Hope to Despair in less than 60 seconds

I had such a weird sensation come over me tonight.  It probably wasn’t very healthy but Im not sure what is mentally normal anymore.  I came home from a good but unspectacular day of teaching.  The teaching aspect of my life is really going well as I’m embracing my identity as a professional.  I have the ability to impact so many lives and I am.  That’s why I got into the film/tv industry in the first place.  I wanted to impact as many lives as possible.  Instead of doing that in the thousands/tens of thousands/millions, I’m doing it by the dozens or maybe hundreds.  That is OK.  The most profound influence I have is on my children but because of my present circumstance my direct influence is being somewhat diluted because of time and distance.  I only get to see them a fraction of the time I would normally get to see them.  But I’m still trying to make the best of it by driving them to practice and appointments on certain days.  Even though it’s only a few minutes it is better than zero minutes. My youngest is always so excited to see me by running to me and giving me giant hugs.   I need to look on the positives that my daughters are beautiful on the inside and out and just a joy to be around.  I miss them so.  

So I got back home after dropping the dog back to the girls.  I felt selfish keeping him.  Little girls need their dog.  So as I was coming back home after a workout, I felt unusually hopeful.  Why was I so filled with hope?  Nothing extraordinary happened. I didn’t do anything different and nothing in my circumstances changed, but I was still filled with hope.  Maybe that was a spiritual thing.  Then just a half hour later a dark depression fell over me.  It was like it was a clear sunny day then the storm clouds rolled in.  Inexplicably my mood changed from light to darkness. Again nothing extraordinary happened.   Why?  Are the moments of peace and joy the exception and not the rule? Or is it the opposite right now?   It was very frustrating to me.  I know that brighter days are right around the corner.  But sometimes that corner seems so distant.  I am a big believer in spiritual attacks.  I’m in the enemy’s crosshairs at the moment, this much is certain.  But I’m also quite certain that I can overcome this.  I just have to remain steadfast in my faith.  I remember listening to an old sermon by Charles Stanley.  “If you’re not bothering the devil, He won’t bother you.”  So I take encouragement in the darkness as I must be doing something good to rattle the cage of the enemy and prompt such attacks.  That helps. I have to take a step back and analyze it from a 10,000 foot level.  That is why the journal/blog is so helpful for my point of view.  It offers more spiritual clarity to me.  

I get to school quite early. I usually arrive around 6:30am.  It’s still dark outside when I arrive.  But when I was driving through the thick trees of Old Falls of Neuse Road (where there are no streetlights and windy turns) it can be quite treacherous especially during the rain like this morning.  I was reminded of the adage it’s darkest before the dawn.  That’s where I feel like I’m at, right at this moment.  I’m in the period right before the dawn breaks.  But how long will this darkness persist?  When will dawn break over the horizon?   I’m so ready for happiness again.  Now, I do have moments of peace and joy but they are intermittent.  It’s been nearly 15 months of lack of happiness for me now. There have been occasional bursts of happiness but they are intermittent.    I still remember the last time I truly felt happy.  We were on a family cruise last July 2024.  I had all my children (from first and second marriages) together minus one lone hold out.  That’s a story for another day.  It was also the first and only time I got to meet my son-in-law Kerry before he suddenly and tragically passed away just a few short months ago.  There was something magical about being on that ship together.  But as soon as we docked things started slowly unraveling for me.  The unraveling was so slow I didn’t even realize it until it was too late.  Something happened when we docked and for the life of me I don’t know what it was.  

