Turning a corner?

It might not seem like it at first glance, but I feel like I’m turning a corner.  Yesterday’s post I was wallowing in loneliness and despair, yet today I feel better.  The spots of despair are becoming lessened while the spots of peace are becoming lengthened.  This doesn’t mean that I won’t have my bad days, its just that the horrible days are finally becoming fewer and farther between.  I’m not 50-50 between despair and peace just yet.  But by my unscientific calculations (guess) I am 25% Peace and 75% despair.  That might not seem like much but for months it was 5% peace to 95% despair with some days being as low as 1-2% peace.  You see I really love(d) my wife/family. Having them ripped away (I realize that it was my doing) felt like my skin being ripped away emotionally speaking. Those were rough times which I NEVER want to experience again.  So even from going from 5% to 25% is a marked improvement and I’ll take it.  Hopefully tomorrow it will be 26% and the following day 27%.  There will be ebbs and flows as with life.  I just have to be sure to not let the ebbs drag me too far down.  At those moments I just need to tread water to stay afloat.  I have tools, skills, knowledge and friends now that will help me stay afloat during those trying times which will inevitably come. 

I probably made a mistake in posting this blog on facebook. Maybe I should have kept it private.  I inadvertently announced to the world over social media of the changing of my relationship status. I didn’t even consider that and maybe I should have. I’m loathe to change my official social media status from Married to Separated. It’s one of my biggest fears, but perhaps I unwittingly did it anyway through this post.   Maybe that wasn’t my story to tell just yet.  Perhaps I jumped the gun.  My closest friends already knew my marital status as I’m quite an open book in requesting prayer in time of extreme need.  However, my distant friends were not aware and the mutual friends of my wife were not aware either. I should have considered them first.   Well the cat is out of the bag somewhat now. If I have offended you I apologize.  I do feel better about writing this.  I’m getting a lot of prayerful support from close friends and distant friends.  Plus the journalistic aspect of this is very therapeutic.  I feel better about myself after I write. I wish I could make a living at this writing thing. Who knows perhaps one day I’ll be able to do just that. That is my prayer anyway. Writing/creating gives me hope.  It makes me feel less lonely.  I can’t really share my emotional state of mind with colleagues or students at work.  I come home to an empty town house with no one to speak with about my problems or my day good or bad. It can be quite isolating especially considering the last house I left (my family) was quite LOUD! And I loved every minute of it.   Yes, I could call my mother or sisters.  They would always listen and try to offer support and encouragement.  But how many different ways can I tell them I’m hurting and lonely on a daily basis?  I believe humans have an inherent need to communicate with each other.  I know it’s primarily one-sided but having this outlet of expression with you  but it helps me cope and get my angst out of my system onto paper/cyber space.  It also encourages me that I’m trying (even in my broken state) to advance the cause of Christ.  Yes I’m broken and damaged but the Bible is full of broken and damaged people whom Christ redeemed and used for his Glory.  I know I’m redeemed. Some days I feel it more than others. 

One thing that was brought up with a counselor today was my need for relationship.  Even going back to my high school days, I’ve always been in relationships.  I never have been able to date multiple people at once or date around (not that I’m currently dating, no sirree).  I was always jumping from one long term girlfriend to the next.  This is not a positive attribute.  I’m just trying to explain my state of being.  Perhaps because I’ve seen modeled for me such a long lasting marriage with my parents (63 years) that long relationships seemed normal to me.  I know I have an addictive personality.  I think it’s part because of my ADD.  I joke with people that I used to be ADHD but I got too old with not enough energy so I had to drop the H.  It’s good that I don’t drink alcohol, gamble or do drugs, because I’d be a mess.  People with ADD (statistically speaking) are more prone to addictive behaviors then all you normal people. That rush for Dopamine can be powerful. I wish I could have understood this more when I was a kid. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. For years I kept my addictions hidden and thought it was just a flaw in my Christian character that could be controlled with enough prayer and concentration. Oooops…  I’m pretty sure I’m also a Love Addict amongst other things.  This means I just really miss showing and receiving love. I feel incomplete without it.   That’s a bad thing.  I need to be content to be on my own and let Christ be enough for me (a wise person told me earlier).  That is the goal to be content in Christ and have the relationship be an added bonus.  I’m working towards that but it is a process.  Some days are better than other days.  Hopefully the better days will soon become the norm again rather than the exception.  I know logically that it will happen because God has done it before in my life and logically speaking I know he’ll do it again.  I just have to be patient and not rush things.  Oh, how I want to rush things to make them better RIGHT NOW!.  But God doesn’t always work like that.   

I ran across this in a post last night:

“I asked God for strength, and He gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom, and He gave me problems to solve.

I asked for courage, and He gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for love, and He gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for patience, and He placed me in situations where I was forced to wait.

I received nothing I wanted — but everything I needed.”

“My prayers were answered.”

Why can’t it be easy?  Why didn’t I embrace this when life was good and I had a wife to love and loved me in return?  Why do we have to struggle?

I don’t know the answers to those perplexities.  But I know that God can provide peace in the midst of the struggles.  That’s what I’m relying and hoping on for now.  I just crave for the norm to 80-20 or 90-10 soon.  In the meantime, I’ll walk by faith and Trust Him. 

Birthday Blahs

Birthday Blah…This is going to be raw and unfiltered. Although I appreciate all the well-wishes from the dozens/hundreds of friends from all over the world,  Today still kinda sucked. It was  kinda  ok, but mostly it sucked. Being completely self-aware, I’m feeling sorry for myself. If you choose to read on, be forewarned.   Now I could do the whole Joel Osteen thing and focus on what I have, not what I don’t have.  That works sometimes/most of the time but I just don’t feeling like doing it today.  I feel like wallowing in the muck and mire and I’m not sure if that is a bad or a good thing. There is a time for everything right. Isn’t there a time for being lonely and being a curmudgeon? Or is that antithetical to Christ’s teaching?   I just know that journaling about it makes me feel better.  It makes me feel less alone, like I have someone to talk with at the end of the day about my day.  I haven’t had that for a long time, so maybe this blog is soothing and meeting that need.  So if you are part of this outlet for me, please know that you are appreciated.  

