Rick Beeman

 I'm in a really weird position right now.  I'm so disheartened and so discouraged, yet I still have Peace.  How is that even possible?  Hope really isn't there but peace is. Joy isn'r really there either but peace is.   I know that whether I have a good day or a bad day eventually those feelings will end and God will remain faithful.  I don't see how people walk through trials like this without a savior.  I know I couldn't do it.  Right now, I'm just operating on emotional fumes knowing that this feeling in the pit of my stomach is temporary.  God is faithful even though I might not feel it at this precise moment.  Those feeling of Joy will return.  Right now I'm just leaning into the promises of God.  Tomorrow the rest of this week, this month, this year will be better.  

  I had such a wonderful time with my girls this past weekend.  It’s been a few days since I blogged because I was trying to keep my focus and every minute of my day on them. I don’t have them as much as i’d like so each moment with them is precious.   We didn’t really do anything either.  I think we just enjoyed each other’s company.  I always have a bit of a downer whenever they go back home but this is a little different.  This is my new reality.  I just have to learn to accept it.  There is nothing I can do to fix this situation.  The only thing I can do is make it worse.  I’ve been taking the necessary steps in self-development and discovery to ensure that backwards steps don’t happen.  I am blessed with three remarkable girls that each are absolutely unique.  It’s pretty amazing how ideal they all are.  I am so very proud of them.  What sucks about this whole situation is that they are the victims in this (as al...

  Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I wasn’t really looking forward to the holidays.  In fact I was kind of dreading it.  I’m not a big fan of winter, especially this year.  Winter to me always symbolized cold and death.  I know that’s pretty dark.  Even in the old days for the cold days, I used to be able to look forward to cuddling up on the couch in front of the fire staying warm.  The cold symbolized an excuse to get cozy with a loved one in a romantic sense. That was the main thing I liked about the winter holidays.  That option is off the table for me right now.  Right now the cold is a reminder to me that I’m alone.  That said, I’m walking through this season with hope and faith that God has a plan.  My hope is in the Lord.   I’ve had a really nice couple of days.  I feel hope again.  Not that anything changed but I know that life has good things to offer.  My youngest son from my first marriage came to sp...

  I was getting tired of writing about downer days.  I’m sure you were probably tired of reading about them as well.  I had like three bad days in a row.  Now nothing overtly negative happened to me those days.  It’s just that my “Hope” meter was on empty.  I know intellectually that my Hope comes from the Lord and that He is always faithful but that doesn’t help with the immediate loneliness and despair that periodically hits. The enemy knows this and is trying to keep me down.    Hope comes in waves and I was bereft of any sort of tide coming my way.  I know what I need to do.  Just like I did last night, put my head down and get through it.  I used to be a distance runner.  I was never fast, in fact I was pretty slow with short legs/strides, but I could run for miles.  It was the endurance that I was good at.  (I’m paying the price for that today with no cartilage in my arthritic knees but at least I have four mara...

  I wasn’t sure I was going to post today but I am forcing myself to do so. I’m a bit down and lonely today.  I saw my kiddoes for a few brief minutes at church.  So if the grief comes in waves, I’m experiencing a wave right now.  I know I’ll pull through.  I know intellectually that God is faithful.  I know I am doing all the right things.  But I’m still down.  I should probably just go to sleep and start fresh tomorrow.  I need to stay in the moment.  In the moment there is peace right now, but not an abundance of joy.  What I need now is hope.  Hope for the future is what drives me.  I’m not going to make this worse on myself.  Im looking forward to the short week.  I get my kids next weekend so that is something I can look forward to.   I know there are a lot of people out there that have worse problems than I do.  I just have to keep everything in perspective.  This too shall last.  ...

  I had a really nice day today. It was an encouragement for the last couple of days where I was a bit down.  I realize I just have to suck it up during the bad days and survive.  This is my new normal.  I just have to consider the days with the children as bonus days.  They always lift my spirits.  It started yesterday.  Because I didn’t have my kids I got to go see a movie.  I love going to movies and actually prefer seeing them on my own.  I splurged a bit on myself and joined AMC’s movies A-list where for $23 a month I can see up to 3 movies a week.(not a paid endorser for AMC but I should be).  To make this work financially I need to see at least 1.5 movies a week.  I’ve been able to do that for the most part.  I do have a lot more time on my hands being alone.  So yesterday I was able to see a Norwegian movie, Sisu 2.  I didn’t feel like I had to pay for it since It’s a part of my package.  So I’m able to s...