I brought up the fact that I thought our marriage was under spiritual attack with my wife a few months back but she scoffed.  Either she didn’t believe in spiritual attacks or maybe she thought I was trying to blame my own spiritual short-comings on a spiritual entity rather than be accountable and own my sin/mistakes.  It is clear to me that my choices caused my marital rift.  As much as I’m trying, praying, hoping, pleading to fix it, I just have to come to the realization that reconciliation might not be in the cards.  It pains me to say that.  I want to get my hopes up and ride the wave of optimism and faith but certain days are harder than others.  Does that mean I don’t have enough faith?  Didn’t Jesus say if you have faith enough to move a mountain it will be done?  Getting someone to love me again enough for a second/third/fourth/innumerable chance seems easier than moving a mountain, but maybe it’s not.  Maybe the relationship is the mountain?  Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you desires of your heart.”  It’s hard to find that delight lately, but I’m searching for it.  And I know that God can change the desires of my heart to align with His will.  Prayer might not change my situation but I trust it will change me to accept my situation.  I’m an eternal optimist filled with hope sometimes, but now I feel as if the helium balloon of hope is slowly losing its buoyancy.  Tomorrow I'm sure will be a better day.  I just have to be careful not to make today or tomorrow any worse.  Right now there are only one set of footprints in the sand.  Tomorrow, hopefully there will be two sets.  Again, please don’t mistake this blog as a plea for sympathy or encouragement.  I’m just journaling my feelings.  God is faithful, I know.  So I’m trying to be quite articulate with my pain as a future testimony when God will indeed lift me out of the “Miry clay making my footsteps firm” again.  It is a bit like Babe Ruth calling his Home Run shot in the World Series in 1932.  I’m calling my shot now that God will deliver me out of this hopelessness into his abundance of peace and joy.  Now it’s just a matter of when and not if and what those exact details might look like.  I shall overcome with the strength and grace of my savior.  Of this I’m certain. 

Backward Design Prayer

 It was a good day.  That’s refreshing to say after a couple of bad days/weeks/months/years.  I’m so encouraged to have this forum to journal out my feelings.  It really is helping me.  If I can help people along the way as well…bonus.  I was talking to my therapist today.  (Im a big believer in therapy) plus the Bible says Wise is the Man that has many counselors.  He was asking me why I was writing this blog?  It’s a fair question.  I think it’s several fold for me.  When does my testimony for Christ shine the brightest,  When things are going great and I’m happy or when things are dark, depressed and lonely?  For Christian Marketing 101 it seems logical to bring people into the fold with offers of peace, prosperity, joy and happiness.  But right now something else is happening to me which is why I’m communicating my feelings as I venture through them.  I’m starting to experience Peace and Joy.  Now here is the dichotomy with that.  I’m lonely and unhappy while simultaneously experiencing Peace and Joy.  How is that even possible?  I’m not sure but I’m the living embodiment of it.  It’s like two rails of train track in my life, one is peace and the other despair both headed to the same destination (forward I hope).    God never promised we would be free from our problems but that He would be with us throughout our problems. “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  comes immediately to mind.  So I’m at this weird place of hope and despair running concurrently in my life depending on which hour of the day you catch me in.  

A couple of good things happened to me today.  My sister and her family as well as my mother came by my new place for a quick visit before they flew out of RDU.  Even though I’m not pleased with being by myself, I’m still somewhat proud of this new identity I’ve been forced to embrace.  I’m making the best of it and Trusting God to see me through the rest.  Another thing is that when I dropped the girls off yesterday, my dog Snoopy, perched himself next to my car sitting still and not moving.  It was as if he was saying, “You’re taking me with you, whether you like it or not.”  So my wife was kind enough to let me have the dog.  I do feel a little conflicted about it still.  It’s nice to come home to something that is excited to see you.  My girls were always excited to see me when I came home but now that is out of the picture for the moment, the dog is the next best thing.  I do feel a bit guilty in that I’m taking the dog away from the girls.  (They don’t seem to be too broken up about it.)  Also, with my work schedule, I’m gone from my townhome for about 14 hours a day. That time away doesn’t seem very healthy for a dog.  A cat yes, but a dog?  I’m not so sure.  But still it’s nice having something that wants to cuddle you at night.  