I woke up with a dog that loves me, so that’s good.  But as soon as I got to school the day went off the rails.  I like routine and things were off routine.  Pretty much everything that could go wrong was going wrong.  I remember thinking vividly at 9:15 as I was scrambling to enact and back up plan to the back up plan.  I thought “This sucks.”  Now nothing tragic came about because of my bad day.  It was just frustrating.  Just 12 hours earlier I was pontificating about Peace and Joy, and here I was scrambling to find any semblance of that.  I wouldn’t say things got better but they were endurable. The third back up plan worked.   I was just in a cranky mood.  Wasn’t I supposed to be a good mood on my birthday.  I had a couple of students approach me as they tried justifying have their cell phones out.  Mr. Beeman, I’m just having a hard day they would plead.  Me too was my succinct retort.   I didn’t want to tell any of my students, co-workers that “Hey, It’s my Birthday.”  They would then just have to feign enthusiasm with a semi sincere remark.  Boy I feel like the Birthday grinch.  

The good part is that I was able to see all three girls today.  I was also able to take the ⅔ of them out to a birthday steak for myself and them.  I was trying to put on a happy face for their sake. They didn’t ask for any of this.    My youngest, 5, gets so excited when she sees me lately.  She really misses me but doesn’t have the verbal dexterity to express herself completely yet.  At the steak place (I had a coupon for a free Birthday Appetizer) My youngest kept hugging me.  She couldn’t keep herself from hugging my arm, touching my head or wanting to sit in my lap.  Even though she was right next to me in the booth, she couldn’t get close enough.  I remember being somewhat annoyed as she kept bumping into my elbow as I was trying to eat my salad.  I did not say anything and tried reframe to the narrative like I did with Little Johnny whom I mentioned a few days ago.  This precious little one misses me so much but she does not know how to articulate it.  Her world has been turned upside down and she doesn’t realize the exact extent just yet.  She only knows that she misses her daddy and if somehow she can physically get close enough to me maybe that security would return to her. She is hurting and reaching out.  Physical hugs sometime work but she and I needed an emotional hug.    It broke my heart then and now.  If she wanted to keep bumping into me all dinner long I would let her.   I hate hate hate that my girls have to go through this.  

I had such a wide range of emotions going through my head all day long.  If emotions were like blades on a fan, it seems that mine were spinning at airplane velocity speeds.  I went from sad, to lonely, to angry, to bitter, to acceptance then the cycle would quickie repeat.  Where was all the peace and joy that I experienced yesterday?   Was it as simple as just feeling sorry for myself? Is self-pity a sin.  If it is, then this sin is no fun.   Being angry and self-pity won’t do me any good.  So I’ll try not to let them accompany me tomorrow.  

You might think, why am I bellyaching?  I had my girls and my favorite meal.  While all that is true, the love that I was experiencing from my daughters just left me wanting more.  It made me miss what I used to have.  I miss holding hands, randomized hugs, affirmations, compliments, kisses on the cheek.  I miss relational intimacy, not sexual intimacy (though I miss that too) I miss the intimacy of non-verbal communication with a partner that understands you.  I miss having someone to adore, someone I can shower with attention and affection.  Someone to binge watch shows with.  I miss having my best friend.  Now I haven’t had these things for a several years now which is one of the reason why the wheels fell off, but I still miss them.  I don’t want to get used to living without them.  I know intellectually what I’m going through won’t last.  I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know that God is faithful. I know that ultimately this will work for good. I know and believe all these things to be true.  It just doesn’t make the ache in my heart to be any less.  Time heals all wounds especially with Christ.  As I mentioned earlier, Time in healing that wound is moving at a snail’s pace right now.  Hope will return soon as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow. Hope is just nowhere to be found today, despite all the birthday wishes. 

No Happiness but Peace and Joy finally arrived again.

 A strange sensation just swept over me.  It was familiar but I haven’t felt it in awhile.  Nothing out of the ordinary happened to me today.  It was the very definition of routine.  Yet I had a good day.  I’m still alone, I still miss my children, I still miss the family that I used to have, yet it was a good day.  I’ve been wracked by guilt, self-condemnation and loneliness for months now.  I didn’t feel them today.  What is confounding to me is that I have hope or maybe I’ve rediscovered hope. Logic says that I shouldn’t be hopeful because nothing changed from yesterday.    The only thing that I’ve been doing lately is Seeking God first and trusting him for rest.  Today I felt the dividends of that.  I’m not happy.  That much is clear, but today I was ok not being happy.  Today I was OK feeling Peace and Joy.  They seem to go hand in hand.  I must be doing something right.  I’m not one to judge but Christ did say you will know them by their fruits.  That is the litmus test to tell if someone is walking with God.  Are they displaying Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness and Self-control.  If they are, then that is the scorecard to know that they are living their life right.  I feel those fruits right at this moment.  Again, I’m separating this from happiness.  I experienced this before during my first divorce and many times during my life.  This is the just first time I’ve felt it in a long long time.  It feels good.  I have to be careful not to do anything to mess it up.  When I say mess it up, it means falling back into self-medicating habits.  

