A strange sensation just swept over me. It was familiar but I haven’t felt it in awhile. Nothing out of the ordinary happened to me today. It was the very definition of routine. Yet I had a good day. I’m still alone, I still miss my children, I still miss the family that I used to have, yet it was a good day. I’ve been wracked by guilt, self-condemnation and loneliness for months now. I didn’t feel them today. What is confounding to me is that I have hope or maybe I’ve rediscovered hope. Logic says that I shouldn’t be hopeful because nothing changed from yesterday. The only thing that I’ve been doing lately is Seeking God first and trusting him for rest. Today I felt the dividends of that. I’m not happy. That much is clear, but today I was ok not being happy. Today I was OK feeling Peace and Joy. They seem to go hand in hand. I must be doing something right. I’m not one to judge but Christ did say you will know them by their fruits. That is the litmus test to tell if someone is walking with God. Are they displaying Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness and Self-control. If they are, then that is the scorecard to know that they are living their life right. I feel those fruits right at this moment. Again, I’m separating this from happiness. I experienced this before during my first divorce and many times during my life. This is the just first time I’ve felt it in a long long time. It feels good. I have to be careful not to do anything to mess it up. When I say mess it up, it means falling back into self-medicating habits.
I'm in a very healthy routine right now. I get up in the morning and listen to my Chronological through the Bible in year plan (usually in the shower). I also listen to the commentary by a person by the name of Tara Leigh Cobble. It is great insight if you are looking for a Bible reading plan. Then I spend the next 20-25 minutes in my prayer closet in my car during my commute to work. When I run out of things to pray about I spend the time in prayer and worship. That really puts me in a good frame of mind to teach. I try to stay in the spirit of prayer throughout my day sending missives of praise and thankfulness whenever there is a lull. I’m fortunate this year. I think I’m really getting good at the teaching thing. I never envisioned myself as a teacher, let alone enjoying but I am. I’m impacting lives and that creates a lot of fulfillment with me. What I love is that several of my students are taking the initiative and developing tools and passions on their own. They are inspired and going the extra mile to create. I’m so very proud of them. In a way I’m doing it to be lazy. The students are now taking responsibility and training up the other students. I have to manage them, almost like an Executive Producer. It’s great for the students that are leading the way because it creates a lot of leadership and growth experience. It also means less work for me and I can focus on other educational things. The main thing is they are having fun learning, at least most of them. By having fun they take the initiative and work harder creating great work. We have an audience of 2000+ students which we produce content for everyday.
Not all students are inspired. The ones that aren’t are easy to identify. I’ve spent so much time teaching acting I’ve developed a few tricks. It’s easy for me to read body language when I focus on it. Up to 85% of communication is non-verbal. 15 % of communication uses words with the bulk made up of Body Language and Tone. I show off for the students, sometimes reading/guessing their thoughts. I’m usually very accurate. All it takes is just to watch and observe. People’s words sometimes betray their actions. That’s why it’s interesting to have students that hate me or really dislike me and/or my classes. There are always a few each semester that don’t jive with me. I try to love them all. The challenge for me is to get past their obvious distaste for me and/or the course that I teach and offer them the same educational opportunities. It’s a term called differentiation. Chat GPT explains it like this: Differentiated instruction is the practice of designing lessons so that students of varying abilities, learning styles, and readiness levels can all access the material meaningfully. So I have to give the same curriculum to those that love it and those that dislike it. Some people take that opportunity and some people refuse. I still endeavor to give them the tools they need to be successful whether they like me or my classes or not.
One thing my first divorce taught me, I will not base my self-worth on the opinion of others. That is the definition of co-dependence. I’ve also learned not to base my identity on things I can’t control, like entertainment figures, sports teams, political causes, money, sex, love (Im still working on that one). My identity needs to be in Christ/my faith. That’s where the verse from Matthew 7: 24-27: 24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
Jesus isn’t talking about building your house. He’s talking about where you can place your identity. When I was a kid, I was a HUGE sports fan. I lived and died with the Oakland Raiders. They were my idols/modern day Golden Calf. When they were winning, I felt great about myself but when they lost I was devastated. Imagine if my identity was based on the Raider today? I would seriously need a lot of medication, they are awful yet again.
During my first marriage, my identity was totally wrapped up in what my first wife thought of me. I thought that was the right thing to do. After all shouldn’t a husband love his wife with all his heart, mind and soul? You see that’s where I made my big mistake. My wife became my God. When she loved me it was great. But when she didn’t, I was devastated. Even though I was a Christian my misplaced priorities left me without an identity. A house built on the sand. I brought that knowledge into my second marriage which had its own shares of strife. Yet when things weren’t going well in the marriage, I had my identity in Christ to fall back on so I wasn’t emotionally or psychologically devastated. That worked for a long time until I went off course and started self-medicating. When you fall into Sin all bets are off and you are on your own. You are out from under God’s protection. I learned that the hard way, again, and again, and again. I think I’ve learned my lesson this time, but that doesn’t mean I won’t stumble again. Instead I’ve learned to be obedient and put my faith unconditionally in the Lord. That is where my Peace and Joy are coming from right now and they are my gateway to Hope. I want to be sure to keep them around for the long haul. I don’t feel so lonely today and it feels great.
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