I probably shouldn’t mention this….OK, I guess I have to now.  I’m trying to keep this blog entirely about myself and my own journey.  But last night when I dropped the girls off I visited with my wife for a couple of minutes.  Maybe 3 total.  It was not contentious, not angry, and not overly friendly either.  It was just two wounded adults conversing in an informational manner.  I did wound her and I take complete accountability for that.  I hate myself for doing that to her.   But just being civil felt so good.  That small interaction made my day and I’ve been running off the fumes ever since.  I wouldn’t say it was a positive interaction.  Rather it was neutral or just non-negative.  I still desperately want to reconcile.  God made me in a manner where I can see even the slightest hint of a razor thin silver lining even from the most ominous dark cloud.  I’m a perpetual optimist most of the time (except for the last year).  So I welcome that optimism back if possible.  I’m perhaps too optimistic at times, some have called me Pollyanna.  Others have equated me with Ned Flanders at times (which I took as a compliment because of his faith.) Overall I’ve had more good positive years in my life than bad, so my way of thinking hasn’t been a complete disaster.  I’ve also got six wonderful children that love me.  So overall, it’s been good.  I’m also extremely hopeful that life will turn back around for me.  I’m hoping sooner rather than later.  I so appreciate the words of support I’ve been reading from you dear friends.  But again that’s not why I’m writing this.  I’m writing to encourage you and not to be encouraged.  I heard a minister once say, if you need a job, pray for someone else to get a job.  If you need to be healed, pray for another person to be healed.  If you need to reconcile your marriage, pray for another person to be reconciled.  (Right now I’m praying for two very dear friends who are going through the same emotional devastation as I am, but they probably have it worse).  So I’m praying for my friends to be reconciled, or for God to heal them from their emotional pain.  I’m not sure if that mode of praying for others is Biblical but it makes logical sense.  JOB 42:10 says “AFTER Job, prayed for his friends that God restored all that he had.”  So maybe the key to restoration is getting off the carousel of self pity and onto focusing on the needs of others.  So I need to be encouraged, so I’m writing this to encourage all of you.  I’m not sure if it is working for you…but it is sure it is encouraging me.  It’s like when I was doing missionary work in Taiwan and the Middle East.  I thought I was making an impact on the world around me, but the biggest impact was taking place within me.  

I think I came up with a term that this style is called or should be called, Backward design prayer.  I checked with Chat GPT and apparently it isn’t a thing yet.  Maybe God is revealing it to me, but I’m certain I’ve heard it somewhere before, I just don’t know who to credit.  There is an educational term called Backward Design, where you start with the end goal in mind then work backwards with the lesson plans to achieve the end goal.  I think that is how I’m praying for others to keep the focus off of myself.  Just for curiosity's sake, I asked Chat GPT for a backward design prayer for reconciliation for separated spouse.  Here is what GPT came up with:  

Step 1 – Desired End (Goal):

A restored and reconciled relationship marked by forgiveness, healing, and renewed love.

Step 2 – Evidence of Goal:

• Both hearts softened

• Willingness to forgive and communicate

• Patience and hope during the process

Step 3 – Prayer (working backward toward that end):

Prayer Example:

“Father, my deepest hope is reconciliation with my spouse, and I bring that hope to You. Begin by softening my heart and healing my wounds, so I can love with patience and grace. Please also work in my spouse’s heart, bringing peace, understanding, and openness to restoration. Guide our steps so that forgiveness becomes stronger than resentment, and communication stronger than silence. Thank You for being the source of love that can make new what feels broken. I trust the timing and outcome to You, while holding fast to the desire for our marriage to be whole again. Amen.”

Now I don’t want to give myself false hope of a reconciliation.  I hate to get my hopes up only for them to be dashed against the rocky cliffs of despair again.  But then again, where does faith come in to play?  I’m not so sure. 

I recently went to an in-person intensive rehab facility for what therapists categorize as “Process Addiction.”  Process can be defined as anything unhealthy.  But God really moved and broke me while I was there.  I’m trying to look in the mirror and take extreme accountability for all my failures as a husband and father.  It was there that God met me in yet another profound way.  Whether or not I reconcile with my wife or not, God is still on the throne.  God is still faithful if I’m separated, single or married.  God still has my best interest at heart as long I as I do what I’m supposed to do.  That faithfulness is what gives me peace and joy no matter what the outcome of my current circumstance.  I trust God.    Today was a good day. 