I'm in a very healthy routine right now.  I get up in the morning and listen to my Chronological through the Bible in year plan (usually in the shower).  I also listen to the commentary by a person by the name of Tara Leigh Cobble.  It is great insight if you are looking for a Bible reading plan.  Then I spend the next 20-25 minutes in my prayer closet in my car during my commute to work.  When I run out of things to pray about I spend the time in prayer and worship.  That really puts me in a good frame of mind to teach.  I try to stay in the spirit of prayer throughout my day sending missives of praise and thankfulness whenever there is a lull.  I’m fortunate this year.  I think I’m really getting good at the teaching thing. I never envisioned myself as a teacher, let alone enjoying but I am.    I’m impacting lives and that creates a lot of fulfillment with me.  What I love is that several of my students are taking the initiative and developing tools and passions on their own.  They are inspired and going the extra mile to create.  I’m so very proud of them.  In a way I’m doing it to be lazy.  The students are now taking responsibility and training up the other students.  I have to manage them, almost like an Executive Producer.  It’s great for the students that are leading the way because it creates a lot of leadership and growth experience. It also means less work for me and I can focus on other educational things.   The main thing is they are having fun learning, at least most of them.  By having fun they take the initiative and work harder creating great work.  We have an audience of 2000+ students which we produce content for everyday.  

Not all students are inspired.  The ones that aren’t are easy to identify.  I’ve spent so much time teaching acting I’ve developed a few tricks.  It’s easy for me to read body language when I focus on it.  Up to 85% of communication is non-verbal.  15 % of communication uses words with the bulk made up of Body Language and Tone.  I show off for the students, sometimes reading/guessing their thoughts.  I’m usually very accurate.  All it takes is just to watch and observe.  People’s words sometimes betray their actions.  That’s why it’s interesting to have students that hate me or really dislike me and/or my classes.  There are always a few each semester that don’t jive with me.  I try to love them all.  The challenge for me is to get past their obvious distaste for me and/or the course that I teach and offer them the same educational opportunities.  It’s a term called differentiation.  Chat GPT explains it like this:  Differentiated instruction is the practice of designing lessons so that students of varying abilities, learning styles, and readiness levels can all access the material meaningfully. So I have to give the same curriculum to those that love it and those that dislike it.  Some people take that opportunity and some people refuse.  I still endeavor to give them the tools they need to be successful whether they like me or my classes or not.  

One thing my first divorce taught me, I will not base my self-worth on the opinion of others.  That is the definition of co-dependence.  I’ve also learned not to base my identity on things I can’t control, like entertainment figures, sports teams, political causes, money, sex, love (Im still working on that one).  My identity needs to be in Christ/my faith.  That’s where the verse from Matthew 7: 24-27: 24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

Jesus isn’t talking about building your house.  He’s talking about where you can place your identity.  When I was a kid, I was a HUGE sports fan.  I lived and died with the Oakland Raiders.  They were my idols/modern day Golden Calf.  When they were winning, I felt great about myself but when they lost I was devastated.  Imagine if my identity was based on the Raider today?  I would seriously need a lot of medication, they are awful yet again. 

During my first marriage, my identity was totally wrapped up in what my first wife thought of me.  I thought that was the right thing to do.  After all shouldn’t a husband love his wife with all his heart, mind and soul?  You see that’s where I made my big mistake.  My wife became my God.  When she loved me it was great.  But when she didn’t, I was devastated. Even though I was a Christian my misplaced priorities left me without an identity.  A house built on the sand.  I brought that knowledge into my second marriage which had its own shares of strife.  Yet when things weren’t going well in the marriage, I had my identity in Christ to fall back on so I wasn’t emotionally or psychologically devastated.  That worked for a long time until I went off course and started self-medicating.  When you fall into Sin all bets are off and you are on your own. You are out from under God’s protection.    I learned that the hard way, again, and again, and again.  I think I’ve learned my lesson this time, but that doesn’t mean I won’t stumble again.  Instead I’ve learned to be obedient and put my faith unconditionally in the Lord.  That is where my Peace and Joy are coming from right now and they are my gateway to Hope.  I want to be sure to keep them around for the long haul.  I don’t feel so lonely today and it feels great. 

Naïveté, Gullibility and Sermon written precisely for me.

 I had a really nice weekend.  Having my girls is a mixed blessing.  It makes me so less lonely being with them.  But it’s also bittersweet as it reminds me what it was like when I was with them full time and I obviously miss that. I took so many things for granted in the past thinking Love lasts forever.    Why can’t I just be happy and count my blessings for the present instead of longing for yesterday.  I’m sure I will get there eventually but this is a process.  My wife was kind enough to let me have the dog until Tuesday.  Usually I go through a mild depression when I drop the girls off.  But having the dog here is soothing.  It helps the come down seem less drastic.  

I was also greatly encouraged by church today.  It seemed as if the preacher Bryan Lorritts from the Summit had been following me around the past six months and wrote a specific sermon exactly for my present situation.  The title of the message is/was how to be a Godly sinner.  The gist was how God uses our failures to advance His Kingdom.  Here’s the link in case any of you might be interested:  https://summitchurch.com/message/how-to-be-a-godly-sinner  It’s also probably not a coincidence that I just got through this passage a few weeks ago in my “Through the Bible in a year” chronological reading plan.  

I feel compelled to share my struggles with this blog because it makes me feel better about myself.  This is my way of journaling.  I love being creative and this fills that need.  I also love to inspire others.  Maybe this is helping a few people as I’m trying to be extremely forthright with my fallibility.  Pastor Bryan said one line that hit me like an uppercut, “Maybe your divorce will save someone else from divorce.”  I don’t know if I’m getting a second divorce, I certainly hope not.  But I know that there are a few people that reached out to me during the first iteration of this blog and admitted to me that I helped save their marriage.  They saw the ugliness that I went through the first time, and learned from my mistakes.  Why couldn’t I learn from the first time and not be in this same nearly identical position?  Excellent question.  I believe I’ve taken the necessary steps for growth to break my negative patterns.  Now the question is, is it a Little too little a little too late?  Thank you Pat Benatar…I’m a little too hurt and there’s nothing…OK, I’ll listen to the rest of the song later. (I know my little sister will smile when she reads that).  

