Birthday Blah…This is going to be raw and unfiltered. Although I appreciate all the well-wishes from the dozens/hundreds of friends from all over the world, Today still kinda sucked. It was kinda ok, but mostly it sucked. Being completely self-aware, I’m feeling sorry for myself. If you choose to read on, be forewarned. Now I could do the whole Joel Osteen thing and focus on what I have, not what I don’t have. That works sometimes/most of the time but I just don’t feeling like doing it today. I feel like wallowing in the muck and mire and I’m not sure if that is a bad or a good thing. There is a time for everything right. Isn’t there a time for being lonely and being a curmudgeon? Or is that antithetical to Christ’s teaching? I just know that journaling about it makes me feel better. It makes me feel less alone, like I have someone to talk with at the end of the day about my day. I haven’t had that for a long time, so maybe this blog is soothing and meeting that need. So if you are part of this outlet for me, please know that you are appreciated.
I woke up with a dog that loves me, so that’s good. But as soon as I got to school the day went off the rails. I like routine and things were off routine. Pretty much everything that could go wrong was going wrong. I remember thinking vividly at 9:15 as I was scrambling to enact and back up plan to the back up plan. I thought “This sucks.” Now nothing tragic came about because of my bad day. It was just frustrating. Just 12 hours earlier I was pontificating about Peace and Joy, and here I was scrambling to find any semblance of that. I wouldn’t say things got better but they were endurable. The third back up plan worked. I was just in a cranky mood. Wasn’t I supposed to be a good mood on my birthday. I had a couple of students approach me as they tried justifying have their cell phones out. Mr. Beeman, I’m just having a hard day they would plead. Me too was my succinct retort. I didn’t want to tell any of my students, co-workers that “Hey, It’s my Birthday.” They would then just have to feign enthusiasm with a semi sincere remark. Boy I feel like the Birthday grinch.
The good part is that I was able to see all three girls today. I was also able to take the ⅔ of them out to a birthday steak for myself and them. I was trying to put on a happy face for their sake. They didn’t ask for any of this. My youngest, 5, gets so excited when she sees me lately. She really misses me but doesn’t have the verbal dexterity to express herself completely yet. At the steak place (I had a coupon for a free Birthday Appetizer) My youngest kept hugging me. She couldn’t keep herself from hugging my arm, touching my head or wanting to sit in my lap. Even though she was right next to me in the booth, she couldn’t get close enough. I remember being somewhat annoyed as she kept bumping into my elbow as I was trying to eat my salad. I did not say anything and tried reframe to the narrative like I did with Little Johnny whom I mentioned a few days ago. This precious little one misses me so much but she does not know how to articulate it. Her world has been turned upside down and she doesn’t realize the exact extent just yet. She only knows that she misses her daddy and if somehow she can physically get close enough to me maybe that security would return to her. She is hurting and reaching out. Physical hugs sometime work but she and I needed an emotional hug. It broke my heart then and now. If she wanted to keep bumping into me all dinner long I would let her. I hate hate hate that my girls have to go through this.
I had such a wide range of emotions going through my head all day long. If emotions were like blades on a fan, it seems that mine were spinning at airplane velocity speeds. I went from sad, to lonely, to angry, to bitter, to acceptance then the cycle would quickie repeat. Where was all the peace and joy that I experienced yesterday? Was it as simple as just feeling sorry for myself? Is self-pity a sin. If it is, then this sin is no fun. Being angry and self-pity won’t do me any good. So I’ll try not to let them accompany me tomorrow.
You might think, why am I bellyaching? I had my girls and my favorite meal. While all that is true, the love that I was experiencing from my daughters just left me wanting more. It made me miss what I used to have. I miss holding hands, randomized hugs, affirmations, compliments, kisses on the cheek. I miss relational intimacy, not sexual intimacy (though I miss that too) I miss the intimacy of non-verbal communication with a partner that understands you. I miss having someone to adore, someone I can shower with attention and affection. Someone to binge watch shows with. I miss having my best friend. Now I haven’t had these things for a several years now which is one of the reason why the wheels fell off, but I still miss them. I don’t want to get used to living without them. I know intellectually what I’m going through won’t last. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that God is faithful. I know that ultimately this will work for good. I know and believe all these things to be true. It just doesn’t make the ache in my heart to be any less. Time heals all wounds especially with Christ. As I mentioned earlier, Time in healing that wound is moving at a snail’s pace right now. Hope will return soon as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow. Hope is just nowhere to be found today, despite all the birthday wishes.
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