A Wedding I was dreading to attend

This past weekend I attended the wedding of my niece.  To say I was dreading attending would be an understatement.  It had nothing to do with the bride or groom as they made a lovely couple.  Instead I was being entirely self-centered, focused only on myself.  I hate to admit feeling sorry for myself but I’m not sure what else to call it.  I was just very sad and lonely despite being surrounded by dozens of family members who know me, love me and are aware of my situation.  I guess when you break it all down, I was envious.  I miss being loved and adored.  I was unsure how I would respond when I saw two people that were crazy in love with each other on the best day of their lives.  Maybe that makes me an insensitive, self-centered jerk.   I spent a lot of time in prayer pre-wedding crying out to God.  While I did not have a panic attack, my mind did wander into territories that were not mentally healthy.  I spent an inordinate amount of time in prayer, essentially any moment where I was alone, which was not often.  

Perhaps I should be embarrassed about my envy.  I dreaded hearing the words, “Til death do us part.” part.  I said those same words, twice now and I meant them with every fiber of my being at the time and now.  But I know it takes two to agree to marriage and only one to pull the ripcord to get out.  I’ve been on the wrong side of that ripcord at least once…maybe twice now.  Now I’m not trying to absolve myself.  Part of my humiliation is that I know I’m the common denominator in both failed marriages.  I’m not trying to blame anyone here.  My choices/actions led to decisions of my respective spouses to believe a union with me was no longer tenable.  That hurt.  I’ve played the woulda/coulda/shoulda game in my head constantly. But that is looking in the rear view mirror and is not healthy unless I want to learn from it.    I wish I would have done this and not that and then maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this out right now.  The fact is that even though I failed, I tried and fought as hard as I possibly could to save those marriages.  I spent hundreds of hours (not an exaggeration) in prayer pleading with God to change hearts and minds for reconciliation.  I guess that’s the downside of free will.  There is a line in Bruce Almighty when Bruce asks God (magnificently played by Morgan Freeman

Bruce: How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?

God: Welcome to my world, son. You can’t. That’s the fun part.

So my situation might not change but I might because God can adapt me to face my situation as much as I don’t want to do so. I’m not in control and brother/sister I like being in control.  I would do anything for a second chance other than commit a crime or betray my faith.  But alas that decision is no longer up to me on my own.  I’m powerless in this situation.  If it’s not already painfully obvious, Im sure you can see that I still desperately love my wife and miss the family I used to have.  That’s why this separation is so brutal on me.  That’s why when i looked at the Bride and Groom adoring each other by staring into the other’s eyes, I longed for days gone by that I had that same unspoken experience with my partner.  It seems so long ago now.  

So I sucked it up and went to the party.  I was fortunate enough to have my daughters with me.  Their seemingly unconditional love and acceptance of me helped me through this loneliness.  Even though I was surrounded by hundreds, I felt isolated because I no longer had that intimate partner. A thing so simple as just holding hands with someone you love.   The one that would stick with you For Better or Worse.  If you have that now with your significant one,  cherish it, protect it, nurture it.  Do not be complacent with it or take it for granted like I did.  There is a line from Journey in the 70s.  “When you feel that Love’s unfair, you just ask the Lonely.  When you’re lost in deep despair, you just ask the Lonely.”  That kind of encapsulates where I was before the wedding.  Just feeling sorry for myself.  Nothing positive in my life every came from self-pity and nothing ever will. This is a season Im trudging through hoping to make it through as quickly as possible.  It’s a 100 meter sprint in three feet of mud and muck.    This is a temporary phase I’m trying to illustrate with my words in hoping to encourage others.  Learn from me and my pain, that’s why I’m trying to vulnerable and express myself openly.   I’ll be out of this pit soon enough, not by my own power but because of God’s faithfulness.  “He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.”  I just want the broken-heart to go away NOW……   But I know I must trudge through it knowing each successive day will be better than the day before as long as I don’t mess it up by self-medicating.  I’m doing so much better now than I was on Friday or Saturday.  