I was encouraged.  The sermon was all about David and his moral failures and despite all that he was still a man after God’s own heart.  Is there hope for me because there was for David?  I’ve always liked to think of myself as a man after God’s own heart.  I’ve also always thought that David was an Addict.  I don’t have any scriptural proof or theology to back that up, It’s just a hunch.  But looking at all the evidence and his Son Solomon’s 900 wives and concubines, I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to connect the dots.  I just see the extremes of David’s behaviors as he writes out the Psalms. The way the behavior swings from adoration, to repentance to shame to despair.  I can relate to so many aspects of this.  This past week just gives me hope that God indeed has a plan in all of this. I know God is using multiple modes of communication to speak to me.   I just have to wait.  I hate waiting.  That’s why I never prayed for patience.  It would be nice if life was like Neo from the Matrix and we could just download all the fruits of the spirit instantly without having  to endure the work or the growth to earn/obtain it.  

I’m not sure if I should mention this next part or not…OK, too late, I suppose I could delete it later.  Something happened to me today that affected me in a profound way.  First off, I’m the most naive and gullible person in the world. OK, I know that’s an exaggeration as there is some guy in Idaho that is more gullible than me.    This isn’t a humble brag, it’s an admission of naivete and weakness.  If you told me my picture was in the dictionary with description of gullible, I’d ask what was the reference R for Rick, B for Beeman or G for gullible, or is it cross-referenced for all 3?   I’ve often wondered why I’m so gullible.  Is it because I was raised in the church and we are taught to just accept our faith without questioning it?  Since I’ve been destroyed emotionally a few times, I have become tainted slightly with cynicism and jaded a bit.  But still I’m a sucker.  So I’m a little embarrassed mentioning this because I am so gullible.  But when I dropped the kids off with their mother I stayed by the car. The closer I get to the house the more it hurts emotionally.   Their mother waved and smiled.  I thought she was waving at my youngest but she had eye contact with me.  I think we’ve all done that scene from Swingers and Vince Vaughn, when you think someone is waving at you, you wave back only to find they were actually waving at someone next to you.  So after I confirmed her wave was for me, I awkwardly waved and smiled back.  I was not prepared for that. I was just ready to return into my emotional shell like a turtle.   But upon reflection that simple gesture made my day if not my week.  I’m not sure if that rush of hope that I felt spoke more about my foolishness and making something out of nothing or fueled my sense of false hope.  I’m sure I was making something out of nothing.  I don’t know what it was and again, I’m embarrassed for bringing it up.  It did affect me in a manner I wasn’t expecting.  I’m such a sucker sometimes and a vulnerable one sometimes, thus I’m sharing it all with you. So you can be vicariously vulnerable with me.  I’m sure I’m reading way too much into this.  OK.  The only thing I can do, and will do at this point is Seek First the Kingdom of God and God will handle all the details.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that promise. 

10-4 Good Buddy and Self-Centeredness

10-4 Good buddy.  Does anyone remember CB radios.  If you do, you are old.  I remember sitting in my motor home when I was 8 years old with my younger sister primarily huddled around the CB while my dad drove.  We were thrilled if a trucker would talk to us. We all had handles/code names.  I think mine was Raider Rick.   This was in the olden days in the 70s, far before cell phones.  It was prehistoric.  We used have codes that meant something in order to keep communication brief.  Here were the main ones:

10-1: Receiving poorly.

10-2: Receiving well.

10-3: Stop transmitting.

10-4: Message received.

10-5: Relay message.

10-6: Busy, stand by.

10-7: Out of service.

10-8: In service.

10-9: Repeat message.

10-10: Transmission completed.

10-13: Weather and road conditions.

10-20: What is your location?

10-33: Emergency traffic at this station.

10-37: Wrecker needed at...

10-38: Ambulance needed at...

10-42: Traffic accident at...

10-62: Unable to copy, use phone.

10-100: Bathroom break.

Those were the main ones. Really the truckers used it primarily to fight the loneliness of the open road and to also warn each other of policeman giving tickets.  They called policeman Smokies.  Think of Smokey and the Bandit the Burt Reynolds films of the 70s.  

 It sure was/is a different world.  I did have another good day because I had my girls to distract me from my loneliness again.  I loved having a family, and I loved being loved.  But I need to adjust and that is a process. I don’t want to adjust but the choice is no longer my own.  I just have to trust God continually that this is all part of His plan.  “His ways are not my ways, His plans are not my plans for His ways are higher than my ways and His plans higher than my plans.    I was thinking about why it was so difficult for me to be alone when millions around the world are lonely.  I had a mini-epiphany.  Whenever I’ve gotten myself the most in trouble in life is why I make self-centered decisions.  Those decisions usually never end well for me.  Instead I get the most amount of peace and contentment in life when I put other people’s needs ahead of my own.  I think that is why children are a gift from God.  Because of their needy disposition it’s natural for parents to put their children’s needs (normally speaking) ahead of their own needs.  That to me just seems like the recipe for good mental health. Herein lies my dilemma.  If I am now living alone most of the time, how can I regularly put other people’s needs ahead of my own?  The fact that I’m alone naturally forces me to be more self-centered.  Maybe I need to volunteer more, or become more involved with groups. Right now I work a 40 hour week and work another 10-20 hours are a second job, so there isn’t a ton of time left over.    I don’t like being so self-centered in the in between times.  I know I can take my children to their soccer practices, appointments and more and I’ve been doing that.  I’m learning to enjoy it.  But I don’t want this self-centeredness to be my rule rather than my exception.  

