A Happy Day....Finally

 Finally a day with happiness.  I guess you could say I was due.  I'm learning to live or better survive without happiness which is a weird thing to say or think about.  Instead I’m leaning into the pursuit of Peace and Joy (much to the chagrin of our US forefathers with their Life, Liberty and pursuit of Happiness thing).  The US sometimes thinks it a rite of passage to be happy and people think they have license to do whatever they want to obtain said happiness.   When you think about it, Happiness is so elusive, temporal and circumstantial.  Joy is more constant, sustainable and not based on external fluid circumstances.  Joy is just more solid.  You might not get the highest highs of happiness but you also won’t get the lowest of lows.  I heard TD Jakes once preach, “Don’t let your highs get too high or your lows get too low.”  So maybe Joy can be considered the psychological prozac of this era of happiness.  Im sure I’ve probably offended some people with that last comment.  I equate Joy as a long railroad trip around Disneyland/world which lasts 20-30 minutes.  It’s slower paced but still enjoyable as opposed to 2-3 minute thrill of Space Mountain.  (As I age, I can’t stand being thrown around in the dark.Roller Coasters are quickly losing their appeal, especially wooden ones)  Also there is usually an hour wait for the 2-3 minute thrill ride and usually no wait for the slower and sustainable train ride.  So in my theme park math Train Ride=Joy, Roller Coaster=Happiness.  So I’m pulling for Joy in my life as opposed to happiness.  

With that preamble out of the way, Today I was happy! Yes it was circumstantial, and unfortunately it’s not sustainable for the moment. I’m praying the sustainability part can change with a miracle.  It was my weekend with my girls.   Well ⅔ of the girls actually.  My eldest is quickly becoming a teenager.  I didn’t want to force her to visit as she had social plans with her new High School friends.  I’ll be able to see her a bit on Sunday.  Growing up with children change happens so slowly you don’t even notice it.  You do notice when you look back at pictures and wonder where the time has gone.  When I see the girls only 2-3 weekends a month I see distinct changes.  They are growing up so fast. My eldest is becoming so adult like while my youngest into a tween.  The middle, is still right in the middle.   It’s a bit bittersweet seeing the contrast every time I see them again.  Here just this week in my blog I was wishing for time to speed up.  But now that the girls are with me, I want it to slow down.  I’m a living, breathing, walking contradiction.  I love these girls.  I loved my family but things have changed.  I have to learn to adapt, at least temporarily (I hope and pray). 

I’ve been so encouraged by the many responses I’ve felt from friends/acquaintances as I detail my personal failures and travails.  Yet I had one dear friend reach out and chastise (at least that’s what it felt like) me for openly pining/praying for reconciliation instead he suggested I focus on repentance.  Haven’t I been doing that all along?   Can’t both be done at the same time.  It just rubbed me the wrong way.  He was assuming I haven’t taken the necessary steps he advocated me to do.  So instead of questioning how I was he offered opinions on how I should behave without asking clarifying questions first.  OK, that got me in a negative track, back to happiness and the good mood.  I’m kind of freestyling stream of consciousness style in this blog.  Im happy right at this moment.  Im positive, hopeful, joyful and peaceful. I know it won’t last.  Yet I’m enjoying riding the crest of this wave as I hang ten towards the beach of reality.  Jesus spoke in metaphors, so can I.   

The girls are asleep in their rooms as I write this so I’m not taking any time away from them.  It also doesn’t hurt that I have my dog as well.  He’s curled up in the chair next to me as close as he can get while I write this.  He’s patiently waiting for me to go to bed so he can cuddle up to sleep.  He likes to use my bicep as a pillow or curl up between my arm and chest (He’s 10lbs so he fits.).  

I gave the girls the option for dinner.  We could go home for leftover Olive Garden pasta from last week or Red Robin cheesburgers.  They enthusiastically chose the latter which I heartily also endorsed.  I had a free Birthday Burger so I didn’t want it to go to waste.  My youngest wanted to go for the free balloon.  My middle wanted the unlimited salads (as opposed to unlimited fries).  One of things i’ve done for years with my children is thing we call Best Part/Worst Part.  At dinner time, usually, we go around the family and share the Best and Worst part of our days with each other.  It’s a tangible way for us all to experience each other’s lives in a vicarious way.  My middle child brought it up at dinner.  When it came to my turn, I was so happy to say that the best part of my day was “Right Now.”   I’m learning to live without happiness and still be content in God’s mercy, grace and provision.  But every once in awhile it sure feels good to be happy again.