What a difference a day makes. Many of you reached out in concern for me and it is genuinely appreciated. I’m not writing this blog for sympathy, although heart-felt connections are really appreciated. Rather I’m reaching out to show my fallibility and vulnerability. We so rarely see that anymore, especially from the church. So maybe that’s why I’m writing this to overcorrect a market inefficiency. I was listening to a pod cast earlier today, (The Holy Post with Phil Vischer amongst others) and it echoes those very sentiments. I try to be brutally honest not only with myself but with people I speak with. I have failed, I have sinned, and now all this separation and pain can be construed in part as a result of my failures. I don’t think it would be prudent to get into the details of what I exactly did in this forum, but it’s been a life-long struggle along the lines of having a process addiction. It does say in Proverbs 28:13 “He who hides his transgression shall not prosper; but he who confesses his sins and forsakes them, God will have mercy upon him.”
Perhaps this blog is my way of taking accountability. I don’t think the exact specifics of my failures are relevant here, but those who know me best, know the specifics because I confessed openly to them. So now is the part where I hope that God will have mercy upon me. He has been, is, and will be merciful. Part of my recent frustration is that I have not been hearing from God clearly. I used to have these amazing conversations with God. Don’t call the Looney Bin on me yet. I believe we’re placed on this earth fellowship with God. God doesn’t speak to me aloud, but rather in a still small voice. Some might interpret that small voice as their conscience, higher power or God. That still small voice I thought I’ve been hearing has been so distant recently. Perhaps my sin muted that voice. Thus the one set of footprints in the sand. I have learned that when God is trying to speak to you, that He will speak to you in 2-3 different ways to make sure that you can understand that it is Him/God speaking to you. That’s been the case countless times in my life. So part of my despair yesterday and the days preceding it has been me crying out to God for comfort and mercy in the midst of my desert. I haven’t heard back as it has been a one way conversation. Even when I look in the mirror (which in times past has been my Hotline to connect with God to hear from him) has been coming up silent. Now God has given me distinct impressions over the past few months. But to this point it has been all talk/impressions and no action, no confirmations. I’ve gone through these fallow periods previously.
That all changed in a big way earlier today. Remember that God speaks in a still small voice sometimes, well sometimes God uses a megaphone. He uses other people to speak for him. A dear old friend from Evangel College reached out to me today. I was a little hesitant to speak to him because I didn’t want to have to confess my transgressions yet again. Yet when I connected with him, my friend was God’s megaphone. Here I haven’t spoken with this friend in nearly 35 years and he echoed what God has been speaking into my life for the past year. God used my friend as a megaphone to make sure I was hearing Him correctly and accurately. I should have been recording it. I am so grateful that my friend was obedient to God’s voice to reach out to me. I am so greatly encouraged that the voice I had in my head of encouragement was not solely my voice but God continuously trying to speak through me. Those words my friend shared were God’s confirmation that I was indeed hearing His (God’s) voice clearly. Now that doesn’t mean everything in my life is now miraculously healed, redeemed and back to normal. Nothing circumstantially has changed in my life. Rather my perspective has changed. If God has been trying to encourage me, which at times I’ve doubted, my friend reaching out and confirming God’s voice in my life gives me the hope I need. If God is with me in the dark spots then I can rely upon Him to lift me up to the brighter spots. I’ve prayed this prayer from Psalm 40 probably a hundred times in the past year.
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in Him.
Those words in my prayers, amongst many other prayers, I thought were rising helplessly into the ether and not reaching any it’s destination. I think we’ve all gone through periods of doubting whether our prayers are actually making a difference. Yet my friend reaching out tells me that God has indeed been hearing my cries. I’ve cried out plenty to God recently. So that gave me hope. I will indeed get myself out of the mess I placed myself in and emerge victorious. I was doubting that heavily before today. God realized my mental state and knew I needed a word of encouragement, a pick me up and that word came in a loud powerful way today. It told me that God has indeed heard my cries. God has been tracking all my tears into his bottle.
Psalm 40 says:
You have taken account of my miseries;
Put my tears in Your bottle.
Are they not in Your book?
9
Then my enemies will turn back on the day when I call;
This I know, [o]that God is for me.
10
In God, whose word I praise,
In the Lord, whose word I praise,
11
In God I have put my [p]trust, I shall not be afraid.
What can mankind do to me?
One of the promises I always lean upon is Romans 8:28: “All things work together for good for those who believe and are called according to His spirit.” I’ve doubted that sometimes, often recently. Maybe my transgressions are too much for God to overcome this time? Maybe I sinned one too many times? After the call from my friend, I know that to be NOT true. Now there seems to be three sets of footprints in the sand.
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