I had a really nice weekend. Having my girls is a mixed blessing. It makes me so less lonely being with them. But it’s also bittersweet as it reminds me what it was like when I was with them full time and I obviously miss that. I took so many things for granted in the past thinking Love lasts forever. Why can’t I just be happy and count my blessings for the present instead of longing for yesterday. I’m sure I will get there eventually but this is a process. My wife was kind enough to let me have the dog until Tuesday. Usually I go through a mild depression when I drop the girls off. But having the dog here is soothing. It helps the come down seem less drastic.
I was also greatly encouraged by church today. It seemed as if the preacher Bryan Lorritts from the Summit had been following me around the past six months and wrote a specific sermon exactly for my present situation. The title of the message is/was how to be a Godly sinner. The gist was how God uses our failures to advance His Kingdom. Here’s the link in case any of you might be interested: https://summitchurch.com/message/how-to-be-a-godly-sinner It’s also probably not a coincidence that I just got through this passage a few weeks ago in my “Through the Bible in a year” chronological reading plan.
I feel compelled to share my struggles with this blog because it makes me feel better about myself. This is my way of journaling. I love being creative and this fills that need. I also love to inspire others. Maybe this is helping a few people as I’m trying to be extremely forthright with my fallibility. Pastor Bryan said one line that hit me like an uppercut, “Maybe your divorce will save someone else from divorce.” I don’t know if I’m getting a second divorce, I certainly hope not. But I know that there are a few people that reached out to me during the first iteration of this blog and admitted to me that I helped save their marriage. They saw the ugliness that I went through the first time, and learned from my mistakes. Why couldn’t I learn from the first time and not be in this same nearly identical position? Excellent question. I believe I’ve taken the necessary steps for growth to break my negative patterns. Now the question is, is it a Little too little a little too late? Thank you Pat Benatar…I’m a little too hurt and there’s nothing…OK, I’ll listen to the rest of the song later. (I know my little sister will smile when she reads that).
I was encouraged. The sermon was all about David and his moral failures and despite all that he was still a man after God’s own heart. Is there hope for me because there was for David? I’ve always liked to think of myself as a man after God’s own heart. I’ve also always thought that David was an Addict. I don’t have any scriptural proof or theology to back that up, It’s just a hunch. But looking at all the evidence and his Son Solomon’s 900 wives and concubines, I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to connect the dots. I just see the extremes of David’s behaviors as he writes out the Psalms. The way the behavior swings from adoration, to repentance to shame to despair. I can relate to so many aspects of this. This past week just gives me hope that God indeed has a plan in all of this. I know God is using multiple modes of communication to speak to me. I just have to wait. I hate waiting. That’s why I never prayed for patience. It would be nice if life was like Neo from the Matrix and we could just download all the fruits of the spirit instantly without having to endure the work or the growth to earn/obtain it.
I’m not sure if I should mention this next part or not…OK, too late, I suppose I could delete it later. Something happened to me today that affected me in a profound way. First off, I’m the most naive and gullible person in the world. OK, I know that’s an exaggeration as there is some guy in Idaho that is more gullible than me. This isn’t a humble brag, it’s an admission of naivete and weakness. If you told me my picture was in the dictionary with description of gullible, I’d ask what was the reference R for Rick, B for Beeman or G for gullible, or is it cross-referenced for all 3? I’ve often wondered why I’m so gullible. Is it because I was raised in the church and we are taught to just accept our faith without questioning it? Since I’ve been destroyed emotionally a few times, I have become tainted slightly with cynicism and jaded a bit. But still I’m a sucker. So I’m a little embarrassed mentioning this because I am so gullible. But when I dropped the kids off with their mother I stayed by the car. The closer I get to the house the more it hurts emotionally. Their mother waved and smiled. I thought she was waving at my youngest but she had eye contact with me. I think we’ve all done that scene from Swingers and Vince Vaughn, when you think someone is waving at you, you wave back only to find they were actually waving at someone next to you. So after I confirmed her wave was for me, I awkwardly waved and smiled back. I was not prepared for that. I was just ready to return into my emotional shell like a turtle. But upon reflection that simple gesture made my day if not my week. I’m not sure if that rush of hope that I felt spoke more about my foolishness and making something out of nothing or fueled my sense of false hope. I’m sure I was making something out of nothing. I don’t know what it was and again, I’m embarrassed for bringing it up. It did affect me in a manner I wasn’t expecting. I’m such a sucker sometimes and a vulnerable one sometimes, thus I’m sharing it all with you. So you can be vicariously vulnerable with me. I’m sure I’m reading way too much into this. OK. The only thing I can do, and will do at this point is Seek First the Kingdom of God and God will handle all the details. I just have to keep reminding myself of that promise.
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