75 days. I know that might sound ridiculous and some people might be jealous of my perception of time, but I dont like it. (I’m sure Earth, Wind, and Fire would love that.) It’s a good thing I don’t have a life remote control because I shoot ahead to 2026 or 2027 in a heartbeat just to speed the process up. Yes I realize how unwise and how selfish that would be but I’m dreaming. I’m also trying to be very honest and vulnerable with you readers. I know that “This too shall pass.” While that direct quote is not the Bible It’s taken in part from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. There is a time for everything. There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Right now I’m somewhere inside of all those verses, though I’m not exactly sure where. I just know that I’m in a very specific time for a very specific season. This season SUCKS but I’m trying to regain my Peace and Joy in the midst of it. Those endeavors are a process that takes time. I get in trouble in life when I try to help God out by speeding it up on my volition. I usually wind up making everything worse when I take it upon myself to fix things. I just need to be patient, wait and trust God. God has gotten me out of plenty of jams in the past and I have no doubt that He will continue to do so in the future. I just have to wait. I HATE waiting. I’m a walking contradiction aren’t I? But that’s OK. Today was better than yesterday, yesterday was better than the day before. If I do things right, tomorrow will be better than today. That’s the plan anyways.
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