I think I must get this state of mind from my late father.  It’s weird to say that now, Late father.  Growing up I can’t remember him ever putting his own needs ahead of the needs of his family.  He worked hard but never at the expense of us.  Looking back, I’m not even sure what his needs were as he kept them so private.  I think his needs must have been the occasional afternoon nap or laying in the sun for hours on end. I know he all needed us to go to church and was always frustrated when my mother and sisters made us late.  I’ll always remember him marching through the house with his hands in the air “Lets Go, Lets Go, Lets Go he would plead dozens of times each Sunday morning.   My father always did love a hot tub. I think because he grew up without a lot of hot water.  Think about that in Pennsylvania where its gets to be frigid, Hot Water was a luxury.  We are so spoiled today.  He also told me in gym class he had to swim in the pool during the dead of winter.  They didn’t heat the pools back then.  Yes it was indoors, but still the water must have been in the 60s.  He thought if they kicked in the water the motion would heat the pool up.  I/we are so spoiled today.   He modeled what it meant to be self-less.  I think Christ modeled that for us as well.  When in the gospels did it ever show Christ making a self-centered decision. Maybe when he overthrew the tables of the money changers in the temple but that was righteous anger.  You can be angry and not sin as Jesus exhorted us to do.    Not that all self-centeredness is sinful.  Remember they advise parents to put on their own oxygen mask before they put the mask on their children.  That is just logical in case the children might not have the wherewithal to affix your mask if you pass out.  So that’s where Im at.  This new reality of having to be self-centered, and I don’t like it.  I suppose I could put my students needs ahead of my own and I sometimes do that.  This is the process I’m still getting used to doing.  

Today was the first scheduled day of our Funniest Person in the Triangle contest.  The problem is no one showed up. We need a better marketing plan.   These things usually take a while to build up.  Once we get a few people attending they become regulars and then the energy just builds upon itself leading to growth.  This is the fourth iteration that I’ve done with this contest.  I’ve run it in San Francisco, Bahrain, Raleigh, and the second season in Raleigh. I had a couple of broadcasters want to run the show on network TV in Bahrain and Dubai but the deals fell apart.   It’s still a lot of fun.  It’s like “Whose Line Is It Anyways” with me playing the role of Drew Carey.  Because I’ve been doing it so long I’ve been able to come up with several thousand different improv scenarios, some of them are really good.  So with no one showing up, I had a choice to make.  Either I just pack it in and leave, or I make the most of it with my girls.  I chose the latter.  For a good 60 minutes my middle and youngest would act out various improv scenarios with me and we all had a blast.  My youngest is becoming quite the giggler.  A family should laugh a lot together.  It’s been a while since I’ve been in that frame of mind to laugh with my girls.  It sure felt good even if we were the only ones there.  

A Happy Day....Finally

 Finally a day with happiness.  I guess you could say I was due.  I'm learning to live or better survive without happiness which is a weird thing to say or think about.  Instead I’m leaning into the pursuit of Peace and Joy (much to the chagrin of our US forefathers with their Life, Liberty and pursuit of Happiness thing).  The US sometimes thinks it a rite of passage to be happy and people think they have license to do whatever they want to obtain said happiness.   When you think about it, Happiness is so elusive, temporal and circumstantial.  Joy is more constant, sustainable and not based on external fluid circumstances.  Joy is just more solid.  You might not get the highest highs of happiness but you also won’t get the lowest of lows.  I heard TD Jakes once preach, “Don’t let your highs get too high or your lows get too low.”  So maybe Joy can be considered the psychological prozac of this era of happiness.  Im sure I’ve probably offended some people with that last comment.  I equate Joy as a long railroad trip around Disneyland/world which lasts 20-30 minutes.  It’s slower paced but still enjoyable as opposed to 2-3 minute thrill of Space Mountain.  (As I age, I can’t stand being thrown around in the dark.Roller Coasters are quickly losing their appeal, especially wooden ones)  Also there is usually an hour wait for the 2-3 minute thrill ride and usually no wait for the slower and sustainable train ride.  So in my theme park math Train Ride=Joy, Roller Coaster=Happiness.  So I’m pulling for Joy in my life as opposed to happiness.  

With that preamble out of the way, Today I was happy! Yes it was circumstantial, and unfortunately it’s not sustainable for the moment. I’m praying the sustainability part can change with a miracle.  It was my weekend with my girls.   Well ⅔ of the girls actually.  My eldest is quickly becoming a teenager.  I didn’t want to force her to visit as she had social plans with her new High School friends.  I’ll be able to see her a bit on Sunday.  Growing up with children change happens so slowly you don’t even notice it.  You do notice when you look back at pictures and wonder where the time has gone.  When I see the girls only 2-3 weekends a month I see distinct changes.  They are growing up so fast. My eldest is becoming so adult like while my youngest into a tween.  The middle, is still right in the middle.   It’s a bit bittersweet seeing the contrast every time I see them again.  Here just this week in my blog I was wishing for time to speed up.  But now that the girls are with me, I want it to slow down.  I’m a living, breathing, walking contradiction.  I love these girls.  I loved my family but things have changed.  I have to learn to adapt, at least temporarily (I hope and pray). 

I’ve been so encouraged by the many responses I’ve felt from friends/acquaintances as I detail my personal failures and travails.  Yet I had one dear friend reach out and chastise (at least that’s what it felt like) me for openly pining/praying for reconciliation instead he suggested I focus on repentance.  Haven’t I been doing that all along?   Can’t both be done at the same time.  It just rubbed me the wrong way.  He was assuming I haven’t taken the necessary steps he advocated me to do.  So instead of questioning how I was he offered opinions on how I should behave without asking clarifying questions first.  OK, that got me in a negative track, back to happiness and the good mood.  I’m kind of freestyling stream of consciousness style in this blog.  Im happy right at this moment.  Im positive, hopeful, joyful and peaceful. I know it won’t last.  Yet I’m enjoying riding the crest of this wave as I hang ten towards the beach of reality.  Jesus spoke in metaphors, so can I.   

