I patted myself on the back a few times because I thought that was a clever title. I was touched and honored by having some dear friends reach out to me letting me know that I wasn’t alone. That did encourage me and I was very appreciative. But fishing for encouragement was not the reason why I started re-writing this blog. This is good therapy for me. I know this is a season that I must trudge through alone. God is with me. Sometimes I feel his presence deeply, sometimes I feel like I’m walking alone. It’s that old “Footprints” poem I guess. I know that God is faithful. And I am also NOT trying to blame anyone for my current state of being. I brought this all upon myself. I think it’s made worse because this is not my first rodeo, Unfortunately. During my first divorce I didn’t start the healing process until I started to look in the mirror and took accountability for my actions. That was a very difficult day 20 years ago in which I still remember as vividly as if it were yesterday. Instead I’m trying to get ahead of things and looking in the mirror now. It’s so easy to blame other people when you run into problems. You can justify almost any poor behavior if you try hard enough. It says in Proverbs 21:2: A man's ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart. God sees through all of our excuse making. We cannot justify our poor actions to him. We can lie to ourselves, yes, but God sees through that.
So why even write if I’m not trying to justify my actions or have people feel sorry for me? I don’t need or deserve anyone’s pity. I believe I’m called to write to show the world my fallibility as a believer in Christ. I am not perfect, yet many in the church put off non-believers by pretending that we are or are close to it. My mantra for years is that church should be a hospital not a museum. Too many people of faith hide their struggles for various reasons. I think that standoffishness (is that word?) isolates the non-believer into thinking they might not be worthy or capable of forgiveness. Yet here I am exposing my warts to the world. I screwed up and now I’m paying the penalty for my choices. God warned me before I gave into temptation but I was so wrapped up in my sin that I did not pay proper heed. So now I’m faced with the tall task of climbing the hill of righteousness again but this time from the deepest valley. Yes I know that I’m forgiven. It says in Micah 7:8-9 “Do not rejoice over me, my enemy; When I fall, I will arise; When I sit in darkness, The LORD will be a light to me. I will bear the indignation of the LORD, Because I have sinned against Him, Until He pleads my case And executes justice for me. He will bring me forth to the light; I will see His righteousness.” So I know that I know that I know that I’m forgiven yet there is still the consequence I must pay for my sin. Coincidentally (or maybe by divine providence) I just finished the life of David and Psalms in my Through the Bible in a year Chronological plan. I can so relate to King David in so many ways. He was a man after God’s own heart (Like I feel that I am) yet he still struggled with his addictions like I have. The Psalms spoke to me in very profound ways as I studied them.
When I need to talk to God and self-actualize, I often stand in front of my mirror to pray. This forces me to be self-aware and honest with myself. Sometimes it’s hard facing myself. But this is my tool that I use for God to speak clearly and immediately to me. So as I was crying out to God this morning as I stared in the mirror I felt a very specific impression. That even though my circumstances might not change right away, that God would still be my Analgesic. I wasn’t even exactly sure what that word meant and if it was being used correctly. I thought that isn’t God’s voice, it certainly must be mine. I haven’t been hearing God too clearly lately and that has been frustrating. But then that still small voice said, Look it up if you don’t believe me. So I did. My friend Chat GPT explains: An analgesic is a medication or substance that reduces or relieves pain. It works by blocking pain signals in the nervous system or by altering the body's perception of pain. So that is exactly what I need at the moment. I am praying for my circumstances to change but I can’t control my circumstances, I can only control how I respond to my circumstances. Yet even though my circumstances are the same as yesterday, God is the substance that can and is reducing/blocking my emotional pain. Nothing changed physically in my life but God provided the spiritual Analgesic to help today feel a little better. The encouraging notes from my dear friends also helped.
I’m reminded of the great line in the film Shadowlands given by Anthony Hopkins as he portrayed C.S. Lewis. “I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time—waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God, it changes me.” while C.S. Lewis never spoke these exact words, the themes were picked up and eloquently written by screenwriter William Nicholson. So the more I pray the more God meets me. Prayer might not always fix my situation but it fixes me in order to adapt to my situation. That has been true in my life time and time again. Psalm 37:4 which I recite often says “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” What I’ve found and experienced time and again, that the desires of your heart can change and align with God’s will. Sometimes he has something even better than the desires of your own heart.
So why I am laying myself open, bare and vulnerable to the world by posting this publicly? I do so because I know (even though I might not feel it presently) that God is faithful. Even though I am sometimes not. I know that I know that I know, that All things work together for good for those who believe and are called according to His purpose. So once I get through this hell (however long that will take) I have “Good” on the back end waiting on me. So I am writing this from the pit of despair (although it is better than yesterday, and yesterday was better than the day before) knowing that God will see me through this. I write this as a future testimony to God’s faithfulness when I will be through this. “Though He slay me, still I will trust in Him.”-Job 13:15.
No comments:
Post a Comment