So I did go to the wedding and it was wonderful.  I was able to vicariously watch the love between the bride and groom and get encouraged myself.  It was a beautiful ceremony and I was honored to have my precious daughters by my side throughout it.  I was also greatly encouraged by my family members that had traveled from all parts of the nation to attend.  I do cherish the relationship I have with my little sister whom I don’t get to see very much.  God was with me.  The wedding was almost perfect. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and was able to be genuinely be happy for the true love of two young people who deserved this moment of support.  

I know that I will love and be loved again someday.  And I also know that God is enough for me right now in this moment. “My grace is sufficient for you.”   I just get blinded sometimes with my own wants and needs.  I forget and ignore the obvious love and support I now feel from my extended family and friends.  Please don’t feel sorry for me, that is missing why I’m trying to express this.  Instead love and appreciate those in your life in a tangible way right now while you still have the chance.  Two years ago at Christmas, I was able to write and recite to my father a letter expressing how much I loved and appreciated him being in my life as a father.  I shared it while he was still around and could appreciate it.  (Thank you Mike and the Mechanics).  I’m so thankful that I didn’t leave anything unsaid while I still had the chance.  Now that my father is in Heaven, I have no regrets in sharing while I still had the chance.  I don’t know what the future will hold for me and my future relationship.  But I know that God is faithful.  If I ever get another chance, I’m not going to mess this one up this much I’m certain.   I pray that all of you readers won’t miss the opportunity you may have.  

My wife was kind of enough to let me have my dog this week.  So I know there’s at least one creature in this house that loves me unconditionally.  After this weekend, that is enough. 

75 days of September

 I’m not sure if I’m going to keep this up everyday but it is making me feel better about myself so that is something.  Nothing really changed in my circumstances but my perspective has altered a bit.  At moments I’m extremely lonely.  I love/loved my family, perhaps a bit too much.  So being without them is a bit like being without an identity.  So I have to rebuild that.  While I may be terribly unhappy at the moment, I’m learning that one can have unhappiness and peace at the same time.  It sounds weird saying that but it is true now, and it has been true in various other parts of my life.  I think that is why they call it the peace that passes all understanding.  The peace doesn’t make sense.  It’s also possible to experience joy without experiencing happiness but I’m not there this time just yet.  Happiness is so fleeting anyway.  Some people search their entire lives for moments of happiness.  Joy seems to be more sustainable.  That is my goal but I have to build up to that.  The Bible tells us not to judge lest ye be judged with the same measure.  But it also says you shall know them by their fruits.  Meaning you can tell if a person is walking in a Godly manner if they exhibit the fruits of the spirit in Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, and Self Control.  I ask for God to fill me with those Fruits daily.  Honestly, I’m not presenting all of those in my life consistently at the moment but it is my goal to do so.  I think it will just take time and lots of prayer.  

That is one thing that is the silver lining of the Hell that I’m enduring.  Im seeking God like I’ve never sought him in years and years.  Why do we often have to be broken in order to truly seek Him?   Why couldn’t I have been desperately seeking him like I am now when life was good.  Perhaps it’s just laziness and/or complacency.  Nonetheless, I’m doing it now, walking in faith that the Fruits will be evident in my life soon.  Once they are, I believe I’ll be able to face the adversities that I’m encountering with more grace.  In the meantime I need to focus on the positives.  A sermon by Joel Osteen really resonated with me that I heard nearly two decades ago.  “Don’t focus on what you don’t have.  Focus on what you have.”  I’m trying to live my life by that mantra now.  I have an identity in my career that I find fulfilling.  I enjoy going to work.  I enjoy having a second job that limits my time being alone in this townhome,  I’m able to pay my bills, eat healthy and work out like a fiend. I have plenty of time (sometimes unwanted time) on my hands.   I also have friends and family that love and support me.  My health is top notch with my diabetes being under great control.  Wow…after writing all that I feel better about myself.  I do get to see my girls and they are lights in my dark world.  It’s hard when I have to drop them back off.  I do miss my dog too.  When I drop the girls off, the dog stares at me from the glass door begging me with his dark eyes to take him with me.  That breaks my heart as I’m the master.  That’s the bittersweet part about my visitation with the girls.  When I have to leave them I’m reminded that I’m separated again.  It’s a temporary respite from the loneliness that is delayed for 48 hours. But my girls are smart and healthy and I need to focus on that.  