The girls are asleep in their rooms as I write this so I’m not taking any time away from them.  It also doesn’t hurt that I have my dog as well.  He’s curled up in the chair next to me as close as he can get while I write this.  He’s patiently waiting for me to go to bed so he can cuddle up to sleep.  He likes to use my bicep as a pillow or curl up between my arm and chest (He’s 10lbs so he fits.).  

I gave the girls the option for dinner.  We could go home for leftover Olive Garden pasta from last week or Red Robin cheesburgers.  They enthusiastically chose the latter which I heartily also endorsed.  I had a free Birthday Burger so I didn’t want it to go to waste.  My youngest wanted to go for the free balloon.  My middle wanted the unlimited salads (as opposed to unlimited fries).  One of things i’ve done for years with my children is thing we call Best Part/Worst Part.  At dinner time, usually, we go around the family and share the Best and Worst part of our days with each other.  It’s a tangible way for us all to experience each other’s lives in a vicarious way.  My middle child brought it up at dinner.  When it came to my turn, I was so happy to say that the best part of my day was “Right Now.”   I’m learning to live without happiness and still be content in God’s mercy, grace and provision.  But every once in awhile it sure feels good to be happy again. 

Judgement and Context

I think part of my struggles right now is my self-perception.  I was born and raised in the church.  I was also blessed to be raised by two loving parents.  They weren’t perfect parents but they stayed married for 63 years and did the best they could. I always knew they loved and supported me.    I’ve always felt the most important part of being a parent is for Dad to love Mom and Mom to love Dad. That gives the child a sense of security.  It also is way for parents to model Christ’s love for the church.   That is why I feel like a failure as a parent right now.  I couldn’t give my kids the basic security that my parents gave me.  Another struggle I have now, is that I grew up very judgemental.  Because my parents modeled so much stability in their marriage I knew they would never ever leave each other.  They were rock solid and I never worried about them leaving each other.  I don’t remember them fighting with each other either.  The worst it got is my mom would get upset at my father and he would look rather sheepish and look down.  But for the most part they were a team doing their best to raise me and my sisters in a house primarily filled with love.  Because of that whenever I met a divorced person I always judged them for their lack of character in my estimation.  I’m not saying that I was right in judging them, I just did it because I didn’t know any better.  Then whenever I met someone that was divorced more than once, I thought even less of them.  Now I’m having to walk through my own self-condemnation.  I hate that.  I did not choose either of these situations but I’m forced to react and adapt.  Yes, I did make choices that led to both spouses feeling like they had no other choice but to leave me.  I wish I could go back in time and do it all differently.  But woulda, coulda, shoulda’s don’t do me any good right now.  I need to own my mistakes, and that is the difficult part for me.  It’s a process.  I know that condemnation does not come from God but from the enemy.  I’ll have to work through this.  

I think the important thing for me and all those people I judged through the years is context.  I was so quick to judge others without understanding the context of what they may or may not have been through.  I’m kind of ashamed of the self-righteousness of my youth.  I just didn’t know any better.  Viewing things in context I think is a must for everyone.  It helps explain so much.  I think I might have mentioned this story years ago but it certainly helped reframe the way I look at people.  

I taught elementary school as a Drama specialist 5 years ago.  There was this one 5 year old Kindergartener I’ll call Johnny (Not his real name).  Simply put, Johnny was a terror.  I dreaded the day I had him in the rotation to teach.  He was just wild.  You might be thinking how much damage could a 5 year old actually do?  That’s what I thought.  But Johnny had this uncanny ability to rile up all the other 5 year olds in the class.  And for the 50 minutes I had him it was just pure undisciplined mayhem as I begged, pleaded, cajoled, and demanded that he at least sit down and be quiet.  No matter what tactic or strategy I used, it was unsuccessful.  Johnny was an emotional and psychological whirlwind.  Think of the Tasmanian Devil from the Bugs Bunny cartoons only in a behavioral form.  I was at my wit’s end.  I didn’t know what to do with this kid.  After exhausting all my options I finally called his mother.  I explained Johnny’s behavior to her, my strategies to get him to alter that behavior and asked her for her assistance.  Johnny’s mother took a deep breath and agreed that Johnny had been difficult recently.  She explained that Johnny’s father was killed a few months back and ever since then Johnny has been acting out severely.  She did not know how to curb his behavior either as he was acting out at home as well.  At that moment the anvil of shame hit me like a Mike Tyson uppercut.  I felt horrible for judging this poor five year old boy.  In an instant I understood the context behind Johnny’s actions and his behavior made perfect sense.  No wonder he’s acting out.  This poor kid is hurting and doesn’t know how to process any of it.  My frustration turned to empathy as I felt Johnny’s pain.  I felt like the biggest jerk in the world.  The next day, I had someone else watch my class as I took Johnny aside.  I got down on a knee so I could be on Johnny’s level.  I explained that I understood the pain that he must be going through.  I’ve never lost a parent so I didn’t exactly know what he was going through.  I made myself available to him, if he ever wanted to talk to me, hang out, or have lunch with me, I’d be available to him.  As I was speaking, I started to cry which really surprised me.  Johnny did not know how to process or respond to what I was saying.  He didn’t have eye contact with me whatsoever. From that point on, Johnny was a different person.  He wasn’t perfect but he was calmer.  Somebody heard and acknowledged his pain.  Someone validated his feelings.  From that point forward the outbursts were sometimes there but now muted somewhat.  How I responded to those outbursts was completely different.  I understood the context which allowed me to have grace, sympathy and understanding.  Instead of inflaming the situation it was now being defused.  One of the most important life lessons ever came from a 5 year old boy taught to a 50 year old teacher.  Everyone has a back story.  Everyone has context behind their behavior.  From that point til now, I no longer first look at the behavior, instead I look at the actions before which might have caused that behavior.  This allows me to humanize people rather than de-humanize and categorize their behavior negatively.  I try not to judge people, I try to understand them now.  I need to give myself that same grace.  There is context to my behaviors.  I can’t go too far and justify my actions.  It says in Proverbs that “A man’s ways is right in his own mind, but God weighs the heart.” It’s so easy to justify everything that we do and blame others for our shortcomings.  It’s also so easy to self-condemn everything we do.  There is a fine line of acceptance, repentance and grace that needs to be found for growth. Some days I’m better at finding that line, sometimes it’s harder to see.  I have many people in my life helping me see that line and helping to validate me.  I’m deeply appreciative of them.  There will be Peace, Love, and Joy in my life again.   I just have to make it through the rest of the storm in the meantime and not be so hard on myself.  It will happen, that much I’m certain.

