Rick Beeman

  I wasn’t sure I was going to post today but I am forcing myself to do so. I’m a bit down and lonely today.  I saw my kiddoes for a few brief minutes at church.  So if the grief comes in waves, I’m experiencing a wave right now.  I know I’ll pull through.  I know intellectually that God is faithful.  I know I am doing all the right things.  But I’m still down.  I should probably just go to sleep and start fresh tomorrow.  I need to stay in the moment.  In the moment there is peace right now, but not an abundance of joy.  What I need now is hope.  Hope for the future is what drives me.  I’m not going to make this worse on myself.  Im looking forward to the short week.  I get my kids next weekend so that is something I can look forward to.   I know there are a lot of people out there that have worse problems than I do.  I just have to keep everything in perspective.  This too shall last.  ...

  I had a really nice day today. It was an encouragement for the last couple of days where I was a bit down.  I realize I just have to suck it up during the bad days and survive.  This is my new normal.  I just have to consider the days with the children as bonus days.  They always lift my spirits.  It started yesterday.  Because I didn’t have my kids I got to go see a movie.  I love going to movies and actually prefer seeing them on my own.  I splurged a bit on myself and joined AMC’s movies A-list where for $23 a month I can see up to 3 movies a week.(not a paid endorser for AMC but I should be).  To make this work financially I need to see at least 1.5 movies a week.  I’ve been able to do that for the most part.  I do have a lot more time on my hands being alone.  So yesterday I was able to see a Norwegian movie, Sisu 2.  I didn’t feel like I had to pay for it since It’s a part of my package.  So I’m able to s...

  It was another downer day. Nothing specific happened to make it such a day.  I think it’s just the process that I have to go through.  I’m learning as I’m trying not to over-react when I get in down and lonely moods.  The holidays are obviously a bit tough.   My girls are so excited for Christmas and I just can’t share in their excitement.  I don’t want to be a debbie downer around them so I’m forcing on a happy face.  It’s a fake it, till you make it kind of thing.  My eldest is really wanting a live Christmas tree which we’ve never had before.  So I’ll probably go and choose one with her.  I have zero Christmas decorations.  So everything will have to be from scratch this year.   So I made a conscious choice just to endure the down day.  I tried to do things that help my mood.  I went to see a Norwegian movie after school and had lunch. I just love watching foreign films.  The ones that come over and hit...

I learned something about myself today that might seem obvious to most of you.  Maybe it should seem obvious to me but I'm a slow learner.  Yesterday was a down day for me.  I couldn't really explain it because nothing inconsequential happened or at least nothing really bad happened.  So why was I down.  Upon reflection today I think I figured it out.  I had a really great week last week.  I just strung together a bunch of good to great days and I rode that wave of emotional elation as long as I could.  Yet I fell off the board yesterday and I couldn't figure out why.  I was just down.  But then it hit me.  I think I might have fooled myself a bit.  Thinking that I had seven great days in a row maybe I thought I was over my pain/loneliness and it would mostly be rainbows, puppy dogs and sunshine from here on out.  Oh, I was a bit wrong.  While I am an eternal optimist I now realize how inaccurate those feelings of min...

  Im a bit down today. Not really too sure why, but then again I wasn’t really sure why I was up for the last couple of weeks.  Maybe the grief and joy comes in waves.  One small explanation is that I am a bit disappointed.  I made a scheduling error with a doctor appointment which meant I wouldn’t get to see my youngest today.  I was really looking forward to it.  Her smile just lights up my day.  She’s at the age where she is just so happy just to be with me even though we aren’t doing anything.  I think I might have gotten a bit spoiled seeing my children nearly every day for the past week.  I had grown accustomed to that.  But now that it isn’t presenting itself just for 1 day it has put me in a funk.  So what did I do wrong?  Did I just come to rely upon the daily interaction to give me a false sense of hope and family?   I’m not too sure.  I really have been treasuring each moment that I have with them.  An...

  I”m out of routine right now but all for good reasons. There are a few different things I am trying to habitually do to keep myself healthy.  I’ve admitted on this blog that I have an addictive personality (including Love addiction which I’m learning a lot about right now) I think I have it because of ADD and other factors.  So to combat this I am trying to get addicted to healthy things.  Usually this is good for me.  So some of the things I’m trying to do every day:  Daily Bible reading, prayer on my way to work in my car, Lots of praise/worship throughout the day, exercise 5-6 days a week, meeting with men that will lift me up and strengthen my spiritual walk and sobriety and writing in this blog/journaling, So I have been out of routine when I have my girls.  I drop all my single habits and focus on maximizing my time with my children.  So when they are around I usually skip the gym. It has been a couple of days since I’ve gone and exercised...