I so want this next year to fly by quickly, but yet I feel as if it’s going by at a snail’s pace.  I was listening to a podcast about a year ago talking about the perception of time.  The adage, time flies when you’re having fun or Where did all the time go is a psychological fact.  The premise of this particular podcast from Hidden Brain or it might have been Inner Cosmos, is when we get into routines doing the same thing over and over again, the brain goes on cruise control not having to process or think because there is no new stimuli to decipher and interpret. So the perception of time is sped up.   So the premise is that if you want to slow time down, do something different to trick your brain.  Use your non-dominant hand, take a different route to work, do things differently that you are accustomed to doing.  By altering your routine you trick your brain into allowing you to feel as if time is slowing down.  That is exactly what is happening to me, BUT I DON”T WANT TIME TO SLOW DOWN!  I want it to speed up so I can get out of this valley faster.  Everything I’m doing now is different.  New place to live, new path to work, new experience of being alone, new silence that echoes through my townhouse, new route to work, new identity, new routine.  Everything is new at the moment and that is causing time to go really slllllllllllllooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww.  I want the opposite.  It feels like I’ve been in September for the last 75 days.  I know that might sound ridiculous and some people might be jealous of my perception of time, but I dont like it. (I’m sure Earth, Wind, and Fire would love that.)   It’s a good thing I don’t have a life remote control because I shoot ahead to 2026 or 2027 in a heartbeat just to speed the process up.  Yes I realize how unwise and how selfish that would be but I’m dreaming.  I’m also trying to be very honest and vulnerable with you readers.  I know that “This too shall pass.”  While that direct quote is not the Bible It’s taken in part from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.  There is a time for everything.  There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3     a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6     a time to search and a time to give up,

    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7     a time to tear and a time to mend,

    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8     a time to love and a time to hate,

    a time for war and a time for peace.

Right now I’m somewhere inside of all those verses, though I’m not exactly sure where.  I just know that I’m in a very specific time for a very specific season.  This season SUCKS but I’m trying to regain my Peace and Joy in the midst of it.  Those endeavors are a process that takes time.  I get in trouble in life when I try to help God out by speeding it up on my volition.   I usually wind up making everything worse when I take it upon myself to fix things.  I just need to be patient, wait and trust God.  God has gotten me out of plenty of jams in the past and I have no doubt that He will continue to do so in the future.  I just have to wait.  I HATE waiting.  I’m a walking contradiction aren’t I?  But that’s OK.  Today was better than yesterday, yesterday was better than the day before.  If I do things right, tomorrow will be better than today.  That’s the plan anyways. 

Despair (not just an extra tire in your trunk)

 I patted myself on the back a few times because I thought that was a clever title.  I was touched and honored by having some dear friends reach out to me letting me know that I wasn’t alone.  That did encourage me and I was very appreciative.  But fishing for encouragement was not the reason why I started re-writing this blog.  This is good therapy for me.  I know this is a season that I must trudge through alone.  God is with me.  Sometimes I feel his presence deeply, sometimes I feel like I’m walking alone.  It’s that old “Footprints” poem I guess.  I know that God is faithful.  And I am also NOT trying to blame anyone for my current state of being.  I brought this all upon myself.  I think it’s made worse because this is not my first rodeo, Unfortunately.  During my first divorce I didn’t start the healing process until I started to look in the mirror and took accountability for my actions.  That was a very difficult day 20 years ago in which I still remember as vividly as if it were yesterday.  Instead I’m trying to get ahead of things and looking in the mirror now.  It’s so easy to blame other people when you run into problems.  You can justify almost any poor behavior if you try hard enough.  It says in Proverbs 21:2: A man's ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart.  God sees through all of our excuse making.  We cannot justify our poor actions to him.  We can lie to ourselves, yes, but God sees through that.  