A Phone Call and a Renewed Perspective

What a difference a day makes.  Many of you reached out in concern for me and it is genuinely appreciated.  I’m not writing this blog for sympathy, although heart-felt connections are really appreciated.  Rather I’m reaching out to show my fallibility and vulnerability.  We so rarely see that anymore, especially from the church.  So maybe that’s why I’m writing this to overcorrect a market inefficiency.  I was listening to a pod cast  earlier today, (The Holy Post with Phil Vischer amongst others) and it echoes those very sentiments.   I try to be brutally honest not only with myself but with people I speak with.  I have failed, I have sinned, and now all this separation and pain can be construed in part as a result of my failures.  I don’t think it would be prudent to get into the details of what I exactly did in this forum, but it’s been a life-long struggle along the lines of having a process addiction.  It does say in Proverbs 28:13 “He who hides his transgression shall not prosper; but he who confesses his sins and forsakes them, God will have mercy upon him.”

Perhaps this blog is my way of taking accountability.  I don’t think the exact specifics of my failures are relevant here, but those who know me best, know the specifics because I confessed openly to them.  So now is the part where I hope that God will have mercy upon me.  He has been, is, and will be merciful.  Part of my recent frustration is that I have not been hearing from God clearly.  I used to have these amazing conversations with God.  Don’t call the Looney Bin on me yet. I believe we’re placed on this earth fellowship with God.   God doesn’t speak to me aloud, but rather in a still small voice. Some might interpret that small voice as their conscience, higher power or God.   That still small voice I thought I’ve been hearing has been so distant recently. Perhaps my sin muted that voice.   Thus the one set of footprints in the sand.  I have learned that when God is trying to speak to you, that He will speak to you in 2-3 different ways to make sure that you can understand that it is Him/God speaking to you.  That’s been the case countless times in my life.  So part of my despair yesterday and the days preceding it has been me crying out to God for comfort and mercy in the midst of my desert.  I haven’t heard back as it has been a one way conversation.  Even when I look in the mirror (which in times past has been my Hotline to connect with God to hear from him) has been coming up silent.  Now God has given me distinct impressions over the past few months.  But to this point it has been all talk/impressions and no action, no confirmations.  I’ve gone through these fallow periods previously.  

That all changed in a big way earlier today.  Remember that God speaks in a still small voice sometimes, well sometimes God uses a megaphone.   He uses other people to speak for him.  A dear old friend from Evangel College reached out to me today.  I was a little hesitant to speak to him because I didn’t want to have to confess my transgressions yet again.  Yet when I connected with him, my friend was God’s megaphone.  Here I haven’t spoken with this friend in nearly 35 years and he echoed what God has been speaking into my life for the past year.  God used my friend as a megaphone to make sure I was hearing Him correctly and accurately.  I should have been recording it.  I am so grateful that my friend was obedient to God’s voice to reach out to me.  I am so greatly encouraged that the voice I had in my head of encouragement was not solely my voice but God continuously trying to speak through me.  Those words my friend shared were God’s confirmation that I was indeed hearing His (God’s) voice clearly.  Now that doesn’t mean everything in my life is now miraculously healed, redeemed and back to normal.  Nothing circumstantially has changed in my life.  Rather my perspective has changed.  If God has been trying to encourage me, which at times I’ve doubted, my friend reaching out and confirming God’s voice in my life gives me the hope I need.  If God is with me in the dark spots then I can rely upon Him to lift me up to the brighter spots.  I’ve prayed this prayer from Psalm 40 probably a hundred times in the past year.  

1. I waited patiently for the Lord;

    he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

    out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

    and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 

He put a new song in my mouth,

    a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

    and put their trust in Him.

Those words in my prayers, amongst many other prayers, I thought were rising helplessly into the ether and not reaching any it’s destination.  I think we’ve all gone through periods of doubting whether our prayers are actually making a difference.    Yet my friend reaching out tells me that God has indeed been hearing my cries. I’ve cried out plenty to God recently.  So that gave me hope.  I will indeed get myself out of the mess I placed myself in and emerge victorious.  I was doubting that heavily before today.  God realized my mental state and knew I needed a word of encouragement, a pick me up and that word came in a loud powerful way today.  It told me that God has indeed heard my cries.  God has been tracking all my tears into his bottle.  

Psalm 40 says:

You have taken account of my miseries;

Put my tears in Your bottle.

Are they not in Your book?

9 

Then my enemies will turn back on the day when I call;

This I know, [o]that God is for me.

10 

In God, whose word I praise,

In the Lord, whose word I praise,

11 

In God I have put my [p]trust, I shall not be afraid.

