Well I had two good/not so horrible days in a row. Now I start a new streak tomorrow. How is that for an optimistic way of saying I had a bad day. Again, I’m trying to be vulnerable right now, but I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m trying to be transparent because society conditions us to put on masks of accomplishment hiding any vulnerabilities that we might have. I’m here to help lead the charge that it’s ok to share weakness. If the world did more of showing vulnerability, maybe we could share more empathy with each other rather than compete with each other. If you are hurting, lonely, depressed you are not alone. There are millions of us out there in that same situation but we’ve been conditioned to hide it. This isolates us in thinking that we are the only one with the problem(s) and everyone else out there is normal or has it better than us. I used to be so obsessed with what people thought of me. My insecurities stole my Peace and Joy. Now, partially because of my age and spiritual walk I’m not that interested in what people might think of me. Sure I want to be liked, who doesn’t? But that’s not my overriding factor anymore. Not caring what others think helps me be insecure about much bigger things that matter, like loneliness, rejection and heartache. (That was kind of a joke) But even those things can be given over to God. God’s curious timing. Today in my Through the Bible in a Year plan, I was on Ecclesiastes 3. Here’s the text so you don’t have to look it up. Ecclesiastes 3: There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
So right now I think it’s ok for me to have a time to weep and to heal. I still have Time to Hope as well. It’s the right time for me to be alone. I might not like it, but my preferences haven’t been factored into the situation. It’s the right time for heart ache and loneliness. This is a distinct season which I am going through right at this moment. I looked into the storm as it approached me and is now encompassing me on all sides. I can stand firm knowing that soon (Lord I hope it’s very soon) The season of despair will be over and be replaced with a Time to Laugh, a Time to Embrace, and a Time to Love again. I know it’s coming. I just have to withstand this storm as it rages on every side of me. There will be times like the last two days where the sun light will break through the dark clouds and offer a respite like my daughter and I saw yesterday. Then those rays of sunshine will be engulfed again by the storm. I’ll just withstand knowing that the storm will not knock me down as long as I’m prepared and brace myself for the impact. Things will get better, I know that I know that I know that it will. God is faithful and He ALWAYS keeps his promises. It’s the details of exactly “How” they will get better that still are to be determined.
I’m in such a weird headspace right. I’m in limbo land. I’m not married, but I’m not divorced either. What am I? Well, legally I’m separated. But what about emotionally and psychologically. I don’t know what I am. I just know that I’m a child of God and a father. Everything else is up for debate. I’m in limbo without a clear definition of my status. I’ll be in limbo for at least the next 10 months unless a miracle happens. I’m all for praying for miracles too. That’s why I want time to fly by. I wish I could transport to the future. The pain I feel is a bit like the pain the Jim Carrey character felt in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” In that film, the brilliant screenwriting Charlie Kaufman created a world where Jim Carrey could surgically erase part of his memory that included his EX so that his heartache from a bad break up would go away. Then at the end he changed his mind (Uh-Oh spoiler alert) knowing that that pain is necessary for growth to occur. While I certainly fantasize about ways that my heartache can be alleviated, I know that it’s not rational or feasible. I could drink it away or self medicate again but that only makes the pain return at a delayed time with even stronger repurcussions. Plus it’s not like the past years have been horrible. Up until about a half year ago it was the best 15 years of my life. I miss those good years. I’m an old man on my lawn longing for the good old days. Everytime they would get together my late father and his younger brother Tim, my late uncle would reminisce about the Good old days of Connellsville PA and their youth. Single and without kids that is all my Uncle had, the memories of the good old days. My uncle was a grown up Hippie who lived his life according to his terms until the day he died. Although the last few years my Uncle did embrace God and his spiritual side like the way he was raised. My father lived quite the opposite life devoted to family. He occasionally would miss the good old days as well but he also had the attitude that he was currently living in the present “Good Now Days.” Two perspectives of Emerson’s Road Less Traveled. My Uncle took the path on the left while my father took the path on the right figuratively, literally, spiritually and politically.
So I know I had the “Good Old Days.” Certain days I wake up thinking this is all a bad dream and I’ll wake up soon. Then I have to embrace the reality. Reality sometimes sucks. I don’t think Solomon wrote that in Ecclesiastes: A time for Awesomeness and a Time for Suckitude. Ha, I thought I just made that word up “Suckitude” but I did not get the red squiggle line underneath it indicating it was a misspelled word. So curiosity got me, and it is actually a word.
Noun
suckitude (uncountable)
(colloquial, informal) The condition, quality, extent, or measure of how much something or someone sucks; suckiness.
Derived terms
Well…Its not in Webster’s Dictonary but it is in Urban Dictionary and that’s good enough for me.
Let me use it in a sentence. Today was filled with Suckitude. I can embrace today because I know tomorrow will be better. I’m healthy, fit, have a good career, a house over my head, children that love me and are healthy. I have a lot to be happy about even with the occasional Suckitudinal day.
No comments:
Post a Comment