So why even write if I’m not trying to justify my actions or have people feel sorry for me?  I don’t need or deserve anyone’s pity.  I believe I’m called to write to show the world my fallibility as a believer in Christ.   I am not perfect, yet many in the church put off non-believers by pretending that we are or are close to it.  My mantra for years is that church should be a hospital not a museum.  Too many people of faith hide their struggles for various reasons.  I think that standoffishness (is that word?) isolates the non-believer into thinking they might not be worthy or capable of forgiveness.  Yet here I am exposing my warts to the world.  I screwed up and now I’m paying the penalty for my choices.  God warned me before I gave into temptation but I was so wrapped up in my sin that I did not pay proper heed.  So now I’m faced with the tall task of climbing the hill of righteousness again but this time from the deepest valley.  Yes I know that I’m forgiven.  It says in Micah 7:8-9 “Do not rejoice over me, my enemy; When I fall, I will arise; When I sit in darkness, The LORD will be a light to me. I will bear the indignation of the LORD, Because I have sinned against Him, Until He pleads my case And executes justice for me. He will bring me forth to the light; I will see His righteousness.”  So I know that I know that I know that I’m forgiven yet there is still the consequence I must pay for my sin.  Coincidentally (or maybe by divine providence) I just finished the life of David and Psalms in my Through the Bible in a year Chronological plan.  I can so relate to King David in so many ways. He was a man after God’s own heart (Like I feel that I am) yet he still struggled with his addictions like I have.  The Psalms spoke to me in very profound ways as I studied them.  

When I need to talk to God and self-actualize, I often stand in front of my mirror to pray.  This forces me to be self-aware and honest with myself.  Sometimes it’s hard facing myself.  But this is my tool that I use for God to speak clearly and immediately  to me.  So as I was crying out to God this morning as I stared in the mirror I felt a very specific impression.  That even though my circumstances might not change right away, that God would still be my Analgesic.  I wasn’t even exactly sure what that word meant and if it was being used correctly.  I thought that isn’t God’s voice, it certainly must be mine.  I haven’t been hearing God too clearly lately and that has been frustrating.  But then that still small voice said, Look it up if you don’t believe me.  So I did.  My friend Chat GPT explains: An analgesic is a medication or substance that reduces or relieves pain. It works by blocking pain signals in the nervous system or by altering the body's perception of pain.  So that is exactly what I need at the moment.  I am praying for my circumstances to change but I can’t control my circumstances,  I can only control how I respond to my circumstances.  Yet even though my circumstances are the same as yesterday, God is the substance that can and is reducing/blocking my emotional pain.  Nothing changed physically in my life but God provided the spiritual Analgesic to help today feel a little better.  The encouraging notes from my dear friends also helped. 

I’m reminded of the great line in the film Shadowlands given by Anthony Hopkins as he portrayed C.S. Lewis.  “I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time—waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God, it changes me.” while C.S. Lewis never spoke these exact words, the themes were picked up and eloquently written by screenwriter William Nicholson.  So the more I pray the more God meets me.  Prayer might not always fix my situation but it fixes me in order to adapt to my situation.  That has been true in my life time and time again.  Psalm 37:4 which I recite often says “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  What I’ve found and experienced time and again, that the desires of your heart can change and align with God’s will.  Sometimes he has something even better than the desires of your own heart.  

So why I am laying myself open, bare and vulnerable to the world by posting this publicly?  I do so because I know (even though I might not feel it presently) that God is faithful.  Even though I am sometimes not.  I know that I know that I know, that All things work together for good for those who believe and are called according to His purpose.  So once I get through this hell (however long that will take) I have “Good” on the back end waiting on me.  So I am writing this from the pit of despair (although it is better than yesterday, and yesterday was better than the day before) knowing that God will see me through this.  I write this as a future testimony to God’s faithfulness when I will be through this.  “Though He slay me, still I will trust in Him.”-Job 13:15. 

