I think part of my struggles right now is my self-perception. I was born and raised in the church. I was also blessed to be raised by two loving parents. They weren’t perfect parents but they stayed married for 63 years and did the best they could. I always knew they loved and supported me. I’ve always felt the most important part of being a parent is for Dad to love Mom and Mom to love Dad. That gives the child a sense of security. It also is way for parents to model Christ’s love for the church. That is why I feel like a failure as a parent right now. I couldn’t give my kids the basic security that my parents gave me. Another struggle I have now, is that I grew up very judgemental. Because my parents modeled so much stability in their marriage I knew they would never ever leave each other. They were rock solid and I never worried about them leaving each other. I don’t remember them fighting with each other either. The worst it got is my mom would get upset at my father and he would look rather sheepish and look down. But for the most part they were a team doing their best to raise me and my sisters in a house primarily filled with love. Because of that whenever I met a divorced person I always judged them for their lack of character in my estimation. I’m not saying that I was right in judging them, I just did it because I didn’t know any better. Then whenever I met someone that was divorced more than once, I thought even less of them. Now I’m having to walk through my own self-condemnation. I hate that. I did not choose either of these situations but I’m forced to react and adapt. Yes, I did make choices that led to both spouses feeling like they had no other choice but to leave me. I wish I could go back in time and do it all differently. But woulda, coulda, shoulda’s don’t do me any good right now. I need to own my mistakes, and that is the difficult part for me. It’s a process. I know that condemnation does not come from God but from the enemy. I’ll have to work through this.
I think the important thing for me and all those people I judged through the years is context. I was so quick to judge others without understanding the context of what they may or may not have been through. I’m kind of ashamed of the self-righteousness of my youth. I just didn’t know any better. Viewing things in context I think is a must for everyone. It helps explain so much. I think I might have mentioned this story years ago but it certainly helped reframe the way I look at people.
I taught elementary school as a Drama specialist 5 years ago. There was this one 5 year old Kindergartener I’ll call Johnny (Not his real name). Simply put, Johnny was a terror. I dreaded the day I had him in the rotation to teach. He was just wild. You might be thinking how much damage could a 5 year old actually do? That’s what I thought. But Johnny had this uncanny ability to rile up all the other 5 year olds in the class. And for the 50 minutes I had him it was just pure undisciplined mayhem as I begged, pleaded, cajoled, and demanded that he at least sit down and be quiet. No matter what tactic or strategy I used, it was unsuccessful. Johnny was an emotional and psychological whirlwind. Think of the Tasmanian Devil from the Bugs Bunny cartoons only in a behavioral form. I was at my wit’s end. I didn’t know what to do with this kid. After exhausting all my options I finally called his mother. I explained Johnny’s behavior to her, my strategies to get him to alter that behavior and asked her for her assistance. Johnny’s mother took a deep breath and agreed that Johnny had been difficult recently. She explained that Johnny’s father was killed a few months back and ever since then Johnny has been acting out severely. She did not know how to curb his behavior either as he was acting out at home as well. At that moment the anvil of shame hit me like a Mike Tyson uppercut. I felt horrible for judging this poor five year old boy. In an instant I understood the context behind Johnny’s actions and his behavior made perfect sense. No wonder he’s acting out. This poor kid is hurting and doesn’t know how to process any of it. My frustration turned to empathy as I felt Johnny’s pain. I felt like the biggest jerk in the world. The next day, I had someone else watch my class as I took Johnny aside. I got down on a knee so I could be on Johnny’s level. I explained that I understood the pain that he must be going through. I’ve never lost a parent so I didn’t exactly know what he was going through. I made myself available to him, if he ever wanted to talk to me, hang out, or have lunch with me, I’d be available to him. As I was speaking, I started to cry which really surprised me. Johnny did not know how to process or respond to what I was saying. He didn’t have eye contact with me whatsoever. From that point on, Johnny was a different person. He wasn’t perfect but he was calmer. Somebody heard and acknowledged his pain. Someone validated his feelings. From that point forward the outbursts were sometimes there but now muted somewhat. How I responded to those outbursts was completely different. I understood the context which allowed me to have grace, sympathy and understanding. Instead of inflaming the situation it was now being defused. One of the most important life lessons ever came from a 5 year old boy taught to a 50 year old teacher. Everyone has a back story. Everyone has context behind their behavior. From that point til now, I no longer first look at the behavior, instead I look at the actions before which might have caused that behavior. This allows me to humanize people rather than de-humanize and categorize their behavior negatively. I try not to judge people, I try to understand them now. I need to give myself that same grace. There is context to my behaviors. I can’t go too far and justify my actions. It says in Proverbs that “A man’s ways is right in his own mind, but God weighs the heart.” It’s so easy to justify everything that we do and blame others for our shortcomings. It’s also so easy to self-condemn everything we do. There is a fine line of acceptance, repentance and grace that needs to be found for growth. Some days I’m better at finding that line, sometimes it’s harder to see. I have many people in my life helping me see that line and helping to validate me. I’m deeply appreciative of them. There will be Peace, Love, and Joy in my life again. I just have to make it through the rest of the storm in the meantime and not be so hard on myself. It will happen, that much I’m certain.
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