What can mankind do to me?

One of the promises I always lean upon is Romans 8:28: “All things work together for good for those who believe and are called according to His spirit.”  I’ve doubted that sometimes, often recently.  Maybe my transgressions are too much for God to overcome this time?  Maybe I sinned one too many times?  After the call from my friend, I know that to be NOT true.  Now there seems to be three sets of footprints in the sand. 

Hope to Despair in less than 60 seconds

I had such a weird sensation come over me tonight.  It probably wasn’t very healthy but Im not sure what is mentally normal anymore.  I came home from a good but unspectacular day of teaching.  The teaching aspect of my life is really going well as I’m embracing my identity as a professional.  I have the ability to impact so many lives and I am.  That’s why I got into the film/tv industry in the first place.  I wanted to impact as many lives as possible.  Instead of doing that in the thousands/tens of thousands/millions, I’m doing it by the dozens or maybe hundreds.  That is OK.  The most profound influence I have is on my children but because of my present circumstance my direct influence is being somewhat diluted because of time and distance.  I only get to see them a fraction of the time I would normally get to see them.  But I’m still trying to make the best of it by driving them to practice and appointments on certain days.  Even though it’s only a few minutes it is better than zero minutes. My youngest is always so excited to see me by running to me and giving me giant hugs.   I need to look on the positives that my daughters are beautiful on the inside and out and just a joy to be around.  I miss them so.  

So I got back home after dropping the dog back to the girls.  I felt selfish keeping him.  Little girls need their dog.  So as I was coming back home after a workout, I felt unusually hopeful.  Why was I so filled with hope?  Nothing extraordinary happened. I didn’t do anything different and nothing in my circumstances changed, but I was still filled with hope.  Maybe that was a spiritual thing.  Then just a half hour later a dark depression fell over me.  It was like it was a clear sunny day then the storm clouds rolled in.  Inexplicably my mood changed from light to darkness. Again nothing extraordinary happened.   Why?  Are the moments of peace and joy the exception and not the rule? Or is it the opposite right now?   It was very frustrating to me.  I know that brighter days are right around the corner.  But sometimes that corner seems so distant.  I am a big believer in spiritual attacks.  I’m in the enemy’s crosshairs at the moment, this much is certain.  But I’m also quite certain that I can overcome this.  I just have to remain steadfast in my faith.  I remember listening to an old sermon by Charles Stanley.  “If you’re not bothering the devil, He won’t bother you.”  So I take encouragement in the darkness as I must be doing something good to rattle the cage of the enemy and prompt such attacks.  That helps. I have to take a step back and analyze it from a 10,000 foot level.  That is why the journal/blog is so helpful for my point of view.  It offers more spiritual clarity to me.  

I get to school quite early. I usually arrive around 6:30am.  It’s still dark outside when I arrive.  But when I was driving through the thick trees of Old Falls of Neuse Road (where there are no streetlights and windy turns) it can be quite treacherous especially during the rain like this morning.  I was reminded of the adage it’s darkest before the dawn.  That’s where I feel like I’m at, right at this moment.  I’m in the period right before the dawn breaks.  But how long will this darkness persist?  When will dawn break over the horizon?   I’m so ready for happiness again.  Now, I do have moments of peace and joy but they are intermittent.  It’s been nearly 15 months of lack of happiness for me now. There have been occasional bursts of happiness but they are intermittent.    I still remember the last time I truly felt happy.  We were on a family cruise last July 2024.  I had all my children (from first and second marriages) together minus one lone hold out.  That’s a story for another day.  It was also the first and only time I got to meet my son-in-law Kerry before he suddenly and tragically passed away just a few short months ago.  There was something magical about being on that ship together.  But as soon as we docked things started slowly unraveling for me.  The unraveling was so slow I didn’t even realize it until it was too late.  Something happened when we docked and for the life of me I don’t know what it was.  

I brought up the fact that I thought our marriage was under spiritual attack with my wife a few months back but she scoffed.  Either she didn’t believe in spiritual attacks or maybe she thought I was trying to blame my own spiritual short-comings on a spiritual entity rather than be accountable and own my sin/mistakes.  It is clear to me that my choices caused my marital rift.  As much as I’m trying, praying, hoping, pleading to fix it, I just have to come to the realization that reconciliation might not be in the cards.  It pains me to say that.  I want to get my hopes up and ride the wave of optimism and faith but certain days are harder than others.  Does that mean I don’t have enough faith?  Didn’t Jesus say if you have faith enough to move a mountain it will be done?  Getting someone to love me again enough for a second/third/fourth/innumerable chance seems easier than moving a mountain, but maybe it’s not.  Maybe the relationship is the mountain?  Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you desires of your heart.”  It’s hard to find that delight lately, but I’m searching for it.  And I know that God can change the desires of my heart to align with His will.  Prayer might not change my situation but I trust it will change me to accept my situation.  I’m an eternal optimist filled with hope sometimes, but now I feel as if the helium balloon of hope is slowly losing its buoyancy.  Tomorrow I'm sure will be a better day.  I just have to be careful not to make today or tomorrow any worse.  Right now there are only one set of footprints in the sand.  Tomorrow, hopefully there will be two sets.  Again, please don’t mistake this blog as a plea for sympathy or encouragement.  I’m just journaling my feelings.  God is faithful, I know.  So I’m trying to be quite articulate with my pain as a future testimony when God will indeed lift me out of the “Miry clay making my footsteps firm” again.  It is a bit like Babe Ruth calling his Home Run shot in the World Series in 1932.  I’m calling my shot now that God will deliver me out of this hopelessness into his abundance of peace and joy.  Now it’s just a matter of when and not if and what those exact details might look like.  I shall overcome with the strength and grace of my savior.  Of this I’m certain.