This Sucks 9-23-25

 Well, I'm back on this blog after being away for 12 years.  I thought those 12 years away were happy years, at least they were from my perspective.  But they were not from the point of view of my wife.  I come back to this spot a broken and humble man.  My life is experiencing a low point of which I've only experienced one other point before. This time I think it's even lower because of the joy I experienced recently.  So why even write/journal about it?  My therapist recommended that I journal my experience.  I know in times past several of my readers reached out directly to me letting me know that I played a part in helping save their marriages.  So if I can help just one other person through my anguish, I'll take it.  

Currently, I am a separated from my family and I HATE it.  I miss them dearly and am not good at living alone.  I'm not going to offer any salacious details as to what led to my separation nor am I going to blame my wife.  I made mistakes over the course of my marriage and I am now paying for those mistakes with the worst time in my life.  Because of my public facing career, I cannot get into specifics of what I've done.  But if you know me well enough feel free to reach out to me privately and we can talk.  

I feel as if I'm on an roller coaster of emotion.  Certain days are bearable and certain days are absolute Hell.  Those bad days I find myself discouraged, hopeless and full of despair.  The counter-intuitive aspect of all this is that I am a follower of Christ.  I should be filled with the fruits of spirit of Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness and Self-control.  Certain moments I feel that, and certain moments I do not.  I need to re-emphasize that I'm not blaming anyone for my despair.  I know what I'm going through is a consequence of my own selfish choices.  I was hurting and I chose to self-medicate and that made everything even worse.  I am relying on the promise of Roman 8:28, All things work together for good for those who believe and are called according to HIS purpose.  I understand that from a logical perspective but from a practical perspective it seems light years away.  I know it is darkest before the dawn, but how long will this nightmare consume me?  

All of this seems to be made worse because I lost my father a few weeks ago.  Losing a parent is never easy but I was comforted in the fact that he lived to be 88 and lived a full and happy life.  It is a relief that he is no longer in pain.  I just remembered being at the funeral surrounded by family members all sharing a collective grief.  Yet the more people I was surrounded with the more lonely and isolated I felt.  Yes I have so many friends, family members, associates and colleagues that love me, but I still feel alone.  The more people that surround me physically the more isolated I feel.  I don't have that one intimate relationship anymore.  That partner that offered me comfort and the security of family.   I know in my heart that this is temporary.  I just have to be able to endure it.  I know that God is faithful.  I've seen him move in my life countless times in the past.  I know that this season of despair will end, but how long will this season last?  Only God truly knows.  

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself in the moment.  I feel like that is a sin.  I've also been crying out to God constantly during this time.  They say comparison is the thief of joy and I whole-heartedly believe that.  But it can also work in the opposite way.  In my mind my life seems to be pretty bad right now.  But I have three very close friends from different points in my life, going through something very similar or even worse.  I can't get into specifics but they include two struggling relationships similar to my own and a severe physical challenge with the other.  My prayers are with those three friends.  I'm reminded of the book of Job.  Job was blameless and upright yet still lost his family, friends, and belongings.  I cannot compare myself to Job because I certainly was not blameless nor upright.  But I'm trying to walk that walk now in the moment.  It says in Job 42:10 that AFTER Job prayed for his friends, God restored all that he had.  So maybe that should be my strategy, get the focus off of myself and start praying for my friends.  This self-pity party doesn't do anyone any good.  I know I will emerge somehow victorious through all of this in the future.  Not because of any of my own strength but because God is faithful even when we are not.  I won't give up.  I will continue to seek Him.  I'm not sure how often I will write in this iteration of my blog but I feel a bit better after jotting down these few words.  If you pray, please say a prayer for me so I can be upright and righteous from this point.  Also pray for my beloved children.  They are the victims in all of this.  They did nothing wrong but still they have to suffer the consequences of my choices.  That really discourages me.  I did this to them.  Hopefully, someday I can make it up to them.  Thank you for reading.  -Rick